I backed a little farther away, knowing I shouldn’t be privy to something so private, but unable to get far enough away that I couldn’t hear them before I backed into a corner.
Lyrik shook his head. “You can’t just bail like that, man. Give it some time. You have a few weeks to process. Figure out how to make all this work. You just went through the most intense moment you’ll ever experience. Let it settle.”
“A few weeks?” Ash’s voice was incredulous. “I didn’t bring a kid into this world so I could have a few weeks with him before I left him behind.”
Something dark flashed through Lyrik’s face. “And you think I was ever wantin’ to go and leave Tamar and my kids behind? Not ever. Not once. But I did it because I had an obligation to the band. An obligation to you.”
Austin paced in a circle, agitated, his words suddenly flooding out. “I’ve got Ash’s back on this. We’ve got newborns. Newborns, man. Being on the road isn’t the way to raise a family.”
Lyrik’s laughter came across as scorn. “So, it was all fucking fine when I had to hit the road and leave Tamar and Adia? She was two months old. It nearly fucking destroyed me.”
“Then you get exactly why I can’t do this,” Ash shot out.
I didn’t want to see it, but I was watching wide-eyed when I saw the outright pain split Zee’s expression.
Baz set a hand on Lyrik and Ash’s shoulders. As if he were keeping them apart in the middle of a boxing match.
“How about we drop this right now, yeah? Think it’d do us well not to go causing a scene in the middle of the hospital on the day Ash’s kid is born. Let’s meet next week and we’ll talk it out. Figure what’s best. For everyone.”
Lyrik rubbed his face with both hands, dropped them just as fast. “Fuck…I’m sorry, Ash. Just hit me wrong, that’s all.”
Ash shook his head. “You think I want to do this? Hurt any of you? I just—”
He looked back to the room, as if he were tied in some elemental way. A band stretched between him and what waited for him behind the door.
Tugging and tugging and tugging.
No doubt that kind of draw left a man with zero resistance.
Baz gestured that direction with his chin. “Go. Be with Willow and your son. Enjoy this moment. We’ll deal with the rest of this shit next week. I don’t want you even giving it any consideration right now. You got me?”
Ash nodded as he backed away. “Thanks, man.” His gaze bounced to each of the guys. “All of you…you don’t know what it means to me. That you’re here. That my family is yours.”
Everyone nodded. All except for Zee, who still hadn’t said anything.
Pain leached the color from his face. Worry and questions spun. I started to go to him, but he was already on the move, stalking down the hall and out the double doors we’d had to be buzzed through to enter.
I followed. I could feel the surprised stares from Tamar, Edie, and Shea who had retreated back to the waiting room to sit with their children.
Zee stormed right by, not even offering a parting glance.
Panic bubbled up in my spirit. “Zee,” I called.
He increased his speed, only stumbling a fraction when he got to the elevators just as a man was stepping from it. The man was wearing a suit and carrying a big teddy bear in the crook of his arm and a bouquet of flowers in the other.
Familiarity flashed.
It took me only a second to realize he’d been with Zee that first day when I’d run into him outside the police station.
He muttered a few words I couldn’t hear at Zee, but Zee only shook his head, didn’t say anything as he hopped on the elevator.
I was right behind him.
Shock widened the man’s eyes when he saw me before his expression downshifted into anger and worry.
I hated the feeling of being out of place. The feeling that I might not belong. Insecure was something I’d never wanted to be.
But I couldn’t stop it under the weight of his stare, the stare I felt boring into me when I called for Zee again and rushed to get into the elevator with him before the doors shut.
Zee was panting, pacing the enclosed space.
“Zee,” I whispered.
His hands fisted, and he sped up again, a building cyclone of energy.
The doors opened at the first floor, and he flew out. I rushed behind him, out through the two sliding doors and into the sun. Zee stormed down the walkway that led down the side of the hospital building, only slowing when he got to an area with shade trees and benches.
He came to a stop facing away, his hand reaching out to support him on the trunk of a tree.
Warily, I touched his back. “Zee. Tell me what’s happening.”
He flinched, every inch of him rigid. “I can’t let this happen, Alexis. I can’t. I promised. I fucking promised.”
Agitation swirled through our connection, and I inched around him. Slowly. Carefully. Terrified he might push me away.
I wanted to hold him a little, the way he’d been holding me. I nudged him back, wedging myself in his space. I felt desperate to look into the depths of his eyes.
So I could see where Zee held his secrets.
So I could witness where he held his truths.
“What? Who did you promise?”
“Mark.” The word broke, and his hand fisted on the bark. “I promised him. Promised him no matter what, whatever the cost, I would keep this band together.”
I blinked up at him. “How could that ever be your responsibility?”
Bitterness shook his head. “It is my responsibility, Lex.”
He hit a fist against his chest. “It’s all on me. This band…these guys…they almost lost everything because of me. And when Mark died…I promised him I would keep them together. For him. That I would make sure they found those dreams they’d been living for.”
His lips pinched in torment. “I’ve spent seven fucking years, Alexis, seven years watching their every move. Trying to keep them out of trouble. Praying they’d make it home at night when they were out doing whatever they did.”
My brow pinched. “How was that on you?”
Mocking laughter ripped from his chest. “I was always the outsider, Lex. Always the one on the outside looking in. All of them treating me like a little kid when I was sitting there desperate to keep the pieces together.”
“Zee,” I attempted, but he pushed on, agony flashing in his eyes.
“And I thought maybe…maybe now that they were all growing up—now that they were getting married and finding families—I thought maybe that pressure was gonna ease up.”
“Hasn’t it?” I asked.
He shook his head. “I just…I thought Mark might be looking down, watching me, and I’d know I made him proud. Thought maybe now I could finally start working for those things I needed to make right in my life.”
Grief slammed me from every side.
He was so full of sacrifice and shame.