***
The Jets win. In my heart I’m pissed, but in my mind I’m satisfied. The Chargers are out of the way. Now, as long as we can stay out of our own way, we can beat the Chiefs and clinch the Wild Card. We’ll be in the playoffs. We’ll be on our way to the Super Bowl.
I’m flying high, but Lilly is riding low. She has been all day. I thought that when we got to the house and she saw that her dad was good, that he was lucid, she would relax, but it never happened. She was under a cloud all afternoon and it’s only now that we’re in the car on the way back to my place that I have a chance to ask her why.
“It’s stupid,” she mutters, shaking her head at herself.
“Tell me anyway.”
“It was a good day. That’s the problem.”
I frown. “I don’t get it.”
“Part of me kind of wanted it to be a bad day,” she admits reluctantly. “I wanted you to see it when it’s ugly. I wanted it out of the way, but today was good. It was fun, but it wasn’t normal. That’s not our normal anymore. My normal is my dad doesn’t know me and that day is still out there. Eventually you’re going to see it and it’s going to be awful, and I never know when it’s going to happen. I can’t be ready for it.”
“Then you shouldn’t worry about it. And so what if I see it? I’m not judging anything, Lilly. I’ll be there for you when it happens. That’s my only stake in it.”
“I know. I just… I just want a resolution.” Her voice cracks. Her foot stops. “I want him here or I want him gone. It’s so fucking terrible to say, but this half-in, half-out way that it’s happening it’s… it’s too hard. My dad is gone but sometimes he’s not. How am I supposed to handle that?”
I reach for her hand, taking it in mine. “Exactly the way you’re handling it right now. The best you can. And talking about it. You can tell me anything about any of it and I’ll listen. You never have to pretend to be okay for me, okay?”
She sniffs sharply, but I can see her smile. I can feel her relief in the air. “Okay.”
“Okay.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
COLT
December 27th
Leavenworth, WA
We beat the Kansas City Chiefs yesterday; twenty-one to seven. Back in fighting form, I got to play almost the entire game and I’ve never felt better. Never been stronger.
And that last win clinched it for us, winning us the Wild Card slot in the playoffs for the Super Bowl.
It’s always bitter sweet playing against the Chiefs. I grew up loving them. Rooting for them. Playing that game, dismantling them like we did, it felt good but wrong at the same time. Like kicking Santa in the balls and liking it.
I flew out to Kansas early and did Christmas in Galena with my family before the game. I tried to convince Lilly to go with me but she said she didn’t want to intrude on a holiday. Besides, she has the bakery to run with Rona. They don’t get holidays and breaks. I wish she’d hire more help so she didn’t have to live and die by that store, but she loves it and I’m picking my battles. Her taking more time for herself isn’t one of them. Not yet.
Christmas in Kansas was the same as it always is; big and loud, just the way I like it. It felt good to go home to Galena. To a small town after the sprawling crazy of L.A. I like the big city, but I’m a small town boy at heart. I’ll move back to Galena someday when this ride is over. Maybe in ten years, maybe in thirty, but it’s going to happen because sooner or later a country boy always comes home.
My mom asked about Lilly nonstop while I was home, even taking the phone from me on Christmas day to talk to her and tell her to have a happy holiday. She really fell in love with her in the short time they saw each other in Minnesota. My mom said she liked that Lilly is, ‘genuine’. I’m taking that to mean she appreciates the fact that I’m dating a girl who doesn’t have plastic tits or bottle bought hair.
It was good to be home but it’s even better to be back with Lilly. I was gone three days and I missed her for every single one of them. Once I flew back to L.A. I picked her up at her apartment and immediately turned around to head back to the airport. I’m stealing her from Rona and the store for two days and I’m going to make the most of them. We’re getting out town. We’re having a redo on Christmas so we can do it together.
“What is this place again?” she asks, looking out the window of the rental car as we plow up the snowy mountain road.
“The town or the lodge?”
“The town?”
“It’s a Bavarian village. It’s made to look like an old German town. Like a little slice of Europe up in these mountains. They light it up like crazy at Christmas and have this big festival. It goes on through January so I thought it’d be perfect for us since we missed Christmas together.”
Lilly smiles. “It sounds perfect.”
“I’d have taken you to the real Germany if you’d let me.”