“You know, when I agreed to a trial reconciliation, I thought part of the agreement was that you wouldn’t flirt with everything that moved,” Gary snapped at him. “Even though you couldn’t talk, I assumed that’s what you agreed to since I decided to pay attention to you again.”
“It wasn’t real,” Kevin said, dropping his head on the ground. “No, baby. Look at me. Look at me with those bright, beautiful eyes. There they are. Yes. So pretty you are. Baby, listen. Listen to your boy. I was just trying to distract them so they wouldn’t go after Sam and Randall! I don’t even like other dragons. You know that. Besides, why would I look anywhere else when you’re all I need? Baby, baby, baby, have I told you that your mane looks pretty today? Because it does. Just like it does every day. You are the fire that burns deep within me.”
“You owe me, Haversford,” Ryan muttered in my ear. “So bad.”
“Baby,” I teased. “Look at me. Look at me with those bright, beautiful—” I started to laugh as he shoved me away, but his hand hit my bad shoulder and I shouted in pain instead. My eyes watered as I hunched over, shying away from any further touch.
“Sam?” Ryan asked, sounding uncertain, making an aborted gesture as he reached for me.
“He’s been hurt,” Randall said, standing above me. “His shoulder has been dislocated. It’ll need to be set.”
Ryan’s eyes narrowed. “The dragons did this?”
“No,” I said, wincing. “Not technically. Hit a wall after they started chasing us.”
“I’m going to kill them,” Ryan growled, reaching for his sword.
“Dude,” I said. “You being all protective like that with a beard is my new sexuality. Just so you know.”
“And you,” Gary said, glaring at me over Ryan. “You can bet that you and I are going to have a good, long discussion about almost dying without even inviting me.”
“Me too,” Tiggy said. “Not cool, Sam.”
“Done and done,” I said. “But first we all need to stand in a row and look all badass as we face down lesbian feather dragons, one of whom thinks I’m cute and the other who wants to murder my face because I kicked her in the eye.”
Everyone stared at me.
“What?” I asked, confused.
Ryan sighed. “How sad is it that everything you just said not only makes sense, but is actually not that surprising?”
I beamed at him. “Dude, I totally love you. You don’t even know.”
“Yeah, yeah. Let’s kick some dragon ass—”
“Ahem.”
“Oh my gods. Sam, come on.”
I glared at him. “Have you been cursing the whole time we’ve been apart?”
“What? No! Of course not.”
“Yes,” Tiggy and Gary and Justin said.
“Said fuck a lot,” Tiggy said.
“And shit balls,” Gary said.
“And for some reason, he told me to calm my tits once,” Justin said with a frown.
“I hate you guys so much,” Ryan muttered.
“We will be talking about this later,” I told Ryan. “After I make friends with the lesbian feather dragons, have you choke on my dick, and then maybe get something to eat, because honestly? I am fucking starving right now. But first! Line of Badasses, unite!”
“That was capitalized,” Tiggy said to Gary.
“Yes, kitten, I heard. We should probably step to it. Though I don’t know that I need to be standing in a line to be considered a badass. I mean, just look at me. Everything about me screams badass.”
“You have ladybug hair clips holding back your mane,” Justin said.
“Exactly,” Gary said. “See? Justin gets it.”
Ryan stood at my side, helping me stand. His scowl deepened as I winced. “How bad is it?”
“Nothing I can’t handle,” I assured him. “Let’s just get this over with for now. Then you can fret and fuss over me like you always do.”
“I don’t fret and fuss, gods.”
“You totally do.”
“I didn’t even miss you at all.”
“Liar,” I said, not wanting to look away from him. He seemed to be having the same problem.
He leaned forward and pressed his forehead to mine. My magic pulsed around us. “Just… just don’t scare me like that again,” he whispered.
I couldn’t promise that. So I kissed his scruffy cheek instead.
And then we lined up in front of Castle Freesias, Randall on one side of me, Ryan on the other, Justin on his other side, a curved sword in each hand, bouncing on his toes, at the ready. Tiggy and Gary were next to Randall, the half-giant cracking his gigantic knuckles, the hornless unicorn starting to seep glitter. Kevin stood behind us, wings spread, smoke curling from his nostrils.
“Holy shit,” I breathed. “Someone needs to paint us right the fuck now, and said painting needs to be hung in Castle Lockes to be admired forever because of how amazing we all look.”
“Okay,” Ryan said, flourishing his sword like a douchebag. “I totally lied. I missed you so gosh darn much.”
I grinned at him. “Right back at ya, babe. Now, let’s kick some ass!”
Except… that didn’t happen.
Because the lesbian feather dragons landed before us, feathers ruffling in the wind, but they weren’t getting ready to attack. They weren’t even focused on me. Or Randall. Or anyone else aside from…
Tiggy.
“You there,” the larger of the two said. “Your face.”
Tiggy looked behind himself, then back at the dragons. “Me?” he asked, pointing at himself.
“You are a giant,” the smaller dragon said, voice awed.
“I’m a Tiggy,” Tiggy said.
“Dragons!” Ryan cried. “You have hurt the man I love. You will taste the steel of my blade!”
“Wow,” Justin snorted. “That sure showed them.”
“Babe,” I said, “that was sweet, but maybe cut back on the douchebaggery.”
“Douchebaggery?” he said, brow furrowing. “That wasn’t douchebaggery. That was how I normally talk.”
“Sure it was,” I said. “Because normal people say taste the steel of my blade.”
“I’ll be honest,” Gary said, “even though it sounded stupid, it did give me a bit of a boner.”
“It didn’t sound stupid,” Ryan muttered, kicking at the snow. “You all sound stupid.”
“Gary,” Kevin said, “I thought we agreed as part of our trial reconciliation that you wouldn’t get boners because of anybody else except for me.”
“It’s the beard,” Gary said. “I can’t help it. He’s a dude-bro now, and for some reason, that really just does it for me.”
“I can grow a beard,” Kevin said. “Okay, I can’t, but we can glue sheep wool to my face and pretend. You know how I feel about sheep, those fucking little shits who scream when they see me coming because I am their god.”
“Where do you come from?” the bigger dragon asked Tiggy. She, too, sounded almost breathless. “We have not seen your kind in centuries.”