“Sure.”
Getting Cayden on the horse with Zach is far from easy. He’s heavy and refuses to wake. After a few minutes, we get going. I ride alongside them as Zach navigates as if this is his land. It’s crazy how well he knows the area. My gratitude grows as we ride in. Neither of us speaks, but we keep glancing over at each other.
I wonder if I have the capacity to ever trust again. Has Todd truly taken that from me? I’m hurt, angry, confused, but somewhere deep down, I want to be happy. And I wonder if there’s a reason Zach is back in my life.
We move toward the barn and the quiet erupts in cheers and clapping. The whole town is here. I look over at Zach and he smirks. This is what country life is like. Had the tragedy I endured in Pennsylvania happened here, it would’ve been an entirely different scenario. My home would’ve been filled, food overflowing, and I would’ve never had time to be alone.
My father takes Cayden from Zach and squeezes him. Guilt and regret fill me. I robbed my father and mother of so much time with the boys. They never got to see them grow up, and for that I’m sorry.
“Mom!” Logan rushes out as soon as he hears the commotion. “Cayden!” He pivots, rushing toward his brother, and they fall to the ground.
My hand flies over my mouth as tears fall. As much as I don’t think I would survive, we would’ve lost Logan too. His brother is his world. They have a bond like no other. Logan finally releases Cayden and finds his way over to Zach.
A hand rests on my shoulder, and I turn to find my brother covered in dirt and sweat.
“Pres.” Shame layers his voice.
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“I should’ve been watching them better.”
I place my hand on his. “I know you would never hurt them.”
He draws me into his arms, kisses my cheek, and ducks his head into my neck. My brother doesn’t cry, but he shakes as he holds me close. I can only imagine how scared he was too. Knowing that he had them in his care, that I’ve lost everything, and how it would’ve destroyed all of us if we lost Cayden.
“It’s okay, Coop.”
He shakes his head and releases a sigh of relief. “I’m going to get the horses ready for tomorrow.”
Which is his way of saying he’s still emotional.
“You should do that.”
People hug us, get to meet the boys, and chastise me for not coming to see them. It’s a long night, and the boys finally head to bed. Mama and Daddy escape not too long after them. As exhausted as I am, I can’t imagine sleeping.
I migrate to the back porch to watch the sun come up. Today is a new day. I need to remind myself of that.
Each time the sun rises, I choose whether or not to dwell in the darkness, and so far I’ve been choosing wrong. Todd made his own decision, but that doesn’t mean that my life can’t find new light.
I sit on the porch swing swaddled in a blanket with faith that we can start to heal. I know it won’t be easy. There’s a lot of things I need to come to terms with, but last night reminded me that I still have people to try for. The boys, my parents, my brother, Grace, Zach . . . I think about him.
How he makes me feel. How he’s always made me feel.
“Hey.” Zach peers at me as I shake off my thoughts. “I figured you’d be asleep.” He climbs the steps slowly as I get to my feet.
“I figured you’d be gone.”
I walk toward him, unsure of why he’s here. “I left for a bit, but wanted to come check on you.”
“Oh.”
He snickers. “I couldn’t sleep.”
“Me either.” He’s close enough that I can smell his cologne. Even after a long night, being in the woods, he smells like home.
I take another step.
Then another.
I’m so close I have to tilt my head to look into his eyes.
I breathe him in, feel his heat, and I can’t stop myself. I want him. I need him. I grip his neck and yank his mouth to mine. I kiss him. I kiss him and give in to everything I’ve been feeling. He doesn’t waste a second. His arms wrap around me, holding my body against his. My fingers grip his neck, keeping him exactly where I need him. This kiss is frantic, but God it feels good.
His tongue presses against my lips, and I gladly open. As soon as our tongues collide, I’m done. I lift myself into his arms and his hands cup my ass. He holds me as we go at it like teenagers. We break the kiss when Zach slams my back into the post, but I dive right back in.
I need this kiss. I need him to remind me of the woman I am. I’ve loved him my whole life, and I need to be loved right now. He moans into my mouth, and I feel it in my core. I want to drown in him. We kiss and claw at each other. I have no sense of time or anything that’s not him.
After God knows how long, Zach cradles my face in his hands and pulls back.