“And you can tell them Johnny at the gas station says hello,” the old man said. “The police and I are like-minded folk, you see. So unless you want to be thrown in jail for a week, I would shut my goddamn mouth. I don’t know who the hell you think you are, boy, but no one gets to come into our town and tell us how to live.”
Cash glanced at the man’s newspaper on the counter. As fate would have it, he saw a picture of himself next to a headline that read Loose Cannon Cash Carter: Actor Loses Consciousness at Concert.
“Actually, you do know who I am,” the actor said, and pointed to the article. “I’m that loose cannon you were just reading about. They could have printed a better picture, but at least it’s a recent one.”
The old man looked back and forth between Cash and the newspaper, like it was some kind of magic trick.
“Since we’re better acquainted now, allow me to put my dick on the table, Johnny,” the actor said. “You might be friends with the local police, but I’m friends with the police of the world—they’re called fangirls, and I’ve got about thirty million of them watching my every move right now. So you’re going to apologize to my friend and then you’re going to give him the key to the bathroom. Because if you don’t, I’m going to tell the fangirls about the treatment we’ve received today and unleash them upon your establishment like a plague of locusts! They’ll harass you, humiliate you, and chase your wrinkled, old, racist ass into hiding for the rest of your miserable existence! Do I make myself clear?”
The old man gulped. He retrieved the bathroom key from underneath the counter and tossed it to Joey.
“I’m sorry,” he said while looking at the ground.
Cash and Joey headed for the door, but Cash paused in the doorway to look back at the old man.
“By the way, the gas is on the house,” he said with conviction. “Also, I’m taking this bag of Funyuns.”
The actor slammed the door behind them and immediately got out his cigarettes once they were outside.
“Cash, what were you thinking?” Joey asked. “That was so stupid of you! Don’t you watch the news? Do you have any idea what could have happened to us? What could have happened to me?”
The actor was much more rattled than Joey predicted. He must have known the danger he had put them in because his hands were trembling as he smoked.
“I know, I know,” he said. “I’m so sorry—I don’t know what got into me back there. We walked in and as soon as he said what he did something snapped inside me. It was like I lost control of myself—I just couldn’t let him get away with saying that shit to you. I never get a chance to stand up for myself, but I needed to stand up for someone, you know?”
It made more sense the longer Joey thought about it; he just wished Cash wouldn’t risk his safety to work out his issues.
“I get needing to be a hero—just don’t be a dumb ass about it,” Joey said. “It could have gotten really nasty back there. With that said, it was pretty cool seeing the look on that guy’s face when you told him off.”
“Yeah,” Cash agreed. “It felt good saying it, too. Let’s keep this between us, though. It might give Mo an aneurysm.”
Chapter Fifteen
THE DRIVER’S SEAT
By ten o’clock on Wednesday morning, the station wagon was refueled and reunited with highway 83. The car cruised southbound with its sights set on Amarillo, Texas—but whether or not they’d make it this time was anyone’s guess. With Topher back behind the wheel, the roadies were making good time and were expected to arrive at two o’clock that afternoon. Cash kept the group entertained with stories from behind the scenes at awards shows—not that they asked.
“So while the Golden Globe for Best Original Song was being announced, Tobey and I went to use the restroom,” Cash said. “And that’s when we saw him—Leonardo DiCaprio at a urinal! All the dudes in the men’s room couldn’t believe their eyes. It was like we had caught a demigod committing a mortal act.”
“Did you say anything to him?” Sam asked.
“No, Tobey and I were both paralyzed in his presence,” Cash said. “Then, when Leo was finished, everyone sort of lined the hall and bowed as he left—like he was royalty. I’ll never forget it as long as I live. I also remember he used the only eco-friendly toilet in the restroom, but I could be making that detail up.”
“Did he recognize you?” Joey asked.
“Of course not!” Cash said. “When you’re a television star walking among movie stars, it’s like being a freshman at a senior prom; you can’t expect anyone to recognize you. This one time, after the Katzenberg Night Before the Oscars party in 2013, I was standing outside and Helen Mirren mistook me for a valet.”
“What did you do?” Mo asked.