“Come here, sweetheart. As I said, whatever it is, it can’t be that bad.” She went rigid beneath his touch, and when she finally met his gaze again, he knew that whatever it was, it was tearing her up inside.
“Oh, it might be,” she said with a shaky voice. She inhaled another ragged breath, and her eyes dampened again.
Fuck.
In an effort at self-preservation, he released her, trying to calm his own internal struggle of wanting to hope for the best but, taking in the confusion and sadness in her eyes, fearing the worst.
“I don’t know where to start, so I’m just going to tell you.”
“Okay.” Hurry the hell up. Every second felt interminable.
“I do a webcast every week, and I’m not proud of it, or maybe I am a little, but not really, but I do it anyway, and I should have told you.” She paused, swallowing hard.
Blue hardly ever used the Internet, but he wasn’t a novice. “A webcast? Is that like a podcast?” What the hell was she talking about, and why was this deceiving him?
“Sort of. It’s basically a video show that I do twice a week.”
“Okay. And?”
She fidgeted with a fraying thread on the blanket as she spoke in a low and serious voice. “It’s a baking show, one I started in college.”
He was totally confused. What the hell was wrong with baking?
“I…um…earn money by monetizing the videos. You know, the longer people watch, the more money I earn from my partner programs.”
“I don’t know anything about video monetization, Lizzie, but how is this deceiving me? I don’t care if you do baking videos. Is that why you leave me muffins and sweets in the mornings?” He reached for her hand.
She nodded, and a tear slipped down her cheek, ripping right through his heart. He gathered her in close again, pressing one hand to the back of her head. “I don’t understand. Why are you so upset? So you make baking videos. What am I missing?”
She pushed back, and he could see she was holding her breath.
“Breathe, baby.” He squeezed her hand.
“I…I don’t just make baking videos.” She shifted her eyes away. “I’m the Naked Baker—” Sobs burst from her lungs, and she covered her face.
His mind reeled with confusion as he tried to wrap his head around what she’d said. “Naked Baker? You bake naked? Online? For money?” Holy fuck.
She shook her head. Thank God he’d misunderstood.
“I wear an apron that covers my chest and down below. And heels.” She wiped her eyes with her forearm, still looking away.
“An apron?” He couldn’t even begin to process what she was saying. Too many emotions surged through him. “What else?” He was breathing hard, and his chest burned. A fucking apron and heels?
“Nothing,” she whispered.
“Nothing, as in you wear only an apron and heels?”
She barely nodded. If he hadn’t been watching her so intently, he might have missed it. “Well, a flesh-colored thong.”
“So, anyone who watches these videos can see your ass?” He didn’t mean to bark at her, but damn it, he felt blindsided, like she’d taken his trust and stomped on it, just like Sarah Jane.
“They don’t,” she snapped. “I’m careful with the angles.”
He paced. “You’re careful with the angles? Fuck, Lizzie, what does that mean? Why would you do this? You have a great floral business.”
“I needed money when I was in college and—”
He felt sick to his stomach and held up his hand, silencing her. “You’ve been doing this since college and you never thought to mention it to me before? Before we made love? Before I opened my fucking heart up to you?”
“Don’t you see, Blue? That’s why I kept turning you down when you asked me out, and telling you I wasn’t good for you. I knew it wasn’t fair of me to keep it from you, or to ask you to accept it.”
He ran a hand through his hair, then fisted his hands, trying to squeeze the frustration from himself. “Don’t tell me any more. Please.”
He stared at her, trying to reconcile the things she’d told him to the woman he knew her to be. The look in her eyes was gut wrenching, the pain in his heart, unbearable. His mind reeled back a decade, to the night he’d walked in on Sarah Jane screwing that other guy.
He looked at Lizzie, unable to believe what she was saying. How could this possibly be? Did everyone in this crazy world lie?
Lizzie’s tears stopped. Her chin rose, and she squared her shoulders, determination settling in her eyes. “I didn’t mean to deceive you, Blue. It’s not like I’m selling my body. I did what I had to do. If you’ll just let me explain.”
He narrowed his eyes, and when he spoke his voice was stone-cold, colder than he’d ever felt. “I can’t listen to an explanation right now, Lizzie. I need time to process this. I love you, but you did deceive me, whether you meant to or not. That is what it is.” He paused, trying to temper the acidic burn in his throat. The taste of the vile truth. “But the worst part is, you deceived yourself—and it sounds like you still are.”
Chapter Fifteen