Stopping to look at myself in the mirror, I wondered if I should think about getting a place of my own. Stone had never mentioned that he wanted me to live with him permanently. We were . . . we were a couple. But that didn’t mean he planned on us living under the same roof. Feeling displaced was normal for me, but it didn’t make it feel less lonely. It made me miss my mother and our home.
Would she approve of Stone? I hadn’t thought of that. I’d been so wrapped up in how he made me feel that I didn’t stop and think about what my mother would have done in this situation. I had never seen her date or get serious with a man. Heidi and I had been her center. Her world. Had she ever been lonely? As a mother of two girls with no help, having a life outside of us had to be incredibly hard. She had no one to lean on, no support.
Once again, I was reminded of how tough my mother was. She was strong. She had raised me to believe in myself and to never depend on someone else. She’d taught me to change a tire, fix a lawn mower, climb a ladder to check the roof, and never think I needed a man for anything. And here I was feeling lonely without a man. I was vulnerable where I had been raised never to put myself in this situation.
The man who donated part of my DNA never came around. He never asked about me. Never helped her once. And I never heard her complain, mention him, or blame him for the difficulties I know she had to face. It was as if he never existed.
I walked into the bathroom and turned on the water for my bath. I would never be as tough as my mother. I could blame that on the unknown man who helped give me life. He was weak. Maybe that was where this emotional outcry was coming from.
With a sigh, I took off my clothing and stepped into the warm water. My head was all over the place. My emotions abnormally raw. It wasn’t like me to worry and get worked up so easily. Stone has a job. He can’t be expected to be here with me all the time. That was silly and I needed to get over myself.
Lying back, I closed my eyes and enjoyed the warmth of the water. My body was tired and my thoughts quickly began to ease and drift. Drowsily, I realized I was beginning to dream and forced my eyes open. I’d never gone to sleep in the bath before. Last nights events must be catching up to me.
My lack of sleep could also be contributed to my emotions. I sat up and started to wash my body deciding I needed to get some sleep before Stone got home. If he wanted a repeat of last night, I was on board. However, in order to keep up with him I needed sleep. At the thought of grabbing a nap, I yawned and my eyes watered. Jeez, I was tired.
I quickly finished and dried my body with a towel. I felt so out of sorts. Reasons for my off behavior ran through my head. I smiled when I realized it was probably time for my period. I paused and did the math in my head but it didn’t seem right. Thinking harder I counted the days but once again it was wrong. It couldn’t have been thirty-six days since my last period. I was a twenty-eight days on the mark girl. Never a day early or late.
My heart began to thud more rapidly in my chest. I wrapped the towel around me and searched for my phone. I needed to see my phone calendar because I had marked down the first day of my last period. I always marked the calendar so I knew when to expect my next one. Each step I took to my phone, my mind began assaulting me with what ifs I tried to slap away and push back.
When I grabbed my phone, my hand was trembling. I was shaking as I unlocked the screen and scrolled for the calendar app. There was a moment of pause before I clicked it. I wasn’t sure I wanted to see. I wasn’t sure I was ready if I wasn’t wrong. Too much would be in the balance. I began to sweat as I lowered my thumb to press the small calendar app and it opened in front of me.
I closed my eyes and whispered a brief “please no” to God or whoever was out there listening.
With the panic causing my blood to pound through my veins so loudly I could hear it in my ears, I opened my eyes. The moment they focused and I studied the dates in front of me, I knew.
I don’t know when I sat down. The floor had to be cold, but I didn’t notice. My knees buckled and I went down like a tree falling. I was sitting on the floor staring at the phone in my hand. My mind was racing and my heart was beating so rapidly that my breathing became erratic.
All I could think about was a little boy who needed saving from a monster. Stone was facing the hardest battle of his life. The darkness from his past clawed away at his mind so much it haunted him. He was ready to save that little boy.
This was not what he needed. It was bad timing—the worst.
We had both known. When we chose to get lost in the pleasure, take a chance, we had been aware that this could happen. I hadn’t thought about the consequences, and as the truth sank in, I wasn’t thinking about them now.
I dropped my phone into my lap and touched my stomach with both hands. If there was a child inside, if we had created a life, I would love and cherish it. I’d never let my child believe I hadn’t wanted it or that it hadn’t been planned.
I wasn’t sure I could stay here. My trust in Stone wasn’t as strong as I thought it was.
At this moment, I couldn’t say with certainty that I trusted him to want . . . this baby.
Stone
I DIDN’T WAKE BEULAH WHEN I finally got home. I hadn’t planned on being so late, but my flight had been delayed for three hours.
When I walked in at midnight, she was curled up in the bed in the room I’d given her instead of mine. I didn’t want to risk moving and waking her, so I had climbed into bed with her. In her sleep, she had curled up against me and mumbled something I didn’t understand.
She would expect an explanation this morning. As well she should. I had planned on recapping my evening when I arrived home. However, the flight delay kept me from that conversation until this morning.
The coffee perked and the smell filled the kitchen as I watched the sun slowly rise through the windows. It was something I was accustomed to. Standing in a kitchen, drinking my coffee as the sun comes up. The difference was I had a woman I loved in bed. I should be in bed with her still.
My eyes had barely closed all night. Instead, I was going through all the different scenarios that could transpire when the results from the DNA test came back. From the moment Wills came home from the hospital, he had felt like my sibling. But I’d always felt the weight on my shoulders that he could be my child. The reality I was forced to accept was that Hilda had decided my father would be Wills’ father. Even after he beat her ass when she’d confronted him about sleeping with the college-aged daughter of one of his clients.
The designer clothing line that filled our stores should have been more important than a fucking vagina. Virginia was as empty-headed as a spoiled heiress could be, but my father hadn’t been able to keep his hands off her. Now she was my stepmother. Hilda was thirty-seven and as far as my father was concerned she was over the hill.