Joshua glances at me. “We are doing fine, so that won’t be needed.”
Nicholas nods. “I know you are fine, and I know you are doing well, but as a friend who cares for you both, I feel I can’t leave until I have hashed out a few things with you both.”
“Nicholas,” I sigh.
“Natasha, half an hour. That’s all.”
“It’s not necessary,” Joshua repeats.
An idea hits me. “Ok, half an hour, but I want to talk to you first.”
He frowns. “About what?”
“About Adrian.”
He rubs his forehead in frustration and drops into the high wing-back chair opposite.
“There is nothing to say about Adrian. He knows how I feel and he understands.”
“How do you feel?” I ask.
He hesitates and glances at Joshua. Shit, I probably should do this privately.
“Joshua, can you leave us alone for ten minutes, please?” I ask.
Joshua frowns, clearly annoyed.
Nicholas holds up his hand. “No, he can stay, I have spoken to Joshua more than anyone about this, anyway.”
“Where?” I frown.
“Prison,” Joshua admits under his breath.
My face drops. “Oh.” This is news. I turn my attention back to Nicholas.
He shakes his head as if making an internal decision to talk. “I don’t know what’s going on with me. I’m…” He hesitates. “I don’t understand it myself. It’s hard to explain.”
I watch him for a moment. “Can I try and explain it for you and see if I’m close?”
His eyes roll and he holds out his hand, palm up, in defeat. “Be my guest.”
“You are in love with Adrian.” His eyes drop and he nods once. “And he’s everything you could want in a partner.”
He nods again.
“But, when you are with him, you feel as though Olivier is sitting in the corner watching the two of you together, listening to what you say to him, witnessing the love you make.”
He continues to look at the floor to evade my gaze.
“And, likewise with Olivier, at night when you are alone, your thoughts used to be of him before you would go to sleep. Now Adrian’s there, isn’t he? You feel that, at times, when you want to think about Olivier and the love you shared, you find yourself missing Adrian and you want him with you so you can hold him close.”
Joshua becomes uncomfortable and sits back, rubbing his hand through his hair.
“So, effectively, you are in love with two men and you feel like you are cheating on them both. Each moment with one makes you think of the other.”
His haunted eyes meet mine.
“When you’re with Adrian, you know Olivier is watching and when your mind is on Olivier… you’re missing Adrian.”
“I can’t take it anymore,” He whispers as he drops his head.
“So you are going to be alone?” I ask flatly.
“Adrian deserves better. How could I tell him I feel guilty for loving him? It’s not fair.”
“You deserve better, too, Nicholas. Why can’t you love them both?”
“Because what happens when I…” He stops, looking up at me.
“When you die?” I ask, surprised. He drops his head again. “You are worried that when you die you will have to make a choice between your two loves, is that it?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t know what I think anymore.”
I haven’t got an answer for that. Nobody knows what happens when we die. I need to change my tactic. “Ok, let me ask you this. What if Olivier hand picked Adrian and sent him to you.” He doesn’t look at me. “What if all he wants is for you to be happy with someone who loves you just as much as he did.”
He stands and goes to look out the window.
“You have to forgive yourself, Nicholas, and be prepared to have two men with you at all times. You have to learn to deal with it because you and I both know neither of them is going anywhere.”
He stays silent, thinking.
“You are not forgetting Olivier by loving Adrian. You are not betraying Adrian by thinking of Olivier. The only person you are hurting is yourself.”
He turns and smiles despite his glazed eyes. “You should maybe think of a career in Psychology.”
I grin. “Nah, I got enough of my own shit going on.”
My eyes find Joshua who is smiling proudly.
Nicholas seemingly pulls himself together. “Lets talk about you two.”
I smile at Joshua and take his hand. Weirdly, talking about someone else’s problem has made me feel better.
“How are things physically between you?”
Joshua raises his eyebrows in horror and glances at me.
“I’m here as a doctor, not a weird friend.” He smirks.
“Excellent.” I smirk.
Joshua raises a single eyebrow in jest. “Excellent?” He mouths proud of himself.
“That’s great.” Nicholas smiles.
“Sexual malfunction is common in PSTD.”
Joshua frowns. “PSTD?” he asks.
“Post traumatic stress disorder.”
“Nope, we don’t have that,” Joshua tells him, relieved. “We definitely don’t have that.”
My stomach sinks a little, I might have.
“And the communication between you two?” Nicholas asks.