“Have you seen him?” I asked, trying not to sound too emotional.
“No, I haven’t.” She picked up her head and looked at me. “I think he’s holed up at home, alone and miserable. He hasn’t even called me.”
It only made me feel worse.
Thirty-Five
DEREK
I wasn’t sleeping. I barely ate. I skipped the gym practically every other day. I had no energy, and everything depressed me.
My house was too quiet. My bed too empty. My life too lonely.
What was he thinking? How was he doing? Was he working a lot? Did he like his new apartment? Did he miss me at night the way I missed him?
After ten days of this torture, I found myself talking to strangers at the grocery store just for human connection. I knew I could have called Gage or Ellen, but I didn’t trust myself not to blurt the truth and melt into a pathetic puddle of shame and humiliation for what I’d done.
Finally, I broke down and went into The Blind Pig on my way home from work one Friday night. I hadn’t seen Maxim in almost two weeks, and my hands shook as I pushed open the door. Had it really only been a month since I’d come in here to pick him up? So much had changed since then. I wasn’t the same person at all.
So why are you trying to act like it?
I pushed the voice aside and walked to the bar, careful to appear cool and casual. I didn’t look around for him until I’d ordered a beer and counted to twenty. Then I let myself glance around, as if I wanted to see what was new here.
He was wiping down a high-top table behind me, and I couldn’t tell if he’d seen me yet. I whipped my head around and focused on my beer again. My heart thundered in my chest, and I felt short of breath.
“Hey, stranger.” Ellen appeared behind the bar and grinned at me. “Haven’t seen you in forever. Been busy?”
“Yeah.” I ran a hand through my hair. “Work stuff. Lots of work stuff.”
“Dad running you ragged?”
“Something like that.” I dragged on the beer bottle, sucking it down.
“Well, it’s good to see you. Can I get you something to eat?”
I wasn’t hungry in the slightest, but it would give me a reason to sit there. “Sure. Bring me whatever.”
She sighed. “One whatever, coming right up.”
As soon as she disappeared behind the kitchen door, I looked for Maxim again, but he wasn’t behind me anymore. Scanning the room again, I found him in a far corner, loading empty glasses onto a tray. When he brought them behind the bar, he spotted me.
I smiled before I could help myself. My throat was dry. My chest was tight. He’d gotten a haircut, and it looked fantastic. And those eyes—how could I have forgotten how blue they were? His hands, fuck I missed his hands. I missed everything.
By contrast, he did not look happy to see me. He washed the glasses with a stony look on his face, and then came over to me. “Derek.”
“Maxim.” I held out my hand, and he shook it across the bar. “Good to see you.”
He nodded shortly. “You too.”
“Got a minute to talk outside?” Fuck. What was I doing?
“Not really.”
“Oh. Well, how are things going?”
“Fine.”
“Like your new place?”
“Yeah.”
“And the job is still good?”
“Yeah.”
This was not going smoothly. If I could just get him alone… “What time are you off tonight? I thought maybe we could catch up a little. Want to come by the house?” I didn’t even care if anyone heard me.
“Sorry. I can’t.”
I frowned. It had taken a lot for me to come in here tonight, and to ask him to come over when any number of people around me could have heard. Why did he have to be so stubborn?
We stared at each other for a long, tense moment before he spoke. “I have to get back to work.”
“Okay. See you.” I gripped the beer bottle so hard I was surprised it didn’t shatter.
When Ellen brought my food a little later, I asked how he’d seemed the last couple weeks.
“Fine, just fine,” she said airily before walking away.
It pissed me off. How could he be fine? Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him smiling at someone at the end of the bar. Leaning way out of my seat to see who it was, I felt fire shoot through my veins when I saw it was another guy. Tall, dark hair, bearded, thin but muscular. Obviously attracted to Maxim, judging by the way he touched his arm and laughed at something he’d said.
I fumed, my nostrils flaring. It was one thing to watch women flirt with him, but it was another thing altogether when a man did it. I wanted to break that guy’s hand for touching Maxim.
I turned my attention back to my plate and ate, but I couldn’t have even told you what it was.
I’d never been so miserable. Had I fucked everything up? What if I’d made a mistake?
I needed to talk to someone, but who?
The next day was Saturday, and after a grueling workout at the gym, I came home, showered, and went out for breakfast. I hated eating alone in my kitchen now. Sitting by myself at a table for two, I ordered eggs, bacon, and potatoes, and tried not to feel sad about the empty chair across from me. Two women passed by my table on their way to the door, and one of them stopped.
“Hey, Derek.”
I looked up and saw Carolyn. “Oh, hi.”
“Here by yourself?”
“Yeah.” I must have looked pretty downhearted about it, because her brow wrinkled with concern.
“Want some company?”
I shrugged. “Sure.”
“Give me one second. I was just leaving, so let me say goodbye to my friend.” She patted my arm. “Be right back.”
A moment later, she returned and ordered a cup of coffee. “So catch me up with you. What’s going on?”
I studied her for a moment. She looked pretty, no makeup on, hair in a ponytail, relaxed and happy. I envied her. “Let’s talk about you first. What’s new?”
She chatted about her marathon training, her new niece, her job, and then she blushed, a girlish smile brightening her face. “And I met someone.”
“You did?” My food had arrived and I paused with my fork halfway to my eggs. “That’s great.”
“He is great,” she gushed. “He’s a runner too, and we met at the shoe store. He just moved down from San Francisco. We have such a good time together.”
“Wow.” I poked at my potatoes. “I’m really glad to hear that.”
“Thanks. I have a good feeling about him. But enough about me.” She waved a hand in the air. “What about you? How’s work? How’s life? You look a little down.”
I lifted my shoulders, terrified of opening my mouth.
“Derek, what is it?” She took a sip from her coffee, then set down the mug and touched my hand. “Look, I know things didn’t go the right way for us, but I’d like to be friends. And I’m a really good listener. If you—”
“You were right,” I blurted. “About me. And Maxim. You were right.”
Her mouth fell open. “I was?”
“Yes.”
She took it in, eventually nodding. “Okay. Well. That explains some things.”
I closed my eyes and exhaled, then felt her hand on my wrist. “Hey, I don’t mean that in a bad way. It’s more of a relief for me. I could not figure out what I was doing wrong.”