She decided to change out of her sundress. It was too pretty, too hopeful.
She took the world’s longest shower, sudsing herself up with perfumed soap. She slathered moisturizing lotion all over her body and pulled on a T-shirt and shorts, nothing fancy, nothing seductive. She decided not to wear any makeup. He’d seen her waking up with morning breath and without makeup, he’d seen her curled up on the sofa with a blanket and a carton of Ben & Jerry’s while enduring menstrual cramps. If Nash wanted her, he could take her as she was, warts and all.
If he didn’t want her, she wouldn’t get mascara all over her face when she cried.
24
“Nash. Hi. Come in.” She stepped back for Nash to enter.
“Thanks.” Nash went into the living room and sat on one of the overstuffed chairs.
He went into the living room, not the kitchen where he often went. Did that mean anything? And why did he choose to sit in a chair, not the sofa where Darcy could sit next to him?
“Would you like a drink?”
“In a minute. Let’s talk first.” Nash had obviously showered. He wore a white button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up and khakis. Definitely not casual. Not here to watch the Red Sox and drink beer.
“Okay.” Darcy settled at the end of the sofa, facing Nash. She was grateful for the fat arm of the sofa next to her left arm. It gave her a sense of security.
“Darcy.” Nash cleared his throat. “We should get some things straight.”
Damn. That sounded ominous. Darcy bit her lip to hold back a whimper.
“Okay.”
“Darcy, I’m in love with you—”
“Oh, Nash!” His words almost launched her off the sofa.
He remained stern. “Wait. Listen. I’m in love with you, but you’re making it hard for me. And, no, not like that, stop grinning. This is serious. You say you love me, but you say you never want to leave your grandmother’s house, this house. Then you kiss another man.”
“Nash.” Darcy leaned toward him, as earnest, as truthful, as she could be. “It didn’t mean anything. Truly.”
“And it didn’t mean anything when I flirted with Kate Ferguson. Darcy, I don’t know what to think. I had thought you and I were—headed toward a serious relationship. Maybe more. I was happy with you.”
“I was happy with you, Nash. I wanted—I want—to be in a serious relationship with you, but I don’t know, we never spoke about being exclusive, anything like that—”
“Have you been sleeping with anyone else?”
“No, Nash! God!”
“I haven’t, either. So I thought we were a couple, even if we hadn’t made it official somehow. Even if we hadn’t said so in words.”
“I guess I need to hear the words,” Darcy told him.
“Are you ready to say the words?”
“What? Oh, Nash, I love you! You know that.” Darcy strained toward him, wanting to kiss him, to touch him. “I didn’t know you loved me, so…”
“Darcy, I told you something I haven’t told anyone else. About my brother. About his death, all that.”
“I haven’t spoken of that to anyone. I would never—”
“I thought you’d understand how I feel about you when I told you about Edsel. But, Darcy, come on, settle down, we need to talk this out. You say you love me. I love you. What does that mean? In my world, it means we’re pretty much on our way to being together permanently.”
Darcy’s eyes went wide. She half choked, half whispered, “Marriage?”
“Well, that’s what normal people do when they fall in love, when they’re as compatible as I thought you and I were. But I can’t get a clear reading from you, Darcy. I wanted to talk to you about the future, but only a few weeks ago you said you hoped you never had to leave this house.”
Darcy frowned. “You don’t like this house?”
“That’s not the point. If you’re never going to leave it, that means you never want to get married or live with anyone, or it means you expect whoever you marry to move in here.”
Darcy gazed around the room, this familiar, beloved room that had held her grandmother’s life and her own childhood.
“I guess you’re right. I mean, about what I said. I never really thought about it that way, Nash. I guess when I daydreamed about living with a man, having children, having grandchildren, it was always in this house.” She straightened her back; she met Nash’s gaze. “Could we just pause for a moment to be like fireworks happy that you and I love each other?”
Nash smiled, but his eyes were sad. “I’m glad if all this makes you happy. It makes me miserable.”
“Nash, no. If we love each other, we can work things out, right?”
“Can we? Can we really ‘work things out’? If I give you a couple of days or a couple of months, do you think you’ll be able to decide to sell this house? All this furniture”—his arm swept the room—“your grandmother’s garden?”
“But, Nash, why should I have to? Isn’t it a great house? Isn’t it wonderful to be in town, walking distance to the library, the post office, the shops?”
“What if I want to get a dog, a big dog that needs lots of room to run? What if I get an Irish setter or even a Lab? What if I want to live in a modern house with a large yard out of town, bordering the moors, where I could let the dog run?”
Darcy took a deep breath. “I think this is when I get myself a drink. Would you like one?”
“Please.”
“Wine?”
“A beer, if you’ve got it.”
Darcy rose and walked toward the kitchen.
Her head was spinning, and her heart had gone into some kind of gymnastic performance that sent tremors through her hands. She poured herself a glass of wine. She took a Heineken from the fridge, popped off the cap, and carried the drinks out to the living room.
She handed Nash the beer. “Would you come sit next to me on the sofa?”
“Thanks for the beer. No, I’m not moving. We can’t solve this problem physically. We’d only delay it.”
Darcy returned to the sofa. “But being physical is part of the solution, isn’t it?”
“Is it?” Nash asked. “If we make love, will you be a fraction more likely to sell this house and choose a house with me?”
“You’re making me feel so pressured,” Darcy said. She took a sip of wine. “Nash, when you think of the future, where do your dreams take you? I mean, do you think you could live on Nantucket for the rest of your life?”
“I’ve given this a lot of thought, Darcy. Yes, I could live here all my life. I’ve traveled a lot. I’m tired of traveling. I like my work here, I like the guys I hang with. I like eating fish I’ve caught right out of the ocean. I like seeing the stars without light pollution, and I like that I can admit that and it doesn’t make other people think I’m odd or weak. I’ve been part of the world of lawyers and judges and writs and summonses and that’s not for me. It’s not who I am. I’ve been discovering who I am and what I want since I’ve been here. And I want to live here, on the island, with you.”