Calamity tilted her head so Wanda could scratch her neck. “Yeah. She gets like frequent flier miles for every newb familiar she sucks into her dark void or some shit. If she gets enough miles, she gets to go to some familiar retreat in Baja. Why the fuck should she get all the miles? I did this to ya, I win. That’s how it works with all familiars who are found or made—in your case, accidentally made—rather than born into the realm, by the way. If one of us finds you, it’s our duty to turn you in. Also, if that crazy hag Cecily gets her hands on you, who knows who the hell you’ll end up with. She just doesn’t care the way I do, and because this was my fault, the least I can do is try to make sure you get a good witch.”
A witch? She was getting a witch? What did that mean? Did it mean a job that paid money? Because she could use a job that paid money. God, could she ever.
Nina jammed her hands into her black hoodie pocket. “So let me get this shiz straight. Basically, you zapped a bitch and transferred some of your mojo to her, and that means she’s a familiar now, too? How the hell do you know that for sure?”
Calamity harrumphed at Nina. “All you gotta do is look at her wrist. She does have The Mark, Keeper of My Cage. It’s just like the one on the underside of my paw. We all have ’em.”
Poppy immediately began to back away, but she held up her wrist so they could all see the half-moon shape, which, as was becoming increasingly clear, apparently represented her status as a familiar.
“Hol-ee shitballs,” Nina muttered. “And you’re sure this means she’s like you? I thought familiars were all animals?”
“That’s because you don’t listen when I’m trying to school your sorry ass, Half-Breed!” Calamity exclaimed in a tone screaming exasperation. “Familiars come in all sorts of shapes and sizes these days. Animals are the least likely suspects for prying human eyes, but there are plenty of uprights to be had nowadays. You’d know that if you’d just become a little more involved in the community, you dolt!”
Nina snarled, reaching for Calamity, but Wanda took a step back to avoid her.
Suddenly, Poppy couldn’t take it anymore. Scooping up her Paul Stanley wig from the brick wall, she shook it at the group as though it would ward off impending danger.
“What does like her mean?” she shouted. Everything was moving at the speed of light while she was still stuck on the fact that a cat could talk.
Calamity sighed in what sounded like resignation, as though Poppy should know exactly what she was talking about. “It means we gotta get you to Familiar Central so you can get in the good line to get a nice witch. You do not want to wait for them to assign you somebody or you’ll end up like I did, with a leftover with anger management issues. That’s how I landed this crazy half-breed, scowling-at-everything-that-moves bitch on monster truck wheels.” Calamity lifted her jaw in Nina’s direction.
“A leftover…” Poppy muttered, but that didn’t slow Calamity’s tirade even a little.
“Now, I admit, I was lazy as fuck, and I should’ve gotten my shit together a lot sooner than I did when my old witch died. I lollygagged, hung out, threw back a bunch of brewskies, watched a lot of shitty reality TV and in general took a break from all the hocus-pocus crap. My old witch was a handful. But who knew I’d end up with the bottom of the barrel just because I was on sabbatical? And to add insult to injury, I ended up with an ogre who’s half vampire. Like I know a friggin’ thing about vampires. But there was no talking the head honcho out of this match made in the inner circle of Hell. So here I am—stuck with a psychotic, nay, violent, half-vampire/half-witch. Forever.”
Nina eyeballed Calamity, and to say she wasn’t exactly pleased was likely an understatement. But oddly, her next words were far more levelheaded than Poppy would have expected, even though her fists were tightly clenched at her sides and her teeth could quite possibly crack from the pressure of grinding them.
“We’re working through some shit. Boundaries, rules, crap like that.”
“Yeah,” the cat scoffed, curling into Wanda’s protective hold. “Boundaries and crap. That’s what we’re working through. I hope that helps you sleep at night. Oh, wait. You don’t sleep at night, do you, Blood Sucker?”
Marty grabbed one of Poppy’s hands and held it to her chest, her warm, smooth skin soothing Poppy, lulling her into a sense of security. Probably a false sense of one, but still a comfort. “To say Calamity was a surprise is an understatement. She and Nina are in the adjustment phase of their relationship—still working out the kinks, you know?”
“You mean the phase where she doesn’t fucking do what she’s told?” Nina asked.
Calamity crawled to Wanda’s shoulder and perched herself there. If cats could give dirty looks, she was shooting daggers at Nina. “I’ll say this one more time, Pale Face. I am your guide, your helper, your GD advisor to the magical realm. Not your slave in perpetuity. Got that, you colossal PITA? You can’t tell me what to do. I’m a hundred and fifty years old, not ten!”