‘I completely forgot!’ I say. All my anxieties come tumbling back. ‘I’m sorry, John, I feel dreadful!’
‘Don’t worry about it. You did say that Matthew had a couple of days off and that you might go away somewhere,’ he reminds me.
I know I should say something, ask if they had a good evening but I’m too devastated to speak.
‘Are you OK?’ he asks. ‘You seem a bit upset.’
I nod and look away, out over the high street at all the people living their lives. ‘It’s just that it’s been rather a strange summer.’
‘Do you want to talk about it?’
I shake my head slowly. ‘You’ll think I’m mad.’
‘Never.’
The Breakdown
203
I look at him and try to smile. ‘Actually, there’s a real possibility I am going mad. My mother had dementia for several years before she died and I’m worried that I might have the same condition.’
He stretches his arm out and for a moment I think he’s going to take my hand. But he reaches for his water glass. ‘Dementia and madness aren’t the same thing,’ he says, taking a sip of water.
‘No, they aren’t,’ I agree.
‘Have you been diagnosed with dementia?’
‘No, not yet. I’m meant to be seeing a specialist but I’ll probably forget to go.’ We both start laughing and I find I can’t stop. ‘God, it’s so good to laugh again,’ I say, still giggling.
‘Well, for what it’s worth, you don’t seem the least bit mad to me.’
‘That’s because you’re not living with me on a day-to-day basis. It’s not much fun for Matthew when I keep doing stupid things – you know, forgetting to change my shoes when I go out, leaving my bag at home.’
‘That’s the sign of someone who left her house in a hurry, not someone who’s mad.’ He looks questioningly at me, his intense dark eyes refusing to leave mine. ‘Did you leave in a hurry?’
‘I just don’t like being in the house on my own anymore,’ I shrug.
‘Since Jane’s murder?’
204
b a paris
‘It’s just that everything spooks me. Our house is a little too isolated for my liking.’
‘But there are other houses nearby, aren’t there?’
‘Yes.’ I hesitate, wondering if I should confide in him the true nature of the phone calls I’ve been getting and tell him about the man up the road. But the waitress arrives with the bill and the moment is lost.
‘It’s just as well that school starts again soon,’ John says, taking out his wallet. ‘We’ll have so much to do we won’t have time to dwell on things.’ He pulls a face. ‘Inset day on the twenty-eighth. Please don’t tell me you’ve already done all your lesson plans for the coming term.’
‘I haven’t even looked at the syllabus,’ I confess.
He stretches, his t-shirt rising to show his tanned skin.
‘Me neither,’ he grins.
‘Really?’
‘Yes, really.’
I heave a sigh of relief. ‘You can’t believe how much better that makes me feel. I bumped into Connie yesterday in Castle Wells and she said she’d almost finished.’
‘Ouch,’ he grimaces.
I look at him curiously. ‘She said that you didn’t go back to hers that night, you know, after our end of term dinner.’
‘No, I didn’t really feel like it.’
‘Right,’ I nod.
The Breakdown
205
‘Anyway, what would be the point of going without
you there?’ he goes on lightly.
‘No point at all,’ I agree. ‘I’m such the life and soul of the party.’
He laughs. ‘Exactly.’ But we both know that’s not what he meant.
We leave the restaurant and he walks me back to my car.
‘Did you buy a sleep-suit, by the way?’ I ask.
‘I did. A blue one with an elephant on the front. My friend seemed a bit surprised – I chose it because I liked it but I forgot the baby was a girl.’
‘I’m glad I’m not the only one with a bad memory,’
I joke.
‘There you are, proof that it happens to everyone. Are you doing anything nice this weekend?’
‘Just chilling in the garden, I hope.’
‘Well, have a good rest.’ He nods at my car. ‘This is you, isn’t it?’
‘Yes.’ I give him a hug. ‘Thank you, John, for everything.’
‘My pleasure,’ he says gravely. ‘See you back at school, Cass. Drive safely.’
He waits on the pavement until I’ve pulled out of the parking space and I set off down the High Street wondering what I can do to fill in the rest of the time until Matthew gets home. As I arrive at the junction where I would normally turn right, I see a signpost for Heston and the next thing I know, I’m driving
206
b a paris