“Good. Listen, that girl I was meeting today when I bumped into you — I want to go out with her tonight. But she made plans with a friend who doesn't want to be the third wheel. Will you do me a favor and come out tonight?”
A date. It's something I've craved. To know what it's like for guys like my brother. It's what I imagine as I watch people, inserting myself into the Sears catalogue snapshots of their lives. But now that it's here, presented to me, I don't know what to do with this. I'm so much better in my thoughts than I am in person. In my thoughts, words flow effortlessly. My curious scars vanish from my face. The nagging feeling that I'm being silently ridiculed withers away.
“Come on, Sam. You are finally getting out there. You're going to school. You can't always do what mom wants. Don't let her control you.”
Control. My chest tightens at the word. It's only been within the past few years that I've begun to realize that what I've seen as caring for mom and her protecting me—maybe it's been a way to keep me here, surrounded by nothing but trees and animals. Safety is a prison.
“Uh…okay,” I say.
“Sweet. She actually lives closer to you than Sacramento. I'll come get you.”
“Okay. Pull up to the…d-driveway. I'll meet you out there.”
It's hard not to fidget as we pull up to Cindy's house. That's the name of his friend. Almost as soon as he puts the car in park, the front door opens and two girls come prancing out, their long hair swishing side to side as they take bouncy steps towards us. It's hard to make out their features in the night, but I see shapes. Curves and slopes. Nothing hard or sharp. Lithe limbs punctuated by round edges. Their nonsensical chatter gets louder as they near the car.
“Hey guys!” one of the girls says as she opens the back door.
“Hey Cindy,” Scoot says playfully. She's got flaxen hair. Long and wispy, so that it looks like a halo when the light shines through it.
The other girl slides in behind her and slams the door shut.
“Hi,” she says in a less familiar tone.
“This is my cousin, Phoebe,” Cindy adds.
The confines of Scoot's car are tight and I wonder if it's too much to spin around completely to get a look.
“Hi, I'm Andrew, but everyone calls me Scooter. This is my brother, Sam.”
“Sam doesn't get a fun nickname?” Cindy asks playfully.
“I guess my dad never gave him one…” Scoot thinks aloud.
I take this as my cue to turn around. And when I see Phoebe, it's like a bucket of ice water is splashed on me. It's been almost a year, but I would never forget the face of the first girl I watched. The thin girl with the tiny tits. Except this year, she's filled out a little more, her body sprouting breasts I can see through the low neckline of her top.
I think she sees the look on my face, or maybe they all do. Or maybe they’re all staring because I'm supposed to say something but I don't. It's your turn Sam, say something. They are all waiting. But the shock of my worlds colliding makes my throat tense in a way I haven't felt since the last time I saw my dad. So, all I do is give a friendly nod.
Fuck. I already blew it.
“Well, I hope you guys want to party,” Cindy says, waving a little baggy in the air.
There's not much to do in these parts at night. I assumed we'd go back down to the city, but instead, Scoot turns up the radio and we drive back towards our place.
As I'm still trying to figure out if Phoebe will recognize me when she gets a better look, Cindy asks where we're going.
“My family has property out here. There's a pond and we can party without worrying about police or anything. I'm trying to be a cop one day, I can't get in any trouble.”
I'm not sure I like the idea of bringing them back here. This is my home. My land. Scoot was always just a visitor. I don't like how he didn't ask. How he has just invaded my ground zero, the place where the rest of the world doesn't exist.
We drive up to a dirt road that leads to a gate with the sign No Trespassers. They are trespassers, I think to myself as he pulls it open. We drive down the rear access road as close as we can. But there's about a quarter mile left to go on foot.
He gets out the car and we all follow.
“I'm not dressed for this!” Cindy laughs.
“Give me your hand,” Scoot offers before leading the pack.
Immediately, I see Phoebe struggling through the dark forest, the foliage I can run through with my eyes closed. I should offer but I don't want to speak. I'm all wound up now because this is all too real. It's easier to be the guy hidden behind the window, but when she can see me, I don't know how to handle myself.
“Do you mind if I…?” Phoebe asks coyly as she reaches out for me.