“You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I knew that, rationally.” She gave me a shy smile. “But women fret about these things. I’m very happy to hear it wasn’t something I did or didn’t do.”
“It wasn’t,” I assured her.
“So what’s the problem?” She picked up her coffee again. “He doesn’t have the same feelings?”
“No. He does,” I said glumly.
She blinked at me. “So…you should be together. Try it out.”
“It’s not that simple,” I said irritably. “I can’t just suddenly be gay. What would people think?”
“Fuck people!” The outburst was surprising, coming from her. “If they’re not happy for you, then fuck them! Maybe they don’t realize how hard it is to meet someone you like that likes you back the same way.”
I thought about that, shoved food around on my plate. “People will talk about me.”
“Let them talk. You know who you are.”
“They’ll say mean things. They’ll turn what he and I feel into something ugly.”
“Who. Cares.” She set her cup down hard. “I’m serious, Derek. You can’t live your entire life trying to please other people. You’ll go crazy. You’ll never be happy. And you know in your heart it’s not ugly.”
“But it’s…it’s how I was raised. To think of it as wrong. To think of it as a defect. To think of myself as off in some way. It made me work that much harder to be right.”
She leaned forward in her chair, her arms folded on the table. “So what do you want? To be right in some meaningless, outdated, unfair, inhuman way? Or to be happy?”
“But I want a family,” I said. “I want to be a father.”
“So have a family. Be a father.”
She sounded like Gage, like it was so easy. “I don’t know if I could do that to my kids. Raise them in such a—”
“Loving home? Look, even if Maxim isn’t the one, there is no reason why you can’t have children. You’d be a great dad, Derek.” She reached out and touched my arm again. “You’re going to be a great dad. You could do it on your own. You’re a caretaker. You’re kind and sensitive and strong.”
“I’m not.” I shook my head. “I’m not strong at all. Maxim’s the strong one. He told me he loved me, but he had to walk away if I wouldn’t come out about us.”
She bit her lip. “Do you love him?”
I nodded, my throat going tight.
“Then you know what to do. Trust me, Derek. This doesn’t happen every day. When you feel that for someone, you grab onto it. And you don’t let go.”
Swallowing hard, I shoved a bite of breakfast in my mouth. I wanted to do what she said. But I wasn’t there yet.
Another week went by, during which I went over and over what Carolyn had said. What Maxim had said. What I felt in my heart. What I wanted for the future. I’d thought I would feel better, more righteous as time went on, but I didn’t. All I felt was sad and confused and sorry and lonely—so, so lonely.
I couldn’t go on like this. I either had to fucking be a man and get over it, or be a man and own up to it.
Around five P.M., I got a text from Gage. Hey, just a reminder about Will’s 6th bday party on Sunday. 3:00.
I texted him back. Sounds good. You free for a beer tonight?
He replied after ten minutes. The ball and chain shall release me for two hours between seven and nine. Does that work?
I replied that it did and we made plans to meet. My stomach was not okay, and my brain said this was crazy, but for once, I felt like maybe I’d breathe easier tonight when I tried to sleep.
I’d come to a decision.
Thirty-Six
DEREK
“So I have to tell you something.” I wasn’t in the mood to put it off. I’d waited until our beers arrived, and that was long enough.
“Okay.” Gage looked at me a little funny.
“I’m in love with someone.”
His jaw dropped. “Seriously? That’s great, man. Who is she?”
I shook my head, closed my eyes, and braced myself. When I opened them again, I spoke the truth. “It’s not a she, it’s a he. It’s Maxim.”
I’d thought it would nauseate me. I’d thought it would feel wrong. I’d thought it would be the hardest thing I’d ever done. But it wasn’t. Actually, the truth had skated pretty easily off my tongue.
Gage squinted at me like he might have heard wrong, mouth agape. “What?”
“It’s Maxim,” I said, my confidence growing. Fuck, this felt good. How had I not guessed how good this would feel? “I’m in love with Maxim.”
“Goddammit!” He closed his eyes and pressed his lips together. “Do you know what this means? I lost the bet.”
“The bet?”
“Yeah.” Gage took a long swallow of his beer. “Lanie bet me after that night at your house, when we all had dinner, that you guys had a thing. I didn’t see it at all.”
I blinked in surprise. “Fuck. Really? Carolyn said the same thing.”
Gage nearly choked on his beer. “Are you kidding me? How am I so dense?”
“Don’t feel bad. I worked really hard not to let it show. I worked really hard not to feel it at all.”
“Did you?” He looked at me sympathetically. “That’s got to be hard.”
“Yeah.” I shook my head. “But it didn’t work. I still feel it.”
“Does he?”
“He did a couple weeks ago. But I fucked it up.”
“How?”
“I told him we had to stay a secret. It hurt him.”
“I get it. That would hurt.”
It felt like he punched me. “Yeah. But I wasn’t ready to accept it yet—the fact that I wanted to be with a guy.”
Gage thought for a moment, took another drink. “Have you always felt like that? Attracted to guys?”
The back of my neck got hot. “Sort of. From the time I was young, I had the occasional feeling for someone. But I was always able to ignore it.”
His expression turned guilty. “I feel kind of bad that I never knew or guessed this about you. We’ve been best friends forever.”
“Don’t feel bad. I did everything I could to hide it. And I liked girls too. It wasn’t really that big of an issue.”
“I was just going to ask that. If you’d been faking it with women.”
“Not necessarily. But it’s been a really long time since I’ve had good chemistry with a woman. And I’ve never had chemistry with anyone like I do with Maxim.”
“Wow. So what now?”
I took a deep breath. “Now I try to figure out where to go from here, I guess. How to be honest about my feelings. How to accept this about myself. How to convince Maxim to give me another chance.”
“Tell me what to do to help you,” he said seriously, setting his beer bottle down. “Lanie and I will do everything we can.”
“Can I bring a guest to the birthday party Sunday?”
He grinned. “Absolutely.”
I was tempted to go right from there to The Blind Pig, but I didn’t want to say what I had to say to Maxim in public. I texted my sister.
Need to talk. Can you meet me for breakfast tomorrow?
She replied within ten minutes. Sure!
We set the time and place, and I drove home, feeling hopeful for the first time in weeks. I’d done it—I’d told the truth about myself to someone, and he’d been supportive.
I could breathe.