‘You’re probably right,’ I say.
‘I am,’ he says firmly, and he sounds so certain that, suddenly, I decide to believe him, I decide to believe that all along the calls have been coming from a call centre on the other side of the world. A huge weight lifts from my shoulders. ‘Why don’t you relax in the garden today?’ he suggests.
‘I need to do some shopping first, there’s hardly a thing to eat in the house.’
‘I don’t suppose you want to make one of your curries for tonight, do you?’
‘Good idea,’ I say, happy at the thought of spending the afternoon pottering in the kitchen.
He leaves me with a kiss and I run upstairs to fetch my bag, wanting to get to the farmer’s market in Browbury before it gets too busy. As I pull the front door closed
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behind me, the phone starts ringing. I hover on the doorstep, undecided what to do. What if he knew it wasn’t me who answered the phone and is phoning back? Immediately, I’m annoyed with myself. Hadn’t I just decided that it was a call centre phoning? Go on, a voice taunts, go back and answer it, then you’ll know. But I don’t want to put my new-found confidence to the test.
I drive to Browbury and mooch around the market for a while, buying vegetables and coriander for the curry and figs for dessert. At the flower stall I buy a huge bunch of lilies and head to the wine shop to choose a bottle for the evening. Then I spend a happy afternoon cooking. At one point, above the sound of the radio, I think I hear the phone ringing but instead of panicking I turn the radio up a little louder, determined to stick to what I’ve decided to believe.
*
‘Are we celebrating?’ Matthew asks when he sees me taking a bottle of champagne from the fridge.
‘Yes.’
He smiles. ‘Can I ask what?’
‘Me feeling a whole lot better,’ I say, thrilled that I’ve managed to get through the day without taking any pills.
Relieving me of the champagne, he takes me in his arms. ‘That’s the best news I’ve had in a long while.’
He nuzzles my neck. ‘How much better did you say you felt?’
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‘Enough to start thinking about us having a baby.’
He looks at me delightedly. ‘Really?’
‘Yes,’ I say, kissing him.
‘How about we take the champagne up to bed?’ he murmurs.
‘I’ve made your favourite curry.’
‘I know, I can smell it. We can have it later.’
‘I love you,’ I sigh.
‘I love you more,’ he says, scooping me into his arms.
And I feel happier than I’ve felt for a long time.
THURSDAY AUGUST 13th
I sleep late the next day, so Matthew has already left by the time I wake. Remembering the night we spent together, I give a shiver of pleasure. I get out of bed, pad to the bathroom and shower, taking my time. The sun has come back with a vengeance so I pull on shorts and a t-shirt, push my feet into a pair of espadrilles and go downstairs, taking my laptop with me. Today I’m going to work.
I have breakfast, fetch the papers that I need from my school bag and turn on my computer. But it’s hard to focus because, annoyingly, I’ve got one ear out for the phone. The tick of the clock is also distracting me. It seems to be getting louder with each second that passes, drawing my eyes towards the hands as they inch slowly forward towards nine o’clock, then nine-thirty. They come and go without incident and I’m just beginning Title: The Breakdown ARC, Format: 126x198, v1, Output date:08/11/16
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to believe that it really is all over when the phone starts ringing.
I stare into the hallway from the kitchen, my heart thudding. This is a new day, I remind myself firmly, a new me, one who is no longer afraid of a ringing phone.
I push my chair back and go resolutely into the hall, but before I can answer it, the answering machine cuts in and Rachel’s voice floods the room.
‘Hi, Cass, it’s me, phoning from sunny Siena. I already tried your mobile, so I’ll phone back. I have to tell you about Alfie, oh my God, he’s soooo boring!’
Laughing with relief, I go upstairs to call her from my mobile. I’m halfway up when the house phone starts ringing again so, guessing it’s her, I run back down and snatch it up. But as soon as I put it to my ear, I know, I know that it’s not her, just as I knew that the call I heard coming in as I was leaving the house yesterday was him, even though I chose to believe that it wasn’t. And I feel such rage at having hope snatched away from me that I cut the call, effectively slamming the phone down. He calls straight back, as I knew he would, so I answer and cut the call, like before. After a minute or so – as if he can’t quite believe what I’ve done – he calls again. So I answer and hang up, and he calls back, so I answer and hang up and he calls back and we go back and forth for a while because, for some reason, our little game amuses me. But then I realise it’s one I’m not going to win, because he’s not going to leave me alone until I’ve given him what he wants. So I stay on the phone and The Breakdown