Slouch Witch (The Lazy Girl's Guide to Magic, #1)

I snorted. ‘That’ll be the day. She’s welcome to you. Although I imagine that once she finds out what a snake you are, she’ll run for the hills.’


He tutted. ‘Such venom.’

He could tut all he wanted; now I knew the truth. ‘If I’d known you worked for HR, I’d have realised it sooner. You sent Eve away and blamed it on a mistake. You’ve probably done something to make sure that Price takes the fall for it. You reckoned that Winter would come running to you when he realised she wasn’t around.’

‘You have no proof. All you have are your own ravings, the ravings of the witch who cheated in an exam by copying from me and then assaulted me when things didn’t go her way.’

‘Everyone believed you then. They won’t believe you now.’

‘I only did what I had to. My father’s been breathing down my neck. You know what he’s like. If Eve had partnered with Winter, he’d have wanted to know why I failed. Winter’s the most talented witch in the Order. He’s going places. My father wanted…’

‘Oh, shut up. Stop using your dad as an excuse. This is all you, Tarquin. You’re the one who keeps doing this to people.’ I glared. ‘How many others have there been over the years? How many more people have you stamped on so you could rise to the top?’

‘It’s not like that.’ A calculated expression passed fleetingly over his face. ‘You don’t need to be like this, Ivy. We can work together, you and me. You can get your revenge on the Order for booting you out. They’re the ones at fault here, not me.’

Pah. I ignored his pathetic attempt to bring me into the fold. ‘What I don’t understand is why, after you’d already failed, you sent Bell End and Alice after Eve. What was the big plan there? Follow her and hope she screws up so you can still take her place after I’m gone?’

Tarquin frowned. ‘Eh?’

‘Matthew Bellham and Alice Fairclough,’ I said through gritted teeth. ‘Haven’t you been wondering where they’ve got to? Weren’t you worried that they’d vanished?’

Tarquin looked at me. ‘Isn’t Fairclough Second Level? An Adeptus Minor?’

Something about his tone rang true. ‘You don’t know her.’

‘I know she’s Second Level. Why has she disappeared? And who’s the other guy?’

I shook my head. ‘You idiot. You absolute sodding plonker. You sent Eve away and then you kept it quiet, didn’t you? You didn’t want anyone to know that she’d gone. Even the Ipsissimus has been trying to keep it under wraps so people don’t realise how messed up the Order can be. Eve is up in the middle of nowhere, on her own, dealing with goodness knows what.’ And the news that she was gone and I’d taken her place hadn’t reached the bad guys in time. They thought her partnership with Winter had gone ahead.

Winter had told me that he had magical guards in place to avoid being tracked – and that every Second Level witch did the same. Eve wasn’t Second Level yet; Bell End and Alice wanted to use those herbs to cast a spell to follow her, so that they could also follow Winter. The only reason I could think of why someone would do that was related to the sceptre and the fact that Winter had almost just died. As had I. But surely the sceptre’s value wasn’t worth all this trouble – was it?

The door opened and Winter appeared, filling the entire doorway with his muscular figure. Compared to him, Tarquin looked small and weedy. I wondered how things would have gone down between them if Tarquin’s plan had worked. Somehow I didn’t think Tarquin would fool Winter for long.

Winter’s blue eyes flicked from Tarquin to me and back again. ‘Have you finished shouting?’ he enquired.

I tilted my head and considered. My desire to vent loudly had dissipated in the face of certain truths but there were still some hard questions that needed answering. For now, I nodded.

I could almost feel Tarquin about to burst with nerves as to whether I’d dob him in or not. It was very tempting; I’d have loved to wipe that smug smile off his face once and for all. Despite what he might believe, however, I wasn’t that vengeful. I’d worked through my issues with him a long time ago and decided he didn’t deserve any sleepless nights. I hoped that Eve felt the same because, in the end, she was the one who’d been genuinely wronged by Tarquin’s actions. I was just the bystander who’d been drawn in by accident. I’d let Eve decide how to deal with him when she got back. It was only fair.

‘I think I’m good,’ I told Winter. ‘But I’m starting to get a bit cold.’

‘I thought you might be.’ With another hard look in Tarquin’s direction, he tossed me a clean robe. I never thought I’d be happy to put on one of those things but I sighed contentedly and pulled it round my shoulders.

Winter smiled. ‘I think you gave half the Order heart attacks walking around like that. People are still talking about the woman in transparent wet pyjamas storming through the buildings. It made following you very easy.’

Transparent, huh? I grinned. ‘Well, you did make it very clear that I was to dress appropriately for my position.’ He was also wearing a robe. Rather than clashing with the brilliant blue of his eyes, the red rather suited him. ‘I thought I’d prove that I have nothing to hide.’

‘Adeptus Exemptus Winter,’ Tarquin began. ‘I think you should know that your partner…’

Winter took me by the elbow and propelled me out of the room, leaving Tarquin gaping like a guppy. Together we strolled out of HR as if we’d merely popped by for a convivial cup of tea and were now leaving for an afternoon picnic.

‘Can you give me a lift home?’ I asked, once we were outside. ‘Unless there’s more work you’d like us to do first.’

A ghost of a smile crossed his face. ‘I think you’ve probably done enough for the day.’

I’d say. Unfortunately, I wasn’t finished yet. For now, however, I chose the easy option. ‘Thank you,’ I said softly. ‘For helping me down there. I’d be dead if it weren’t for you.’

‘You wouldn’t have been in danger if it weren’t for me.’

I inclined my head and didn’t argue.

We walked in silence for a few minutes. There were still a lot of people staring at us. I flicked back my hair and added a little strut. If I was going to look and smell like the creature from the black lagoon, I ought to own it.

‘Was he your boyfriend?’ Winter enquired, out of the blue, obviously referring to Tarquin.

I blinked. ‘Uh, yeah. A long time ago. I was still a teenager when we were together. It didn’t last. He’s also the one I assaulted,’ I added helpfully.

‘Because he dumped you or because he cheated and you got the blame?’ I shot Winter a surprised look. He frowned at me. ‘I’m an investigator, Ivy. This was hardly a difficult case to crack.’

‘No-one believed me before.’