I wanted to blame everyone but myself.
But maybe my first mistake was thinking that after all these years the hate would last for the next few months I had to see her.
And already, already it was getting chipped away from the fact that the girl who I’d just seen give the performance of her life hadn’t disappeared and was still in that trailer with me — like the girl was still real.
I would regret this later.
I knew it.
But I’d just add it to the list of regrets named Angelica Greene.
I jerked the towel from her body and wrapped my arms around her. I closed my eyes and let my body heat soak into hers.
After a few minutes, her chills lessened.
And when she finally sighed against me, I released her and wrapped a fresh towel around her. “Let’s go.”
I could have sworn I heard her say, “Thank you.”
But I was afraid of the way her eyes would meet mine when she said the words, afraid of my reaction, afraid that the hate wasn’t strong enough to withstand one more of her raw looks.
So I kept walking with her close on my heels.
THE RESTAURANT WAS closed off to everyone but the cast and crew, I was thankful for the break — and the food.
Zane: Hey man, you got your own trailer too? Sweet, I bet it’s kick ass, hey side note, does it have mallows? Cuz I can provide the goods. Should we have a trailer party?
I glanced down at Will’s phone and smiled, a girl could get used to Zane’s quirky sense of humor. In a lot of ways he reminded me of Demetri.
It had been a hellish day on set.
And to thank Will for not suing him, or beating the shit out of him when he strongly suggested Will act in the movie, Jay was taking everyone out to dinner.
I wasn’t holding out hope that someone wouldn’t leave with a black eye or missing tooth, that’s just how it was between everyone.
Nat was there with Ella. Alec was in the corner cooing in her face like, like a dad. It was the most surreal thing I’d ever seen, rock star Alec Daniels, holding a baby girl’s hand and ignoring the rest of the world as if it didn’t exist.
“Freaky, right?” Demetri plopped down in an empty seat next to me. Will had been sitting across from me but was in deep discussion with Zane about another world tour.
“Is he always like that now?” I nodded to Alec.
“You mean the best dad in the world who just so happens to have a tattoo of his baby girl’s footprints on his lower back like a freaking tramp stamp?” He winked, “Yeah, he is. It’s changed him, softened him though he’s still scary as hell sometimes.”
“Noooo, Alec? Scary?” I elbowed Demetri.
“I never hated you,” he blurted. “I just want you to know that. I think I hated what I saw in you, I just…” He shrugged and then winked over at Alyssa who was grabbing a glass of wine and handing it to Nat. “I just think that I hated the weakness I saw when I looked at you, I saw you still struggling with the drugs, the fame, and it reminded me of my own shit.”
I shook my head. “Demetri, you don’t owe me anything, I basically tried destroying your lives…” Tears filled my eyes. Why the hell was I so emotional lately? “Take a look at that.” I smiled at Alec, a real smile, one that I felt from my head to my toes. “What type of person tries to destroy that?”
“A lost one,” Zane chimed in.
I hadn’t realized that everyone, Will included, had stopped talking and was listening in on my convo with Demetri. I tucked my hair behind my ear and said nothing, because honestly I didn’t know what to say.
You’re right?
Shut the hell up?
The old Angelica would have yelled at him and stomped off to pout in the corner until some hot guy came up and offered his services. It was a way to gain attention, to get rid of the pain of rejection, the embarrassment. But that’s the thing about addictions. They can be anything that numbs you to reality.
And I’d drowned in them because I’d hated mine. Hated it.
“Eavesdropper,” Demetri accused while Zane shrugged unapologetically and turned back to Will, tour dates were mentioned, and apparently my confession was forgotten, especially when Fallon walked up behind him, kissed him down the neck, then left, he slapped her on the ass on her exit. A part of my chest cracked, but only a little bit, and I hated that it even did that, that it was capable of that after all of this time. Hurt.
“Have you held her yet?” Demetri asked.
“Who? What?” I shook my head. “What did I miss?”
“You were staring at Ella. Have you held her yet?”
My face flushed, “No, no, that’s not, I mean.” Embarrassment washed over me. Tears stung the back of my eyes. Because what parent would want me to touch their innocent child with my black sinned hands?
What rational person would even want me in the same room?
I hung my head.
Ending the discussion while I started toying with the cheap paper white napkin in my hand.
And suddenly someone sat on my left.
I knew who it was without looking.
Because a person can’t really exist in the same atmosphere as Alec Daniels and not become insanely aware of his large menacing godlike presence.
“I don’t hate you either.” His deep voice rumbled.
Oh great, and then there were two confessions.
“Is this church?” Zane piped up, then looked behind him, and back at us. “Because I gotta admit guys, I’m not actually Catholic.”
Alec glared at him.
He held up his hands, then rummaged around for a marshmallow and kept talking to Will, it was like he was capable of having multiple conversations at once without getting lost. Amazing, really.
“Thanks.” I didn’t know what else to say.
Before I could say anything else, Ella giggled and then peered over her dad’s shoulder at me, reaching out here chubby hand. I had no choice but to grab it.
I clung to the hand as tears filled my eyes.
Memories surfaced.
And without warning, she reached for me completely.
I didn’t have any business holding her.
But I had even less business rejecting her offer of innocence, no matter what it did to that crack in my heart well on its way to turning into the Grand Canyon.
“Hi.” I kissed her pudgy hand.
She giggled again.
So I kissed her other hand and nuzzled her neck. “She smells like you.”
I meant it as a compliment.
Across from me, Will stiffened.
Shit. I was always ruining things, wasn’t I?
But Alec just smiled while Demetri patted my shoulder and said, “Yeah because he hogs his own child and gets his scent all over her.”
“I’ll have you know my scent earned us two million last year,” Alec fired back, “What did your little cologne do, Dem? Hmm?”
“It was the wrong mixture.” He grumbled. “Damn chemists.”
Zane laughed even though he didn’t turn toward us.
Ella cupped my face with her hands and then reached back toward her dad like she was done with playtime.
He grabbed her then handed her to Nat.
She took her little girl and started bouncing her up and down. Alec didn’t join his family. Instead, he sat down by Demetri and me and leaned forward.
Oh, the awkwardness was real.