I’d hoped she would at least seek revenge when he had divorced her. She hadn’t. She’d taken his threats to heart and given up on being a mother to Wills. Disgusted with my train of thought, I grabbed a cup more aggressively than needed and poured my first cup of coffee.
I couldn’t change Hilda. I couldn’t rewind to before I had slept with her. That was done. And Wills was here.
“What time did you get home?” Beulah’s voice was still raspy from sleep. I’d been so wrapped up in my thoughts I hadn’t heard her in the kitchen behind me. That wasn’t like me. I was normally very attune to everything around me. I turned to see her standing there in her faded and worn pink pajamas. Her mother had given them to her and she wore them for security. I realized she must have needed them last night and I knew it was my fault.
I sat my cup down and walked to her. “Midnight. I didn’t realize it would be so late or I would have called.”
She didn’t relax. There was tension in her shoulders. As if she needed to protect herself. I slid a hand around her waist and pulled her to me before pressing a kiss to the top of her head. Still the stiffness remained.
“I went to see Hilda. My flight was delayed three hours. I expected to be home by nine. I was going to tell you all about when I came home, but that wasn’t how it went.”
She tilted her head back and gazed up at me. “Is she going to help?” Although her body remained tense she was truly concerned. Her eyes were so damn expressive she didn’t need to speak for me to know what she was thinking.
“No,” I replied. “She’s not.”
Beulah sighed and her frown deepened. “I’m sorry.”
“Me too. I didn’t expect her to but I had to try one more time.”
“What are you going to do?”
I was waiting on the DNA results. I thought I knew what I’d do next but I also wasn’t sure exactly how I would react if I was told Wills was my son. I couldn’t leave him with my father another day. Knowing that taking him would be the worst move where my father was concerned, I feared I had to find another way to carry out my plan.
“I want to say I know this answer, but I don’t. I will have to wait and see.”
“When will you know?”
“Any day. Possibly today.”
Beulah laid her head on my chest for a moment. Something was still bothering her. But she was holding it close. Not wanting to say anything, I would give her time to tell me what was on her mind on her own. If she didn’t come out with it soon, I’d push until she told me.
“I don’t understand mothers like Hilda.”
She wouldn’t. She had an excellent mother. A selfless one. It was rarer in my world than she realized. I wish every kid could have a mother like hers. A mother like I knew she would one day be.
“He deserves more than Hilda. She’s better out of his life than in it.” And I meant that.
“Every kid needs a mother,” Beulah replied.
“I agree but not every mother deserves a kid.” I’d seen that too many times.
Beulah pulled back and started to say something when my cell phone started ringing. She closed her mouth and her eyes widened. It was early. Too early for calls. I reached into the pocket of my flannel pajama pants and pulled it out. Glancing at the screen panic set in as Wills’ name lit up the screen.
“Hey, bud.” I stepped back from Beulah because the anxiety made me want to pace.
“Did I wake you up?” he asked with concern way beyond his years. Living with my father and no mother to care for you made you grow up fast. Already Wills was more reserved than the other kids his age. The sadness in his eyes mirrored what I’d once seen in mine when staring at my reflection. I hated it. I didn’t want that for him.
“Not at all. You know I get up before the sun.” I tried to sound cheerful. He didn’t call me often. I checked on him more than he reached out to me. When I did get him on the phone, he rarely talked. It was more of a stinted conversation, if not completely one-sided. I always had to force him to chat by asking questions.
“Mom’s coming today.” He sounded unhappy about seeing her. My grip on the phone tightened. Hilda hadn’t mentioned that yesterday. I wondered if my visit had something to do with it.
“You looking forward to seeing her?” I asked knowing he wasn’t. He wished he was and I understood that feeling too. I wanted to enjoy my mother’s visits, but I was afraid to want her. Afraid to care because she would leave and wouldn’t return for a long time. It hurt and I didn’t want to hurt. Wills was learning that young like I had.
“No.” He sounded guilty for saying it. He needed to remember that Hilda’s visit was fleeting, she was only passing through. He didn’t need to get too attached her or hope for more? It seemed impossible to convey that to a six-year-old.
“She misses you,” I said instead.
He grunted.
We were silent a moment while I tried to think of the right words.
“When will you be back?” he asked.
“I can be there when you need me,” I told him.
He didn’t say anything and I waited. He was trying to be tough.
“Maybe next week sometime, I mean if you get extra time and can.” I knew that tone. I read between the lines easily.
“I’ll see you in two days,” I told him.
“Okay.” And there was the first smile in his voice. For now, I’d have to be good with that. In two days, I’d know what I was going to do. I would know if Wills was legally my son or my brother.
Either way, I was saving him. I just didn’t know how.
Beulah
GERALDINE WAS DRESSED IN AN ice-blue ball gown made of satin and lace when I arrived the next morning. She kept telling me that the shrimp cocktail was unacceptable and that it was past time for the ice sculptures to arrive. I played along because this seemed to be a stronger spell than normal. She was anxious and frustrated and kept yelling at someone named Mona to get her satin slippers downstairs before the guests arrived.
When she slung open the fridge and wailed in a panic that the fruit salad wasn’t even put together, I decided it was worse to let her believe this was real than to bring her back to the here and now. Closing the fridge door, I turned to Geraldine. “It’s the year 2017. I’m Beulah and this is your home in Savannah. It’s time for you to eat breakfast. I thought we’d have egg whites with goat cheese and a slice of tomato from your garden on a whole wheat English muffin.” I spoke slowly and clearly hoping she understood and snapped out of it.
Geraldine stared at me in confusion for only a moment. She blinked several times before looking down at her dress. I almost sighed in relief that she was back when she made a disgusted grunt. “I wore this last year. Why did I forget that? I can’t wear it again this year. This ball is too important. There are clients here, not just friends.” She rolled her eyes and headed out of the kitchen and for the stairs. “If the ice sculpture arrives, tell them they’re late and I want it by the fountain on the back patio.” I walked over to watch her climb the stairs. At least she had calmed down. Maybe she’d come back around soon.