“There were drag marks in your blood, at the side of the boat.”
She closes her eyes in pain. “Holy fuck. This is horrific, no wonder you aren’t sleeping.”
I remain still, numb as the horror seeps through my body.
“What did you do?” she asks softly.
“I started to yell for you. I-I couldn’t find you.”
Her tears start to fall like a burst dam.
“Ben came.”
She frowns. “Where was Ben?”
“He heard me screaming.”
She closes her eyes again.
“We were diving under the water.”
“Josh,” she whispers. “It’s ok. I’m here, baby, I’m here.” She pulls me closer.
I shake my head. “But I couldn’t find you.” My voice is strained.
“Joshua.”
“I couldn’t remember, Natasha. I still can’t remember. I can’t stand the thought that I don’t remember something so significant.”
“It’s ok, Joshua, you were drugged.”
“No, it’s not ok. I should have protected you. I-I should have been able to protect you.” I stammer as my stress hits a new level.
She kisses my chest. “I’m alive. Everything is ok.”
We lie still for an extended time, both lost in our own thoughts.
“Tell me about prison.” She kisses my chest.
“It’s cold,” I reply flatly.
“What do you mean?”
“I would shiver at night because I was so cold.”
“Nicholas said you wanted to end your life when you were in there. Is that true?”
I’m still, deathly still as I relive the grief all over again. The lump in my throat hurts to swallow.
“It was a very dark time for me, Tash. I can’t explain how low I was.”
“Do you still have dark thoughts?
“No,” I reply without hesitation.
“I’m here, baby. I will never let you go.”
We cling onto each other so tightly, trying desperately to chase our demons away, and I know I need to escape this heavy feeling that hangs over me. I need to learn how to forget.
Natasha
“It’s 4:00 p.m. and the day has been long. I’m exhausted and we have hardly slept. Joshua and I talked for hours last night. He’s been to Hell and back. All the honesty eventually broke me down and I cried for hours.
I killed a woman.
I killed a woman I knew and I now realise that I have no idea how to deal with it. I feel like I should feel guilty, but I’m just relieved that I escaped. Joshua was furious when I finally opened up about Carl hitting me. He said he wished I had killed the monster. The sick thing is… I kind of wish I had, too. What kind of person have I turned into?
“Where do you want to live, Tash? We need to discuss this,” Joshua asks me.
I frown into the spaghetti on toast I am eating and I drag my hand down over my face in frustration. “I don’t know.”
“Do you want to go back to L.A.?”
“Yes.” I frown. “I told you I want to be close to Adrian, Cam and Didge. Did I tell you that Abbie is going home to Australia?”
“Ben told me.”
My eyes hold his. “Do you think that’s a good idea?” I ask.
He shrugs.
“What does that mean?”
“It means I don’t know,” he answers curtly.
I smirk. My man is tired and cranky like a child. Some things never change.
“I think maybe you’re right and we should get an apartment for a while.”
His eyes hold mine. “You don’t want to go home to our house?” he asks.
“No.” I stand and take my plate back to the sink. “I don’t think I ever will.”
He watches me but remains silent.
“People were in our house, Joshua, and we were filmed in our bed. There is no bigger invasion of privacy than that.”
He stays quiet as he thinks. We’ve never discussed this before, and even though I know he knows, he has never once asked about what was on the footage from our house.
“What did you see?” He replies.
That angry burn starts to scorch through my veins. “I watched us have sex in every damn position possible.”
He stays watching me.
“How many people do you think have watched the tapes?” I snap.
He purses his lips.
‘The police, Amelie, her helpers.” I raise an eyebrow.
His eyes drop.
“Anal.”
His eyes flick back up to mine.
“Yes, Josh. We were filmed having anal sex. We were filmed in every derogatory position you can imagine and it’s forever burned into my brain.”
“For fucks sake.” He growls as he runs his hands though his hair angrily.
“Can we stay at the hotel we stayed at when we got broken into for a little while when we get back?” I ask.
“Yes, of course,” he mutters, lost deep in thought.
Thunder claps loudly and my eyes drift to look out of the window. It’s getting dark and cloudy outside. My mind goes back to me walking in the forest after I escaped during the time before the impending storm. I was so desperate to find shelter before the rain started. The dark forest was so unwelcoming and I kept staring up at the sky, willing it to hold off. A cold chill runs down my spine as the memory becomes too real, too raw.