I school my face into a neutral expression as I turn slowly to face him. But his expression is nowhere near as calm. He looks confused and there’s something else mixed in there, too … hurt? But that doesn’t make sense because I can’t let myself believe that he’d actually be hurt by anything that I could do to him, regardless of all that he’s said to me.
“Is … is something wrong, Jaz?” he asks tentatively, searching my face.
I work to keep him from seeing anything in it which might give me away.
“No, no—of course not,” I reply. “I’ve just got a really busy day today,” I add quickly.
He searches my face for another moment and he looks like he might try to push the subject, but nods slightly instead.
“Okay,” he says finally.
“You coming to lunch?” he asks, looking at me expectantly.
“No—I have to drop some books off at the library, then see my art professor before next period,” I lie again.
I don’t give Raph a chance to object, as I turn on my heel and walk away, practically running from him.
I avoid him for the rest of the day. I ignore his confused looks, which turn into concern and then finally anger. I ignore the impulse to throw myself into his arms and kiss him in front of the entire class, so that everyone here knows that he’s mine. I tell myself that the impulse is a crazy one, because of course, he’s not mine and nor will he ever be mine. I need to accept that and forget everything that happened this weekend and I need to do it fast.
27
Sovereign Hall is as still as a tomb when I get in after class. I know that Raph usually has soccer practice on Monday afternoons, so I’m safe for another few hours. I don’t want to think about what’s going to happen when he gets home, when he knocks on my door tonight.
Needing to work off the agitation that has been building inside me all day, I dig around in my wardrobe for my swimwear, feeling like a few laps in the pool should do the trick. Unfortunately, other than my now replaced Regency issued black one piece, my swimwear consists only of bikinis. I grab the first pair that I see—red and nicely cut. Not that it matters, because there’s no one home to see anyway.
The water in the heated pool feels amazing against my tense muscles and I feel the tension slipping away with each lap. I’m probably on my fifth lap when I notice someone standing over the far edge of the pool.
My stomach sinks when I realize it’s Raph, and at the same time, my heart speeds up, as I take in the sight of him. The soft pool lights reflect against his golden skin and every inch of him is ripped like a dream. My mind plays unwanted images in my head of the sight of that powerfully muscled body above mine, the feel of his rock hard chest crushed against my breasts and I’m glad I’m submerged in water, otherwise I think my skin will burst into flames.
The look in Raph’s eyes makes me still completely. Those midnight blue eyes are clouded over and pissed, very pissed.
“Hi,” I say lamely.
“Care to explain why you’ve been avoiding me all day?” he asks, crossing his arms over his ridiculously chiseled chest in a way that makes his arm muscles bulge.
For a moment, I consider trying to deny it. But then I realize it’s no use. One, because he’s clearly not going to believe me and two, because it’s probably better for us to get this out of the way now, so that we can go back to, well whatever it was we were before all that happened between us this past weekend.
“I don’t think this is such a good idea,” I say finally, still feeling totally lame because the words are a total understatement. Raph had been right that day in the forest when he said this was a mistake. He’d been right to try to stop it. It was my fault for pushing him, for making him tell me what he was wise enough to know could never matter.
But his face just tells me that he doesn’t agree with that at all.
He doesn’t say anything, though, diving cleanly into the pool instead. He surfaces after a moment and I can feel my body tensing as he swims towards me.
He stops a few inches in front of me and the closeness is not doing great things for my self-control.
“Is that so?” he ask finally, quirking an eyebrow.
I force myself to swallow.
“Yeah, it is. I mean—I think you had the right idea about this being a mistake. Because—you know nothing can ever come of this. So, maybe we should just stop now before things get—”
He cuts me off then as his head dips and his lips make contact with the side of my throat. I think I let out a moan as he trails those open mouthed kisses along my neck which drive me insane with need and make my skin come alive at the same time.
My hands grab onto his shoulders instinctively, my fingers digging into his skin as he licks and sucks at the sensitive spot where my pulse is hammering beneath the surface.
“The only mistake was not doing this the first moment I saw you on that damned beach.” He speaks the words against my skin and I shiver at the sensation it causes.
When he pulls away, his eyes blaze into mine and the hunger inside me is reflected in them.
Still, I try to hold onto the resolve that’s fast slipping away.
“Raph … I’ve never … I don’t do this …” My words are as incoherent as my thoughts. But Raph hears them.
He cups my cheek with his hand and the hunger blazing in his eyes turns into something deeper, a different type of fire, with the ability to incinerate my entire universe, if I let it.
“I know, Jaz.”
I let out a long breath then.
“You can have any girl you want and I know what you’re used to … I can’t measure up to that and I can’t let myself do this, when I know there are other—”
He cuts me off. “You have no idea, Jaz. I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want you. I’ve been with other girls, yes. But none of them ever meant anything to me. I don’t even think I really wanted them. I just wanted to distract myself, I was just trying to find something to fill the void. But none of them ever could.”
He drops his gaze and shakes his head almost ruefully.
“I guess I was just searching for something, although I had no idea what until you came along.”
His words leave me breathless and when his impossibly blue eyes lock onto mine again, I think I stop breathing altogether.
“I don’t know how I know this, but I’m certain that I’ll never want anyone the way I want you. No other girl can even come close, Jaz. Not one.”
Those words floor me and I can feel the last of my resistance being burned away under the intensity of his gaze.
“We can’t,” I say again in a last attempt to hold onto reason, but I hear the weakness in my own words.
“This—it’s wrong. You were right—we can’t want each other like this.”
“We can’t,” he replies, drawing even closer, until his bare chest is pressed up against my breasts, with only the thin material of my bikini top separating us.
“But we do.”
I back away from him in an attempt to distance myself from that all-consuming fire, but he follows me until my back hits the tile of the pool wall and there’s nowhere else for me to go.
“Do you want me, Jaz?” he whispers, as he trails featherlight kisses along the outer shell of my ear, along my jaw line.