Theo clasps his glasses and eyes me harshly. “Hayden’s been drinking.”
“No I haven’t!” I roar and fight the urge to punch my fucking arrogant arse of a brother in the nose. I glance briefly at the pram and it snuffs my burning rage when I hear Marisa begin to fuss. My heart bleeds inside my chest at that sound.
“Leslie,” I beg. “Please, you have to believe me. I haven’t been drinking. I swear to you. I broke a bottle at the corner store. I was going to buy it. I wanted to buy it. I wanted to drink the whole bloody thing…but I smashed it instead.” My eyes slam shut at the fact that in a flash, I’m now back to being the sad, pathetic baby brother whom everyone feels sorry for. And it didn’t even take me getting drunk to do it.
Leslie pushes the pram over to Theo who exhales deeply, attempting to calm down with Marisa closer to him now. She walks over to me and cups my face in her hands. Her green eyes are glossy as she sniffs my breath. I begin to moan about, feeling like the fucking spit on someone’s shoe, but she catches me off guard when she pulls me down into her arms…
…for a hug.
She hugs me.
She tucks my head to her chest and she fucking hugs me.
Just when I thought I was already broken beyond recognition…
My heart splinters.
I begin quaking in her arms and squint at my watch through my tears even though I know there’s not a shot in hell that it could be 11:11 right now. But I wish it were. I wish so much that it were. I wish my own sister were here holding me. I wish I wasn’t shattering into a shred of the man I was before. I wish so many things, but the one wish I want the most is something I possibly just ruined forever.
I let everything in my life get so fucked, and now all this tiny redhead wants to do is hug me.
After an insurmountable amount of time, Theo interrupts my strangled sobs with a soft tap on my shoulder. I release Leslie with a loud sniff and wipe aggressively at my eyes. I look up and see Marisa’s wide, beautiful baby blues staring back at me. I release another throaty sob as Theo holds her out for me to take.
I slide my hands beneath her small arms and tuck her to my chest, pressing my cheek to the top of her head. My arms tremble as I purse my lips into a thin line to conceal the emotional pain of the trust he’s just given me in this moment. Exhaling a few more aching cries, I allow my heart to regulate with hers…
Calming…
Soothing…
Beating…
Alive.
“Where’s my fussy girl at?” I joke, and Leslie and Theo burst out into an emotionally thick laugh. Theo tucks Leslie under his arm, and the two of them look at me with all the undiluted love and trust in their eyes that they can muster.
I swallow hard and kiss Marisa’s soft head. She fusses and it brings a smile to my face. “There’s my girl. I got ya.”
“Still my girl,” Theo mumbles under his breath and Leslie elbows him sharply in the ribs.
I nod a silent thank you…because for the first time in years…I allow myself to be loved.
“So you’ve turned the person whom you completed your challenge with into a full-fledged relationship,” Doc states, eyeing me seriously from his armchair and not giving anything away. If I didn’t know any better, I swear I see a laugh quirking the corners of his mouth.
I squirm in my seat after revealing everything I’ve been up to since last seeing him. I can’t help but feel like a kid who’s just told his mum that he broke Grannie’s vase. “It was a relationship. Now it’s not I guess.”
My memory briefly flickers to the terrifyingly intimidating glower I received from Vi’s brother, Camden, when I stepped out of C. Designs this morning. The four of her brothers have been casing my flat around the clock for the past two days now, doing a proper job of keeping me in my place.
“Why isn’t it a relationship anymore?” Doc asks curiously.
“I’m sure I don’t have to tell you what a horrid idea that was. I mean…it’s not exactly extra credit to take the assignment you gave me and turn it into a relationship. I’ve not watered a plant or gotten a dog. I sure as hell didn’t need a relationship messing up my recovery.”
Doc tilts his head. “How did the relationship make you feel?”
“Out of bloody control,” I snap aggressively. But in one blink, I’m remembering the deliriously amazing moments I shared with Vi as well. Even the painful ones with her were beautiful because she was with me.
“Is that all?” he asks.
I shrug. “It was too much. It was really intense. I don’t need that right now. I need to focus on myself.”
Doc’s brows lift. “You need to focus on moving forward, Hayden. Above all. Being alive and living life is taking steps forward.” I swallow hard and he leans forward as if he knows he still hasn’t gotten through to me. “It’s allowing yourself to live, not just be alive. Staying sober and functional shouldn’t be your only goals. Embracing all of your emotions…good and bad…now that is the greatest challenge of all.”
SUBSTITUTION