“Fine, but this is stupid.”
I climb on his back as he instructs me to. The first thing I notice is we make a left instead of a right outside of the cabin. But being blindfolded, it isn't long before I lose track of distance and space. Suddenly, a smell hits my nose as a door creaks open, the sound of a goat bleating and huffing comes from beyond the threshold.
He sets me on my feet. The door creaks again as he closes it behind me. Then he pulls off the blindfold. I look around the small barn. A horse is tied up on one end, in a stall. Two small goats trot over to us.
“Oh my god!” I howl as one tries to gnaw at the hem of my dress.
He swats it and makes a hissing sound.
“We—you—have animals?”
He generously gives me a grin and nods.
“Do they have names?”
He nods, pulling out his pad. Small goat, Trixie. Other, Hilda. Horse, Beverly.
“Wooooow,” I gasp, petting the goats who have since stopped trying to feed on my clothes. He gestures towards the horse, who he pats gently before letting her out of her stall. She huffs a bit, letting out some energy. He saddles her up and motions for me to mount her.
“Really?” I ask.
He gestures more forcefully. Yeah, hurry up.
I go towards the horse and try to hoist myself up. My belly isn't too big, but it's surprising how hard it is to keep my balance and work around it. He catches me as I fall back. The second time he gives me a hardy boost and I manage to awkwardly slide my body onto Beverly's back. He mounts her in one swift motion behind me, and reaches over me to show me the blindfold. It has to go on again. Once he's done that, I feel him give her a gentle kick to the hip and lead us out of the barn. We trot gently for a while, in this odd limbo where he extends another part of himself to me, while still keeping me shielded from any true knowledge of my circumstances.
But it does feel nice, the gentle rocking of the horse, the wind in my hair. How is it in this moment, I feel more at ease than I did in my previous, safe life?
After a couple of minutes, he pulls off the blindfold. We are on a trail in the forest. It emerges to open field. I can see roving fields for miles. Then hills with trees. No roads, no houses. Is this what is beyond the lake? Is my escape plan a hopeless endeavor?
I try not to panic. This could be another direction. I have no idea how we got to this area. I can't let despair sink in when I've found a way to maintain hope. Instead, I choose to appreciate the bright yellow sun blazing my cheeks and the occasional huff of the Palomino under us. There was a time my world was just a fourteen by ten box. It's already become so much larger.
Once we're done, he blindfolds me and takes me back to my cabin which is now regularly stocked with basic food to keep me happy when he can't make me a fresh meal.
Back by evening, he says.
I wave him off with a smile and he latches the door behind him. Taking the rare opportunity to possibly eat something without losing it in the morning, I grab a box of crackers, an apple, and snack on them while listening to my ever-growing record collection. I'm biding my time here, but I have to admit, even now that I have things to keep me entertained without losing my sanity, it's not the same when he's not here. Human company is as essential as air, water, and food.
Eventually, after filling up on snacks exhaustion hits and I doze off to the sounds of Carole King.
The intense pain in my abdomen jolts me from my nap. Though it's been longer than a nap as I can already see the bright sky dimming through my roof. I grab at my stomach as panic sets in.
For most of the time after I learned of my pregnancy, I didn't care about this baby. It was an obligation. A tool. But a feeling of dread comes over me, and suddenly I want to do everything in my power to keep it alive, not just for my protection, but because this baby has filled me with promise. I was just starting to get to know him or her. Just beginning to feel something grow inside of me. Watch its mere existence change a monster into the kind of man who would take me out for a surprise horseback ride. It can't leave me. Not after giving me a glimpse of that life, in between a girl confined to a cabin all day, and one out in the world, trying to please a mother who never wanted her.
I tell myself it's going to pass. I'm (almost) a nurse and I know there many reasons for abdominal pain. But as I feel my innards contracting, I can't avoid thinking the worst.
I run to the door of the cabin, slamming my palm against it as hard as I can. “Sam! Sam!” I cry out, knowing my voice is simply echoing through the trees.