“Thanks,” said Gary, trying to smile. “I’d like that.”
Laney was waiting for me, her expression anxious, but I had no words for her. I simply nodded at the policeman outside Yveta’s room, and he let me through.
The only light came from the sinking sun, and deep shadows filled the room.
“Hey, it’s Ash,” I said quietly, not wanting to startle her.
Her head turned toward me slowly, but she didn’t speak and her eyes were lifeless. The left side of her mouth was pulled up, deformed by a long, puckered scar—new and badly healed—that stretched all the way up to her hairline.
“Is it okay if I sit down?”
She didn’t answer. Gingerly, I sat on the edge of the chair next to her bed. I couldn’t tell if she recognized me or not. Maybe she was so drugged up she didn’t know anything. I hoped so. I hoped like fuck that she was.
I didn’t know what to say to her.
I reached out slowly and took her hand in mine. Her fingers were cold, so I stroked them gently. Speaking quietly, I told her everything—almost—that had happened to me, and that I was sorry. Over and over again, I told her that I was sorry.
When I’d finished, I looked up. Her eyes were closed, but tears tracked down her cheek. I didn’t know if she was crying for herself or for me or for all of us. I wanted to cry, too, but my tears were frozen, locked away inside.
I wondered if I’d ever feel anything fully again.
I sat for an hour, holding her hand, saying nothing, until a nurse came to chase me out.
“I’ll come back,” I said, repeating the words I’d spoken to Gary.
I don’t know if she understood.
Laney was still waiting outside, and for some reason that annoyed me. I wanted to be alone with my dark thoughts. Laney was the sunshine, but I couldn’t stand her brightness right now.
She must have read my mood, because she didn’t try to touch me, although I could tell she wanted to. But she had questions, and that was worse.
“Will you ever tell me? About Sergei, I mean? Why he was so relentless?”
I shrugged, uneasy, wariness darkening my eyes.
She took hold of my hand, and I walked slowly along the hospital corridor. I found myself rubbing my ribcage, as if touch alone could relieve a pain that came from inside.
I still hadn’t answered her. My mind was trying to push away the panic and dread. I’d almost forgotten Laney was there, waiting to hear my story: sweet Laney, kind and good.
I looked up into her eyes.
“I can’t tell you.”
Her disappointment stabbed me in the gut and I had to look away.
“You can tell me anything. I love y—”
I snapped, all my rage and disgust and frustration aimed at Laney. I didn’t want to think about all that shit. Why did she keep coming back to it? It was done! Finished! Why wouldn’t she let it go?
“I survived!” I shouted.
Laney
I jumped as he slammed his fist into the wall, and then he ran. I could only listen to Ash’s rapid footsteps pounding down the corridor.
Tears started in my eyes and I rubbed them away angrily.
“Stupid,” I muttered aloud. “So stupid!”
Did I need to know every sordid, desperate thing that Ash had done? I’d seen what Sergei had been prepared to do to him—seen it with my own eyes. But some instinct still warned me that Ash was the one who needed to accept what had happened. If he couldn’t talk about it with me, maybe he needed to talk to someone else. A therapist, perhaps? For both of us.
I knew that Ash had moments of being completely numb. He coped by compartmentalizing what had happened. But maybe after all, the best therapy was in each other’s arms, clinging together, two shipwreck survivors.
I found him waiting outside the hospital entrance, smoking, his forehead furrowed in a deep frown.
“I’ve called a cab,” I said. “It’ll be here in a few minutes. We can go home . . .”
“I have a show to do.”
“Ash, you don’t have to . . .”
“Yes, I do!” he yelled. “Yes, I do! Why don’t you understand that?”
A passing nurse gave me a worried look, trying to decide if she needed to intervene, but in the end she walked away, throwing concerned glances over her shoulder. The staff probably saw a lot of crazy people in their hospital.
The cab ride was silent until Ash suggested that I go back to the apartment.
“No, I’m staying with you.”
His eyes narrowed and I felt a twinge in my chest, but I tried to ignore it.
The driver dropped us at the corner by the stage entrance, and I followed Ash inside. I could tell that he’d rather be alone, but the theater didn’t open to the public for another hour and it was cold outside. Besides, I thought he needed me, even if he didn’t seem to agree.
Ash was the last to arrive and the director didn’t look pleased, but seeing as it was the closing night, he didn’t say anything.
“Nice of you to turn up,” snarked Sarah. “Oh hey, Laney! Come to see us waltz off into the sunset?”