“Joey’s a professor,” Cash declared. “How’s the Mary Jane treating you, Mo?”
“I hate to say it, but I actually don’t feel any different than before,” she said. “I’m a little jealous it’s not working on me the way it is on—HOLY SHIT, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?”
Mo jerked her head toward a small noise in the distance.
“Relax, Mo,” Cash said softly, like he was talking to a toddler. “It was probably just a raccoon—”
“A RACCOON?” Mo shouted in terror. “HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO RELAX WHEN THERE ARE RACCOONS? HOW CAN ANYONE SLEEP AT NIGHT WHEN THOSE THINGS ARE CRAWLING AROUND THE WORLD? OH MY GOD, THEY HAVE DIGITS! WHY WOULD GOD MAKE AN ANIMAL YOU CAN HIGH-FIVE—WHY WOULD HE DO IT?”
“Mo, the pot’s making you paranoid. Don’t worry, it happens to a lot of people. Just remember, the raccoons are more afraid of you than you are of them, I promise.”
“The raccoons are afraid of Mo!” Sam giggled. “They read her fanfiction and now they’re scared!”
“Raaaaccoooooon,” Topher slowly sounded out. “Huh, strange word.”
“It makes you wonder why any of us are what we are, doesn’t it?” Joey said as if he was speaking directly to the stars. “I mean, what separates us from raccoons? Like, really though? We’re born, we fight, we eat, we mate, we raise our young, and we die just like them. So why aren’t we the raccoons? We don’t dig through the trash like they do, but we’re still scavengers.”
“I dig through the trash!” Sam squealed. “Does that make me a raccoon? I’d be such a cute raccoon!”
“CAN WE STOP SAYING THE WORD RACCOON?” Mo begged, and rubbed her body like one was crawling under her skin. “THEY’RE GOING TO THINK WE’RE CALLING THEM OVER HERE! IF THEY TEAM UP WITH THE POSSUMS, THEY’LL OUTNUMBER US!”
“Pooooossuuuuum,” Topher said slowly. “That’s a funny one, too.”
“You know, before there were rodents, there were just stars,” Joey said. “That’s how people got all their information originally. The night sky was the very first Bible. But what’s the difference between religion and mythology? What’s the difference between men and monkeys? Or moths and butterflies? Or frogs and toads? Or muffins and cupcakes? Why are there are so many questions in this world?”
Their reactions intensified as the night went on. They were the most eccentric group of stoners Cash had ever seen and he couldn’t take his eyes off them, like they were the subjects of a fascinating nature documentary.
“GUYS!” Mo shrieked. “CAPTAIN TYDES JUST MOVED! I SAW IT! I THINK HE’S COMING TO LIFE!”
“No—he’s just a little toasty!” Sam laughed. “Get it? Because he’s on fire!”
“OH GOD, WE KILLED CAPTAIN TYDES! WE’RE MURDERERS! WE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO PLAY NEVER HAVE I EVER AGAIN BECAUSE WE’VE DONE IT ALL! WE’VE BROKEN ALL THE LAWS AND DONE ALL THE CRIMES! OH GOD, I JUST WANT MY NORMAL LIFE BACK!”
Cash had had his fill for one night. The actor got to his feet and stretched his whole body.
“Well, my damage here is done,” he said. “I’m going to go sleep in the car.”
“You aren’t going to get high with us?” Topher asked.
“No way,” Cash said. “That shit’s clearly been laced with something. You can’t trust the stuff you buy off the street anymore—there’s a lesson you won’t learn in college.”
The actor yawned and headed for the gate. The others tried to join him, but none of them could remember how to stand.
“Don’t stay up too much longer,” Cash called behind him. “The coyotes come out at midnight!”
“COYOTES?” Mo screamed.
“Good night!”
Chapter Fourteen
RADIO HOSTS AND RACISTS
As Topher awoke on Wednesday morning, the first thing he noticed was a warm sensation on his face. The second thing he felt was a very solid and rough surface under his body. As he opened his eyes, Topher saw the sun blazing in a corner of the sky and found himself lying on the ground in the middle of Captain’s Cove. He quickly sat up and discovered Joey, Sam, and Mo passed out on the ground nearby.
“What the hell?” he asked.
Topher looked around the abandoned theme park and saw a family of possums staring at him with judgment beaming from their beady little eyes. He recalled the bad decisions from the night before, he and his friends were suddenly splashed with water.
“Good morning, Guns N’ Roses,” Cash said as he poured water on their faces to wake them up. “Rise and shine!”
Joey, Sam, and Mo jolted to life and looked at their surroundings in disbelief. Their memory of the previous night was hazy like a bad dream.
“We slept outside last night?” Sam asked.
“How could you leave us out here, Cash?” Mo asked angrily. “A rodent probably had its way with me while I was asleep!”
“I’d say that’s a little presumptuous given all the choices,” Cash said. “Also, you were so rowdy last night I doubt an animal would approach you. How do you guys feel?”