“Good.” Because I love you. “Because I’d never forgive myself.”
She lifted her shoulders. “Nothing to forgive. You are who you are, Miles.”
Ouch. “That doesn’t sound like a good thing.”
She pressed her lips together. “Sorry. I’m in a weird place right now. Just trying to reconcile everything that’s happened in the last week with who I am. Who I want to be. The truth is, I do think I started to get a little confused about us. Like you said, we’ve always had a connection, and then the sex was so good—”
“So good.” I put my hand on her arm. “So good.”
She smiled, her cheeks blooming with pink. “Yes. Well, it all started to feel a little too good. Probably a good thing you’re heading out west. I need some time to myself, so I think stepping back at this point is a good thing. But don’t be a stranger, OK?”
Something weird and horrible squeezed my throat, like it was trying to choke me. “I won’t.”
She leaned over and gave me a hug, and I nearly lost it. Clutching her to me, one hand on the back of her head, one arm wrapped around her back, I took a deep breath and held her scent inside my lungs, wishing I could bottle it somehow. Take it with me. Curl up with it at night when I missed her, which would be all the fucking time now. But that would be no good because if I could smell her, I’d want her body next to me. And if I had her body next to me, I’d want to touch it. Claim it. Devour it. Bury myself in it.
Oh great, now I was hard. Just great.
She released me and sat back. “Now make a dirty joke or say something about your dick so I know we’re really OK.”
“Um. That hug got me hard.”
She laughed. “Good. Hate to think I lost my effect on you just because you had my buns for five days straight.”
Her buns. Oh, God. “Not at all. You’ll always do something to me. That’s just the way we are.” I took her hand and kissed her fingers.
She nodded slowly, her eyes shiny, and gently pulled her hand from mine. “I better go in. Safe travels, OK?”
“OK. Want some help with your bag?”
“No, thanks. It’s small, I’ve got it.” She reached into the back for her little suitcase and shut the door, giving me a little wave before heading toward the house.
I watched her let herself in and close the door behind her, then thumped the steering wheel twice. “Fuck!” Fisting my hands in my hair, I reconsidered my decision to let her go. It wasn’t too late—I could knock on the door, tell her the truth. Tell her I loved her, but I didn’t know how to be the man she deserved. Tell her I wanted to be the stranger who upended her life, and the one who helped her put it back together. Tell her I’d do anything to have the chance to make her happy.
Are you fucking crazy? No! You can’t do that. She just told you she wanted time to herself. She wants to step back. Don’t go running in there and make a fool of yourself. The truth is, you’re not good enough for her. You’re not what she wants. You can’t have her.
You never could.
I shut the door—the door—behind me and leaned back against it, waiting to hear his Jeep pull away.
Go, Miles.
He didn’t.
What the hell are you doing?
I went into the bathroom and peeked out the window. His Jeep was still there in the driveway, and he had his head in his hands.
My heart ached for a second before I thought, He can’t handle emotions. No surprise there.
But what was he feeling? Regret? Sadness? Indecision? Maybe he was just waiting for his hard-on to go away. I bit my lip? wondering what would happen next. I wasn’t even sure what I wanted to happen… If he got out of the car and knocked on the door, would I let him in? And for what? More sex? What the hell else did he have to offer?
And the more sex we had, the more attached I got.
No. I couldn’t do it.
Go, Miles. Before I fall in love with you.
The next second he was peeling out of the driveway and taking off down the street.
Backing away from the window, I grabbed my suitcase from the front hall and avoided looking at the door. I trudged upstairs and unpacked, telling myself that this was for the best—a clean break while we were still on good terms. I needed time to heal, and he needed to time to grow up.
Something told me I’d get there first.
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