I wanted things to be different between us.
Would she see that me being here was proof I was capable of creating a future with her? She was the only thing that had ever been important to me other than my work, and her leaving had wounded me deeply. It had changed me forever.
I pulled out my phone. I’d call her. Warn her I was here.
My heartbeat thrummed in my ears as I dialed.
“Alex?” She sounded confused, as though she couldn’t begin to think why I’d be on the other end of the line. I clenched my teeth at the idea that I had no place in her life anymore.
“Yes. It’s me. It’s good to hear your voice.”
I sighed at the sound of her breathing on the other end of the line.
“Are you okay?” she asked. Her voice was sad, as if I were torturing her, and I hated it.
“I just wanted to let you know that I’ve taken a teaching post at Columbia law school. It’s only for a few months. And I was wondering while I was here whether you’d agree to meet with me. I would really like a chance to apologize face-to-face.”
“You’re teaching?” she asked.
I wanted to tell her all about it, but I didn’t know if I should say any more. “Yes. Someone’s taken sick.”
“And so you’ve left your job? You’re not a barrister anymore?”
I took a seat on the steps in front of Butler Library. “I’ve not abandoned the bar. I’m just taking a sabbatical. I need time to reassess my priorities. A chance to redeem myself. I miss you.”
“I had to protect my heart, Alexander.”
“I know, and you were right to do so. I’d never provided any indication that I could give you more than snatched moments here and there.”
“But I shouldn’t have run away and I’m sorry for that. I should have found the courage to tell you I wasn’t coming back,” she said and paused.
“I don’t blame you for running. I understand.”
“And now you’re in New York,” she said.
I sighed. “I am. I was burnt out. Exhausted. I’d lost something important to me and it affected me in a way . . .” She didn’t need to hear about my pain. I’d caused her enough. “I spoke to Lance, and he suggested I take this teaching post to reassess things.”
“It seems like a big coincidence that it’s at Columbia.”
“Lance is friends with the president of the university.”
“I didn’t know that,” she said, her voice quietening as if she were thinking while speaking.
“A happy coincidence, I hope.” I paused, hoping she would agree with me. At least she didn’t hang up. “I was wondering if you’d meet me. I’d like us to talk and if possible work through what happened in London. I realize I was an idiot, and I want to make it up to you.”
She sighed. “I don’t have a lot of time. I’m just trying to focus on the program and get settled.”
I closed my eyes, trying to block out the pain of her rejection. But I was here for three months, and I wasn’t about to give up without a fight. “Maybe later in the semester then, when you have a little more time.”
“Maybe,” she replied.
I swallowed. “I miss you.”
There was a pause before she spoke as if she were carefully considering her response. “I should go. I hope you enjoy the teaching thing.”
It sounded so final, as though she had no intention of seeing me again while I was here.
“Okay, it’s been good to hear your voice. And I’m free anytime when you feel ready to talk.”
“Goodbye, Alexander.”
I couldn’t say goodbye. I wouldn’t.
I waited for her to hang up and then put the phone back into my jacket pocket. Today was just opening arguments. My fight for Violet hadn’t even begun.
Thirty-Six
Violet
The call from Alexander was the last thing I’d been expecting. Knightley wasn’t a man to chase after a woman.
But here he was. In New York.
I couldn’t help but be flattered as well as surprised.
The reason I’d left London, left him, was because I didn’t think he was capable of being anything other than a man who thought only about his work. It never would have occurred to me that he might come to New York, albeit for three months. It seemed so out of character.
Because it didn’t seem to make sense, I decided that I had to see it myself. After an annoying amount of time on the law school website, I’d managed to uncover Knightley’s teaching schedule.
I was a little older than most of the students filing into the lecture hall, but no one said anything as I took a seat at the back of the class, tucked away in the shadows.
Knightley stepped to the front in his beautifully cut, handmade suit as if he might have been on his way into chambers. The titter of the female students echoed through the hall. I bet there had been few more handsome lecturers in Columbia’s history.
He addressed the room in a loud, confident manner and seemed to know the material despite being only a couple of weeks into the job. He was just so hopelessly clever. So annoyingly charming.
I barely focused on what he was saying—seeing him brought everything whooshing back. I’d been testing myself, seeing if my feelings for him had passed. I’d hoped I’d be cured, but no. I loved this man. Still.
Since his call a little over two weeks ago, I’d done nothing but think about what him being in the US meant—could mean—for him, for me, for us.
He’d made no attempt to contact me in the days since his last call. I’d know because I hadn’t been more than a foot away from my phone at any point. Just in case.
I couldn’t get over how a man so devoted to his career had so easily put that on pause. Rightly or wrongly, it made me wonder if I’d done the right thing by leaving. Should I have told him what I needed? Should I have told him I loved him? Given us more time?
Clearly, there was so much more to the man at the front of the hall than I’d ever known. But I yearned to learn it all. Watching him, it felt as if he was not just my past but perhaps part of my future.
When the lecture was over, a host of students lined up to ask questions. There was no lack of admiration for this man even without me in the room.
My feelings hadn’t changed, I was sure of that. And now I’d seen the evidence that he had changed his whole life, I was ready to talk. Ready to hear what he had to say.
Alexander