“I think so.” Lance nodded. “Maybe it’s time to let him go and look to your future, not your past.”
We sat there for a few minutes in silence as I thought back to memories of my father in this very building. I wished I’d had more time with him, gotten a chance to share an office with him the way I’d thought I would as a child. But Lance was right, working myself into the ground wasn’t going to bring him back.
If I let my father and his legacy fade from the finish line in front of me, what was I left with? What did I really want? I couldn’t bear the thought of not having seen the world before it was too late, to not love and be loved. As much as my career was important to me, I knew that there were other things out there—Violet had showed me that. I just always saw any other desires or goals as something I’d pick up when my race to be the best was over.
One thing was for sure. Being without Violet felt wrong and I had to make it right. There was no way she was going to hang around and wait for me to finish anything, and that meant something had to change. I had to change. I had to show her that I’d learned from her leaving. Not just tell her.
“I think you’re right, Lance.” I was like a supertanker going in one direction, deciding I might want to change course, head for the Med and transform into a yacht. Wasn’t it just impossible?
“Teaching would be an experiment. An opportunity to try something new and decide if you want to change track or just slow down.”
Was it really as easy as Lance made it sound? “It’s a risk,” I said.
“But not going, the risk is you lose Violet. Three months isn’t a great deal of time in the scheme of things. It may be long enough for you to get some perspective. I’m sure we can rearrange things so you don’t have to worry about anything while you’re gone.”
Changing the course of my career would certainly surprise her. I’d expected her to move continents to study in order to stay with me. It had never been a consideration that I would be the one to cross the ocean. It hadn’t even occurred to me. But was it really possible? For three months? “Wouldn’t that devastate my practice? This case will create a real buzz and I—”
He silenced me with a look. “Nothing in relation to your career will be devastated in three months. Teaching is very likely to enhance it. And you might even enjoy it. Columbia is one of the best law schools in America, but they need someone to start immediately.”
I swallowed. Could I just abandon everything I’d built here and go off and become a professor? “What do I know about teaching?”
“You’d have assistants to help you prepare. They like to have guest professors. When I retire, I’d like to do it a little longer. It allows me to remember what it was to be young. And I like to feel as if I’m sharing my knowledge.”
“You think I can just walk away for three months?”
“You’re not walking away from anything. You’re moving towards something. At the very least it would allow some room in your life for conscious thought, to uncouple your father’s myth from your destiny.”
I blew out a puff of air, leaned forward, and rested my head in my hands. Perhaps it would be what I needed. At the moment I was hurtling toward my target at a million miles an hour, but was using so much energy I wasn’t sure I’d survive until the end. I’d already lost Violet along the way—what was next? My sanity?
“You wouldn’t be sitting on a beach doing nothing. You’d make new contacts, and add an impressive post to your CV.”
Whether or not I believed it, I could tell Lance thought this was a tremendous opportunity at the time I needed it most. And I trusted him. He’d been a guide throughout my career and never steered me wrong. Perhaps this was the day I needed to seize. Three months would go by in a blink of an eye and before I knew it, I’d return, reinvigorated and refreshed. I might have even won Violet back.
“Three months. Just seize the day,” I said out loud but to myself. Saying the words was like tipping weight from a sinking raft. Instantly I felt lighter and more energized. It would be a new challenge, something completely different, and it might prove to Violet how much I loved her.
“I think I’m interested. You think the clerks can rearrange things here in chambers?”
He smiled. “The graves are full of indispensable men.”
I nodded. It was arrogant to assume my caseload wouldn’t be easily distributed between other members of chambers. “I could go this weekend even,” I said. I’d planned to fly to New York this weekend anyway. I didn’t want to wait a moment longer than I must to see Violet again, to apologize in person. “This president friend of yours. He just happened to call you? It seems like rather a coincidence.”
“I spoke to him last night,” he said and smiled. It was the perfect lawyer’s response—a careful description of the truth.
“You never know, it might be the best thing to ever have happened to me.”
“Or that might happen while you’re there.”
The longer I was without Violet, the more I realized how much she meant, how foolish I’d been to spend any time at work if I could have spent it with her instead. Lance was right—she was the only woman who could pull my attention away from work, show me there was more to life, and I needed to win her back and then hold on to her. I hoped going to New York and lecturing was the evidence I needed to show her how important she was.
Thirty-Five
Alexander
Lance had been right about coming to New York. I’d known it the moment I’d agreed to come, but as I’d stepped off the plane yesterday a weight had lifted, not from my shoulders but from my very soul. Teaching was something my father had never done. There was nothing to live up to, and I had no caseload to manage, no concern that the work would dry up, no pleadings to draft, no strategy to create. For the first time in my life I was excited about my job—not pleased because something had gone well or relieved I’d got some work in, but genuinely excited.
Campus was quiet as I wandered across the South Lawn Saturday morning. I’d wanted to take a look at the place before I started on Monday.
The place reminded me a little of the Inns of Court. It was relatively peaceful among the bustle of Manhattan. But the buildings were larger—a pastiche of various eras rather than the organic mishmash of Lincoln’s Inn. I enjoyed the difference and took comfort from the similarities.
The law school and the business school were quite separate, but it felt odd to be so close to Violet, yet for her to have no idea I was here. Perhaps my exploration today was really a desire to bump into her. I hadn’t decided how to tell her I was here or even what to say.
The campus was big, but it wasn’t beyond the realm of possibility that we’d run into each other, and I didn’t want her to be caught off guard. I had to let her know as soon as possible.
And of course, I wanted to hear her voice.