My thoughts go to last night when Joshua and I took Didge home after she fought with Ben. She was upset and crying, and it had been Joshua who took over the situation. He sat her up on the kitchen bench and made her tea. Mum heard us, got out of bed and came out to investigate and then he, Bridget and Mum sat on the kitchen bench while they drank tea and talked about anything except what had just happened. I stood silently in the corner as I watched their deflection. I felt as if I was hovering in the sky, witnessing them in the scene as they consoled each other over my death.
I close my eyes in pain, I hate what has happened to my family. I hate that they are so accustomed to deflecting pain that they do it without thinking. I get up to go to the bathroom and my thoughts cross to my precious sister, Didge. Her heart is broken, Ben doesn’t want her, and yet I can’t help but feel that somewhere deep down, he so desperately does. Why would he push such a beautiful soul away when I know that he loves her?
I look in the mirror at the scarecrow staring back at me and run my fingers through my lion mane of hair. I look terrible but I smirk anyway.
“Where are you, Presh?” Joshua calls out in half a panic.
“I’m here, baby,” I answer from the bathroom.
“Oh, ok.” He sighs as if relieved.
I walk out and fall into his open arms. He kisses my neck as he snuggles into me.
“Good morning, baby,” I whisper into is hair.
“Morning, beautiful.” He sighs contentedly. We lie still and he dozes back to sleep, but my thoughts keep wandering.
“Knock, knock.” Bridget taps on the door, still in her pyjamas.
I smile when I see her. “Come in, Didge.” I pat the bed next to me and she lays down beside me on top of the blankets.
“You ok?” I whisper.
“Yeah.” She smiles sadly. “I think your drama queenism is rubbing off on me.”
“I seriously doubt it. Nobody does it better than me.”
“Tash?”
“Yes.”
“I think I want to go home with Mum to Australia.” She sighs My heart sinks. I knew this was coming.
“Its ok, baby. You do what you need to do.”
“I just don’t think it’s going to work with me and Ben.”
I don’t answer. I don’t know what to say.
“I don’t want to be around him. It just hurts.” She sighs
“Why don’t you stay with Adrian for a while? I know he would love to have you and then you won’t see Ben. What are you going to do at home? What about the police?” I ask.
“I don’t know.” She sighs, defeated.
“I just…” I hesitate. “I hate the thought of being alone over there.”
Her eyes hold mine. “Will you be ok?”
I smile.
“If I don’t come back with you will you be ok in L.A. on your own?”
“Yes, I’m fine.”
Her eyes hold mine and I can practically hear her brain ticking over.
I frown. “What?”
“Why are you so fine?”
I roll onto my back to escape her glare.
She sits up on her elbow to look at me. “Tash?”
“Stop it, Didge.”
“I’m serious, Tash. You normally freak out if Joshua doesn’t call you. How can you…” She stops herself as she tries to get the wording right in her head. “How can you go through what you have been through and be fine?”
I sit and jump over Joshua in a rush, and he wakes. “If you came in here to annoy me, you are doing a good job,” I stammer as I stand naked at the end of the bed in an outrage.
She lies calmly on her back and watches me.
“I’m serious, Natasha.”
“Stop it.” I stammer
“Why are you reacting like this? Why are you so angry? I just asked a question.”
“Like what?” I yell.
“Not now, Bridget.” Joshua snaps. “Don’t upset her.”
“I’m not trying to upset her. I want to hear about what she went through, I want to know how she escaped. I want to talk to my sister about her hurt.”
“Get out.” I cry.
Joshua sits up but can’t get out of bed because he is naked underneath his sheet.
“Bridget!” he snaps.
“Joshua, stop it. She’s acting weird. Why isn’t she telling us anything and over analysing everything?”
My eyes fill with tears as I hear my heart beat in my ears. The tightening in my chest returns.
I storm into the bathroom and slam the door shut.
“Good fucking morning, Bridget,” Joshua sneers. “We were having a nice lie in.”
“Shut up,” she hits back.
“Could you not let her wake up before you started that shit.”
“Start my shit. Are you kidding? You are as bad as her. You nearly fucking killed yourself a week ago. You’d be dead if Nicholas hadn’t put you into protective custody.”
“Get out!” he barks.
I slam my hands over my ears and start to rock. Oh no. No. I close my eyes as panic starts to run through my bloodstream. Joshua nearly killed himself? Oh my god, I can’t deal with this. I start to pace in the bathroom and shake my hands in a panic. Calm down, calm down, just calm fucking down. I turn the shower on as hot as I can stand it, get in and slump to the floor as I try to slow my breathing. After roughly ten minutes, Joshua walks in and squats down next to the shower.
His worried eyes watch me and he puts his hand onto my knee. “You ok, Presh?” he asks gently.
I nod but don’t answer.
“Are you going to stay in here for a while?”
I nod and put my hand over his on my knee.
“Do you want me to get you anything?”
I shake my head and he stays, just watching me.
“You’re scaring me,” he whispers.