No, I wasn’t ready to tell her the truth. Not yet. Still, my mind raced with ideas throughout the rest of the day. I dreamed about getting home and slipping away into my study for the evening, but I knew that wouldn’t happen. By the time the kids were ready to leave, it was already getting dark.
We were all walking slower as we left the zoo. When we climbed into the car, I wasn’t surprised to see Tommy and Sarah both fall asleep almost instantly. They each laid their head on Emily’s shoulders and drifted off easily. I smiled at the sight in my rearview mirror and drove us toward home.
Traffic stopped us a few times, and Philip decided to make conversation by telling Emily all my embarrassing stories.
“That didn’t happen,” I said firmly after he relayed one of the worst.
“It didn’t?” Emily asked with a laugh.
“Oh, it happened,” Philip said. “He rubbed nacho cheese all over himself as a disguise and then ran screaming through the quad. I’ve never seen so many cops afraid to arrest someone in my life. It was like they didn’t want to touch him.”
Emily was laughing uncontrollably in the backseat. Tommy and Sarah stayed passed out, their exhaustion too much to fight, but I was surprised Philip’s guffaws and Emily’s giggles didn’t coax them awake.
“I wasn’t as bad as this guy,” I said, pointing to Philip. “He once streaked past the Dean’s window and then ran along sorority row in a nothing but a banana hammock.”
“I don’t think that’s worse than nacho cheese,” Emily said, still laughing.
“Ha,” Philip said. “I told you. Yours is way worse.”
“It is,” Emily agreed. “But also, a better story.”
“Hey,” Philip said. “I take offense to that.”
“Ha,” I said, mimicking his earlier insult. “I have better stories.”
“I think the best stories probably involved the shit we did together,” Philip said with a laugh. “Like that night in Nancy’s hot tub or the time we flew to Prague for one night just to meet up with that girl who never fucking showed.”
“What?” Emily asked. “You flew to Prague?!”
“There was this exchange student we were both into,” Philip said. “She never wanted to choose between us so instead, she promised to meet us in Prague on New Year’s Eve.”
“She said she would finally tell us her choice,” I said. “But she never showed. We waited for hours, and eventually, we had to catch our flight back home.”
“Did we ever see her again?” Philip asked.
“No.” I shook my head. “She just bailed on us forever. And now, we’ll never know who she would have chosen.”
“Yup,” Philip said. “We’ll never have our answer.”
“She gave you her answer,” Emily said wisely.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well, she didn’t show up,” Emily said. “It’s obvious, isn’t it? She didn’t pick either of you. That was her choice.”
Philip and I looked at each other in shock. Neither of us had ever thought of such a simple answer to our decade-long dilemma. As we looked at each other, we both burst out laughing. Emily joined us, and we spent the rest of the car ride telling her more stories.
I realized, while we drove, that I already had a million things to write about. All the stories I thought of at the zoo were nothing compared to the things I could pull from my own life. It wasn’t just my shenanigans with Philips. It was everything. My life with Telissa. My kids. Everything.
As we neared home, I fell silent again. Philip continued talking a mile a minute, trying to embarrass me further with Emily, but she was barely paying attention.
She was watching me through the rearview mirror, searching my face and silently asking me to talk to her. I didn’t. I wouldn’t. Not yet.
My writing was still something that was so personal to me, so precious, that I couldn’t risk sharing it with someone else. Instead, I forced myself to listen to Philip’s stories and add my own memories to the mix. By the time we pulled into the driveway, I was certain Emily knew every embarrassing, humiliating, uncool thing about me.
When we climbed out of the car, she picked up Sarah, and I carried Tommy through the front door, hoping Emily would still want me after all the stories Philip shared.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN - EMILY
Sarah rested her little nose against my jaw as I carried her slowly up the stairs. Her arms were wrapped tightly around my neck, and I held her close, smiling at how small and fragile she felt in my arms.
When I laid her down in her bed, she snuggled under her blankets and rolled over to face the window, her eyes still closed and her mind blissfully free of all worries. I smiled as I tucked her in, enjoying the small moment of innocence with her.
“Hey, you,” Sean said from the doorway.
I spun around and smiled, happy to see his eyes were clear now. He’d seemed so preoccupied in the car and at the zoo. Something was on his mind, but I didn’t want to pry. Now, his smile was genuine, and his blue eyes were full of nothing but exhaustion and happiness.
“Did Tommy stay down?” I asked as I walked over to him.
“Yeah.” Sean nodded. “They’re both wiped out. It was a long day for them.”
“I think they had fun,” I said, turning to smile at Sarah as she slept. “They seemed to, anyway.”
“They loved it,” Sean said, reassuring me. “You had an amazing idea.”
We moved into the hallway but didn’t yet go downstairs. We could hear Philip moving around in the kitchen. I didn’t know what Sean was thinking, but I wanted to be alone with him, even for just a second.
He wrapped me in his arms and pulled me against his chest. I sighed and sunk into him, holding him just as tightly. I remembered the look on his face as he walked through the zoo earlier. He smiled when the kids asked him a question or when I pointed something out to him, but other than that, he stayed quiet, locked up in his own head. His mind was obviously somewhere else, but when I asked what was wrong, he just said “nothing” and walked away.
Part of me wanted to ask him about it, but I knew I shouldn’t. Sean was a private person, and he was only just starting to open himself to me. If I pushed too hard, he would pull away, and it would ruin all the progress we’d made so far.
Plus, it might have been a huge turn off for him. After I spent all day lusting after him, eager to relive our sexual encounter from last night, I didn’t want to do or say anything that might stand in the way of that.
Sean kissed the top of my head and breathed in my scent. I loved when he did that. It not only made me feel safe, but it stirred my smoldering desire into hungry flames. My stomach tightened, and I felt heat grow between my legs. I groaned and wiggled against him, wishing there weren’t any clothes to separate us from each other.
“I like it when you’re like this,” I said, leaning back to look in his eyes.
“Like what?” he asked with a frown.
“Happy,” I said simply. “Not brooding and moody.”
“I’m brooding and moody?” he asked, laughing softly.
“Sometimes,” I said. “I much prefer you this way, though.”
I stood on my tiptoes to kiss his lips. He kissed me back and tightened his arms around my body. The heat between my legs grew hotter, and I moaned against him, knowing I wouldn’t be able to control myself much longer.
“You know what cures my moodiness, don’t you?” he asked suggestively.
“What’s that?” I whispered.
He raised his eyebrows and grinned playfully. He dropped his arms from around me and took my hand, pulling me toward the stairs. I laughed lightly and stopped him before we reached the steps.
“Philip is still awake,” I said. “He’ll see us go past.”
“So?” Sean asked with a shrug. “He’ll get over it.”
I laughed again and let Sean lead me down the stairs and across the living room. I glanced at Philip as we passed, but he was walking onto the back patio with a beer in his hand, oblivious that we were anywhere around. With a grin, I skipped and pushed Sean faster, hurrying him toward his bedroom.
“Someone’s eager,” he said.