Darcy nodded. “But not in this house.”
“I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. But I don’t want this house to be what you choose over me.”
“So we’re kind of talking about deal breakers,” Darcy said.
“If you want to put it that way, yes.”
“It seems clinical. Cold.”
Nash shrugged. “You’ve often said you thought you got married to Boyz too quickly. You rushed it, you didn’t get to know each other, you were all about what you dreamed would happen and you never took time to understand the reality.”
“I did say that, didn’t I?” Darcy nodded, her mind working fast now. “So here’s another, I guess you could call it, deal breaker. I’ve come to care for Boyz’s stepdaughter, Willow. She loves books, like I do, like you do. She’s smart and funny and working hard to make sense of life, as if anyone can make sense of life. What I’m trying to get at is, Willow might be part of my life. Maybe not, I don’t know, but I’d like her to be part of my life. I’d like to have her visit here, by herself, without her family, but it means I’ll have to be in touch with Boyz and Autumn. Would that bother you?”
“I don’t think so. We both know we have complicated pasts. It would bother me if having Willow in your life changed whether you’d want to have children. Your own children. Do you want that?” Nash asked.
“Gosh, yes, Nash. I really want children. I want your children.”
For the first time that evening, Nash broke out in a spontaneous smile. “So do I.”
“Oh, wow, that’s great!” Darcy set her glass on the coffee table. “Please, could I come kiss you now? This is driving me crazy, all this questioning, it’s like taking some kind of bizarre quiz.”
“Not yet, Darcy. I’m not comfortable about us yet. I want to answer your question about Willow. No, I wouldn’t have a problem if Willow became part of our lives. I’m not thrilled about contact with Boyz, but it doesn’t worry me. Willow’s swept up by the whirlwind of adolescence and she should have as many people caring for her, guiding her, as she can.”
“Oh, good, Nash. I don’t know what will happen with Willow, but I want to be there for her if she needs me. Boyz told me that Autumn is pregnant, so a new baby in the house might make Willow ecstatic, or she might feel pushed away, replaced. So that’s good then! So now can I kiss you?”
“We need to settle the matter of the house. This house.”
“Oh, Nash, that’s so complicated!”
“I think it’s simple, actually. I’d like to know whether or not you love me enough to live somewhere else. If you could sell this house and live in a house that you and I would choose together.”
“Nash, please. This house has been my home, my security, ever since I was ten years old. Even when I was married to Boyz, I knew the house was here, waiting for me. It would be painful to have to give it up. And I can imagine us living here. Even with children, even with a big dog. You know, the garden can be changed. If I remove all the flowers and low bushes, and seeded it with grass, it would have much more room for a dog, for croquet, even for badminton.” She bit her thumbnail, envisioning the changes. “Maybe not for badminton.”
“You still haven’t answered my question. Could you sell this house and live in a house that you and I would choose together? Yes or no.”
Darcy met Nash’s eyes and held his gaze. “The honest truth, Nash, is that I don’t know the answer to that question. I’m going to have to think about it, but can’t we be together while I’m thinking? I don’t mean only tonight, I mean for a few days? Or maybe even a few weeks? I don’t think I can come to a decision if I have to worry about you leaving me.”
Nash nodded. “That you’ll even think of leaving this house is more than I thought you could do, Darcy. Why don’t we agree to giving you a year. One full year.”
“Okay. That’s good. And during the year, we’ll be—together, right?”
“Yes. Together. Exclusively. No more coming on to any other men.”
“Or women,” Darcy added. She needed so badly to touch Nash, to trace his cheekbones and feel the bristles along his jaw, to be touched by him, anywhere, everywhere, and it wasn’t sex that she needed, or not only sex. Her soul yearned to connect to him, to be whole with him. She wanted to cook with him; to walk the moors with him; to slob out with him in front of the television, eating ice cream from the same carton; to arrive at parties with him at her side; to sit in silence in the living room with a fire burning in the grate while a blizzard rattled the windows, the soft glow of the reading lamps illuminating them as they each lost themselves in books. To go to sleep with his body warm and sturdy next to hers. And, yes, to have sex with him.
“One thing,” Darcy said. “Whatever decision I make while you and I are making love is to be considered automatically null and void on the grounds that I’m not completely rational.”
Nash grinned. “The same goes for me.”
“Should we put it to the test?” Darcy asked.
Nash stood up. In two steps, Darcy was in his arms. Nash held her, and she knew she was coming home.
25
Summer was gently slipping away. Along the beach paths and walkways, orange rose hips glowed like small round lanterns. The rose of Sharon bushes were dropping their white and pink flowers slowly, while no one was watching. Shadows fell longer and slanted differently as the sun moved lower in the sky. The days were hot and humid, the beaches still crowded, the library still in full spate, but in the evenings the air grew cool quickly and the trees that had blossomed with pastel flowers in the spring were now dotted with red berries.
The Brueckners left three days after Labor Day. One morning there was a knock on Darcy’s front door. When she opened it, she found the three boys and Susan standing there, all of them laden with bags of groceries.
“I’ve packed as much as I can into the cooler,” Susan told Darcy. “But I don’t want to let all this go to waste.”
“Thanks for thinking of me,” Darcy said. “I’m sure I’ll use it all up. Come right back to the kitchen.”
Susan marshaled her troops and they filed to the back of the house and deposited their donations on the table.
“Now what do we do?” Susan asked her boys.
Shyly, each boy held out his hand to Darcy, and as they shook hands, each boy said, “Thank you for helping us this summer, Miss Cotterill.”
“You’re very welcome,” Darcy told them.
“Thank you for story time!” Alfred impulsively chirped, turning red with embarrassment.
Darcy wanted to hug him, but was afraid he’d go into shock. “Thank you for using the library.”