So real.
I’d kissed both of those guys.
Both of them.
I’d tried to get Alec to use drugs when he was at his weakest.
And when I’d filmed a reality show with them, I had nearly died of an overdose. So. Much. Fun.
Where was arsenic when I needed it? Maybe the waiter could dump a few tablespoons in my Diet Coke?
Alec was the reason I got help.
He and Demetri even paid for my stint in rehab.
I never thanked them.
They said my thanking them was actually going.
So I did.
Because by then I was a shell of a human.
And they knew that better than anyone since they’d once walked that road a lot harder than I could ever possibly know.
“So…” Zane finally turned to us. “I heard you killed that scene today, Jay wants us to write a song for it and use it for the trailer.”
I gaped. “Um, are we sure Jay isn’t intoxicated.”
Our food finally arrived. I dug in like I hadn’t eaten in days, maybe it was the fact that the freezing water had stripped all the calories from my body, either way, a hamburger and fries had never tasted so good.
I groaned and bit into my burger.
Will muttered a graphic curse.
Suddenly aware that I had closed my eyes, I forced them open and saw Zane grinning like a fool at Demetri while they gave funny looks to Will.
“Something wrong William?” Zane crossed his toned arms.
“He must be hungry.” Demetri answered for him, “I mean, how long has it been man… since you’ve… eaten.”
Alec choked on his water next to me.
I gave Demetri the evil eye.
He didn’t notice.
He was too busy goading Will while Will stared into his beer.
“You know…” Zane leaned in, “Now that I’ve… eaten…” He licked his lips. “And eaten…” He received a smack from Will when he said eaten one more time. “I can’t imagine what it would be like to be without food… you know… for a long period of time… I bet just about anything would set me off, don’t you agree Dem?”
“Hell yeah, I mean, one time, back in the day I was on a type of… diet before my wedding, and let me tell you, it nearly sucked,” he emphasized sucked, “the life out of me… can’t imagine, man, can’t imagine.” He pulled a fry from my plate and chomped down. “Right, Will?”
Will wiped his face with his hand then threw his napkin onto the table, stood, and walked off. “I’m going to the bathroom.”
“They got food in there?” Zane burst out laughing.
I felt my face heat even though it’s not like I was innocent in any way, I just got their reference and hated how irrationally angry I got thinking about Will with anyone but me.
The first time I’d read about it online I’d slammed my phone against the wall.
I went through a lot of phones that year.
And then I went numb again.
“What about you Ang?” Zane leaned in. “Oh, and eating’s code word for sex just in case you’re really slow like Alec over here.”
Alec glowered.
“This isn’t proper dinner talk,” I mumbled.
“Holy shit did you just say proper?” Demetri observed with an amused smirk, “Say it again.”
Alec threw a napkin at Demetri’s head.
Zane leaned in and rubbed his hands together. “Come on sister, give us the goods, we’re all old and married.”
“The hell you are!” Demetri laughed, “You’re engaged, and I’m still waiting for her to dump you on your ass! You aren’t even house trained People wear pants, that’s all I’m saying.”
“I’ll be sure to remind myself that next time I get all the sex because of lack of pants, I mean come on, easy access man, why have them on, at all?”
By Demetri’s sudden silence, I could only assume he was suddenly wondering if Zane wasn’t a genius.
I dug back into my food and stilled mid-chew when Demetri elbowed me and asked again, “So?”
I rolled my eyes. And held up two fingers.
“Days?” Zane.
I shook my head.
“Months?” Alec.
Maybe I’d choke on my burger and die? Yeah that sounded nice.
Another shake of the head.
Demetri’s voice was hopeful. “Dog years?”
I dropped my burger onto my plate and scooted my chair out, “I think, I may just, use the bathroom too.”
“Cool,” Zane nodded, “If you run into Will maybe give him some of your food.”
“I don’t think I need any more brothers!” I yelled over my shoulder.
“Too late!” Zane yelled back.
I smiled all the way to the bathroom, rounded the corner, and ran directly into Will’s muscled chest.
My mouth was still half filled with hamburger.
And I had visions of sharing my hamburger.
But not the one I was chewing.
How were the guys suddenly the bad influence while I was left blushing and gaping, mouth half open, at the only person who had the power to continually hurt me in a merciless cycle of pain?
I jerked away.
His stare always did me in — he knew it, I knew it, America knew it. Maybe it was the way his eyes searched yours like he was prying tiny bits of information from your soul; or in my case, prying bits away so he could use them against me later. He really did have the best eyes, they made you think you mattered, his eyes. They made girls believe that every single time he opened that mouth of his, that his words, his pretty poetic words were just for them.
At one time, I believed they’d been for me.
It was a short-lived fantasy.
There’s a reason that they called his smile the Sutherland Sunset, it made you feel warm, protected, sexy.
But he wasn’t smiling now.
No he just looked — like he always did. Contemplative, angry, reserved, and too damn sexy for his own good, and mine if I was being truly honest.
“I was just going to use the bathroom.” I blurted then tried to sidestep him, his hand pressed against the wall, his arm blocked me. “Something wrong?”
“No.” He bit down on his lip, his lazy sexy eyes focused on my mouth. My feet rooted to the floor even though I wanted to bolt. “It’s just, you have… ketchup.” He rubbed his thumb across my lower lip. “There, all better.”
But it wasn’t.
Nor would it ever be… better.
My brain took action forcing my limbs to move as I ducked under his arm and shoved the bathroom door open, locking it behind me.
I was shaking by the time I made my way to the sink, gripping the porcelain with both of my hands, staring at myself in the mirror like I was a stranger.
I looked… young.
No makeup meant I looked like I was eighteen instead of in my twenties.
It also meant I looked… innocent.
And for the first time in a long time, that word made my lips curl into a small smile as I released the sink and splashed my face with water.
I had to wonder — with all the pestering about food, what would shock Will more? The fact that I’d been celibate since rehab? Or the fact that the last guy I ever slept with that meant anything to me.
Was him.
I could always take it a step further and toss one of his band shirts at him, the one I still hid inside my pillow.
Yeah give him a heart attack at thirty.
Good plan.
I shut off the water.
Forced my shoulders back.
And returned to the chaos.