subtle I nearly miss it. ‘I managed to hide the fact that I didn’t have a clue what he was talking about and said twelve-thirty.’
I look at him, appalled. ‘What, so they’re all coming?
The children too?’
‘I’m afraid so.’
‘But I didn’t invite them! Could you phone Andy
back and tell him there’s been a mistake?’
‘I could, I suppose.’ Another pause. ‘As long as you’re
sure you didn’t tell them to come today.’
The Breakdown
79
I stare at him, trying not to let him see how unsure
I suddenly feel. Even though I can’t actually remember
inviting Hannah and Andy today, what I do remember
is Hannah saying, just as I was leaving, something about
Andy looking forward to seeing Matthew. My heart
sinks.
‘Look, don’t worry,’ Matthew says, watching me. ‘It’s
no big deal. I can always pop out and buy a few steaks
to throw on the barbecue. And some sausages for the
children.’
‘We’ll need to make couple of salads as well,’ I say,
feeling near to tears because I really don’t feel up to
having them round, not with my mind full of Jane. ‘And
what about dessert?’
‘I’ll buy some ice cream from the farm shop when I
go for the meat. And Andy said that Hannah’s bringing
a birthday cake – apparently it’s his birthday tomorrow
– so there’ll be plenty.’
‘What time is it now?’
‘Just gone ten. Why don’t you have your shower while
I make some breakfast? We won’t be able to have it in
bed though.’
‘It doesn’t matter,’ I say, trying to hide how depressed
I feel.
‘And then I’ll do the shopping while you make the
salads.’
‘Thank you,’ I mumble gratefully. ‘I’m sorry.’
His arms come around me. ‘Hey, you’ve got nothing to
apologise for. I know how tired you are at the moment.’
80
b a paris
I’m glad to be able to hide behind the excuse but
how long is it going to be before he says something to
me, because coming on top of having forgotten he was
going away on Monday, this fiasco over the barbecue
is one thing too many. I go through to the bathroom,
trying to ignore the voice in my head – you’re going mad, you’re going mad, you’re going mad. It would be so much easier to pretend that Hannah, wanting to come round for a barbecue, had decided to manipulate an invitation.
But that’s not something she’d ever do and I’d be mad
to even think it. Anyway, what about my obsession to
get the garden looking perfect? I’d been so sure that it
was just a way of distracting myself, of keeping myself
busy, but maybe somewhere in my brain, I knew that
I’d invited them.
Thinking back, I can guess what happened. I’d been
so distracted by the talk of Jane, I’d only been half
listening to what Hannah was saying by the end of our
chat. Maybe it was then, during those lost minutes, that
I’d invited Hannah and Andy to come today.
It used to happen to Mum all the time. She’d be
there, nodding away at things I was saying, offering her
opinion, even making suggestions, but a few minutes
later she couldn’t remember anything that we’d said at
all. ‘I must have been away with the fairies’, she’d say.
‘Periodic amnesia’ the nurse who came to check on
her called it. Was that where I had been, away with the
fairies? For the first time in my life, fairies seem like evil creatures.
The Breakdown
81
*
Hannah and Andy arrive a little after twelve-thirty, and
it’s not long before the conversation inevitably turns to the murder.
‘Did you see that the police are appealing for people
to come forward in relation to that young woman’s
death?’ Hannah says as she passes a plate to Matthew.
‘Don’t you think it strange that nobody has?’
‘Maybe, but I don’t suppose many people take that
road late at night,’ Matthew says. ‘Especially when
there’s a storm going on.’
‘If I’m coming back from Castle Wells, I take it all
the time,’ says Andy cheerfully. ‘Day or night, storm
or no storm.’
‘So where were you last Friday night?’ Matthew asks
and when they all start laughing I want to scream at
them to stop.
Matthew catches sight of my face. ‘Sorry,’ he says
quietly. He turns to Hannah and Andy. ‘Did Cass tell
you she knew her?’
They stare at me.
‘Not very well,’ I say quickly, cursing Matthew for
mentioning it. ‘We had lunch together once, that’s all.’
I close my mind to the image of Jane shaking her head
reproachfully at my quick dismissal of our friendship.
‘I’m so sorry, Cass, you must feel terrible,’ Hannah
says.
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b a paris
‘Yes, I do.’ There’s a short silence where nobody seems
to know quite what to say.
‘Well, I’m sure they’ll catch whoever’s responsible
soon,’ Andy says. ‘Somebody somewhere must know
something.’
I manage to get through the rest of the afternoon but
as soon as they’ve gone I wish they’d come back. Their