“You excited for winter break?” Dani asks as we walk out of second period.
“I love the holidays—it is winter season after all, and no one does winter break like the Aspen Dynasty,” Keller replies.
I hadn’t even thought about it, although I knew it was coming up because Magnus called me a few days ago to arrange for me to be collected so that I could spend winter break at the Evenstar palace.
“I guess it’ll be nice to get a break,” I say. End of semester exams have been kicking my ass lately.
A stab of disappointment hits me when I realize that winter break will mean two weeks of being away from Raph. The Evenstar palace isn’t far from the St. Tristan palace by any means, but I doubt Magnus would approve of Raph sharing my bed there, especially because he has no idea that we’re now …
My train of thought stops there when I realize that I still have no idea what Raph and I are to each other. There are a few things which Raph and I have yet to do—one is to talk about what exactly is happening between us, which makes me utterly foolish. Because it makes me no different from all those other girls who are all too willing to jump into bed with Raph, knowing that he wants nothing more than to satisfy his base desires.
There have been no such other girls since that first kiss between us, though, and some part of me suspects, a while before that, too. But the thought is of little comfort. It’s the same foolishness that has stopped me from bringing up the subject because I’m terrified of the answer. Raph told me that night after the Fall Ball that it’s about more than just that with us. But I still have no idea what that even means or exactly how much more there is, because surely, there isn’t anything more that he can give me. His words return to me then—my life, it doesn’t belong to me, it belongs to my Dynasty, to my throne.
I’m suddenly not looking forward to winter break. Not at all. Raph would be in his palace, under his father’s watch, being reminded of all the duties, all the obligations that make him who he is, the throne that his life belongs to.
“There’s a big Dynasty Winter Ball each year which the Aspen Dynasty hosts. Mostly, it’s just spending time with family though,” Keller says.
“My little brothers terrorize everyone in sight. The Oaknorth Dynasty are pretty close to the Aspen Dynasty, so they spend a lot of time on our estate. You’re free to come along with Lance, if you want, Dani.”
Dani flushes in response.
“Not sure about that. Lance and I are taking things slow still. But my folks live in one of the worker residences of the Aldebran estate, so I’ll be close by.”
Keller rolls her eyes.
“The Aldebran Dynasty usually keep to themselves during the holidays.
“The St. Tristan Dynasty and the Delphine Dynasty though …” Keller cuts off mid-sentence when she realizes what she’s about to say. But I get the gist.
My stomach twists painfully when I realize that with the close links between the St. Tristan Dynasty and the Delphine Dynasty, Layla would likely be spending a considerable amount of time at the St. Tristan palace over the holidays, playing happy families with Raph. Being alone with Raph. He assured me that there’s nothing going on between them. But who am I kidding—he may not love her, but she’s still the most stunning girl I’ve ever seen in real life and she’s made it clear that she still wants Raph.
No hot-blooded male would be able to resist that and although Raph has never spoken about that period of time he spent trying to make things work with Layla for the sake of duty, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that it must have involved physical contact—kissing, touching, having sex. The thought of his hands on her, his lips on her—those same hands and lips which are on my body every night, makes me feel so sick, that it’s an effort to keep walking.
“Hey—you okay?” Dani asks, noticing the change in my demeanor.
I let out a long sigh in an attempt to calm the paranoia raging inside me.
“Yeah, I just realized that Raph and I probably won’t see each other much during the holidays,” I manage to reply.
Understanding dawns on Dani’s face.
“You’re worried about Layla,” she says knowingly, and I wonder how in the relatively short period of time that I’ve known this girl, she’s now able to read me so well.
“Yeah. I mean he told me that he doesn’t love her. I know that there’s nothing like that going on between them anymore. But we haven’t really talked about that side of things much more than that …”
A mischievous glint sparks in Keller’s eyes just then. Some part of me has been uncomfortable with talking about Raph and me in front of Keller at first, but she’s made it clear that although she and Layla have been friends since they were kids, she’s a neutral party. Raph is also her friend and I was surprised to learn that she thinks of me as one, too.
“Uh huh, too much fucking and not enough talking,” she says and I flush crimson in response.
Dani chuckles, but she knows the deal. Because that’s the other thing that Raph and I haven’t yet done, aside from talking about what’s happening between us. Even though most nights we would be clawing at each other, desperate to get closer, I could sense him holding himself back, keeping some part of himself leashed.
If I’m honest with myself, I’d admit that I want more than anything to break that leash and I can sense that he knows that it’s what I want, too. But still, he keeps himself reigned back, always stopping before we get that far. Even when I can feel his body quite literally quake with the effort, and I can see the all-consuming desire darkening those vivid blue eyes until they’re almost black. I know it has something to do with the fact that he knows I’ve never taken that step before, that he would be my first. But some paranoid part of me wonders if there’s more to it than just that.
“They haven’t actually done that,” Dani says on my behalf.
“The fucking, I mean,” she clarifies when Keller looks confused. Because although the walls in Sovereign Hall are thick, I know that some nights they must be able to hear the sounds we’re both making from my room.
Keller’s eyes widen almost comically.
“Hang on, wait. You’re kidding me, right?”
I’m still bright red, and although I feel ridiculously embarrassed, I manage to shake my head.
“No. Fucking. Way. All this time that Raph’s been up in your bed and he hasn’t even tried to go there?”
I shake my head again and Dani, as she always does whenever she asks me this same question, looks as disbelieving as Keller.
“Damn, Jazmine …” she trails off and she looks like she wants to say something more, but is holding herself back.
“What?” I ask.
Keller just shakes her head.
“I’ve just never known Raph to go without,” she says.