The aspiring writer wasn’t being as helpful as she thought. Mo could tell her friends wished she would just stop talking.
“What I’m trying to say is that this should only make us closer,” Mo said. “Everyone has secrets, and now that ours are all out on the table, it should only make our friendship stronger. So can we just go back to being friends again? Are we really going to let this put a dent in our friendships?”
“Not all of us are processing it as easily as you, Mo,” Topher said. “Let’s just leave it alone for a bit.”
Even though his eyes weren’t aimed at him, Sam knew his words were. Topher was taking the news even worse than he feared.
“So what are we going to do when we get to Santa Monica?” Mo asked. “Are we going to avoid each other and do our own thing?”
“I think that’s a good idea, actually,” Topher said. “It’ll give us some time to think. Besides, now that Wiz Kids is over, there’s really no point in continuing a friendship that’s not going to last.”
It was upsetting, but Topher had a point. Staying connected in the years to come would be considerably more difficult without the show. Instead of gradually losing touch over time, maybe it was better just to nip it in the bud.
At five o’clock on Saturday evening, the station wagon arrived in Santa Monica. They checked into the Sea Glass Inn, the cheapest hotel that was walking distance to the famous Santa Monica Pier. Topher read online that the Wiz Kids sets at Sunshine Studios had already been torn down to make room for NCIS: Boise, so there was no point in taking the studio tour—not that they would have even if the sets were still up. The Downers Grove troop spent their first two days in Southern California wandering through the Los Angeles area on their own. The only time they saw each other was at the hotel and it was only for a few minutes at night before bed and in the morning.
On July 4, their third and final day in California, they still hadn’t regrouped or reconciled. Sam spent the evening on the Santa Monica Pier watching the sun set over the Pacific Ocean. He thought he knew loneliness before, but now that he and his friends weren’t speaking, Sam was learning the true definition of solitude. He prayed the journey back to Downers Grove would mend the group, but others weren’t as patient.
“Hey.”
Sam turned around and saw Topher standing on the pier behind him. He figured Topher must have been there for a while because he hadn’t heard any footsteps.
“Hey,” he said.
It was an awkward moment between the two. There was so much to say, but no easy way of saying it, so they just stared at each other.
“Rough week, huh?” Topher said.
“That’s an understatement,” Sam said. “You did say it would be a summer to remember.”
“I did,” Topher said with a laugh. “So, what have you been up to? Have you seen anything cool?”
“I’ve mostly just stayed in the area,” Sam said. “I went to the promenade, the aquarium, saw a movie—nothing too exciting. How about you?”
“I’ve just been walking,” Topher said. “I walked to Venice, to the Pacific Palisades, to Brentwood, and to some place called Century City. I never planned to go anywhere, they’re just where I’ve wound up.”
“Topher, there probably isn’t anything I can say to make you feel better, but I never meant to hurt—”
“Sam, you have nothing to apologize for,” Topher said. “I just needed some time to myself—to think about things, you know?”
Sam nodded. “I get it,” he said. “Just like MIT, I’m the second thing that isn’t going to work out the way you hoped.”
“But why not?” Topher asked. “If we both want it, what’s stopping us?”
The comment made Sam’s head spin.
“You mean, this doesn’t complicate things for you?”
“Sure, it complicates things, but is any relationship not complicated?” Topher asked.
Sam was speechless. Of all the things he imagined the truth might bring, this was last on the list.
“Sorry, I just don’t know what to say,” he said. “I thought for sure you were avoiding me the last couple days because you were upset—”
“I wasn’t avoiding you because I was angry, I was avoiding you because I was confused. It was a surprise finding out you were trans, but an even bigger surprise when I realized I was okay with it. I’ve always been attracted to girls, but there’s only one person I can say I’ve loved in that way… and that’s you. The world isn’t black and white, and the people who think it is are the ones who always screw things up. I don’t want to be one of those people. I just want to be happy, and nothing makes me happier than you. So what do you say? Can we try being gray together?”
“But what if it doesn’t work out?” Sam asked.