The moment I knew Cody and I had developed a genuine deep friendship was the first night we spent together. And I don’t mean spent as in wham-bam, thank you, ma’am, screaming orgasms and strawberries and whipped cream. Though I wouldn’t have said no to any of those things—let’s be honest. No, I mean, spent the night as in we were in the same bed together and I felt his body close to mine (it was heaven and hell at the same time).
It was a couple of nights ago. We’d gone out to dinner because that’s what we do now; we go to dinner weekly to catch up. Don’t ask! It sounds better than it is. It’s great being around him, but it sucks because nothing ever happens. He doesn’t try and kiss me. He doesn’t try and take my hand. He doesn’t try and do anything. And of course, I don’t either. I mean, I’ve thought about it. I’ve dreamed about grabbing him and kissing him and sucking his tongue and putting my hands through his hair, but my nerves and fear of rejection have stopped me. Being rejected sucks, but being rejected by your new quasi-best-friend would suck even more.
But I digress; back to that night.
We’d gone out to dinner and had a few drinks and Cody had asked if I wanted to go back to his place to watch a movie. Of course, I’d said yes. And of course, I’d been hoping that “watch a movie” had been some sort of code word to fucking my brains out. I know, I know, I’m getting crude, but you can only be around a sexy man for so long without starting to feel like you’re going to go out of your mind. But alas, alack, watching a movie meant just that.
We watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Yes, you read that correctly. He let me choose the movie. I’m not sure why he let me pick and I’m not sure why I chose that one, but I did. A friend of mine had told me it was a good movie, so I decided, hey, why not watch it now? Not the best decision I’ve ever made. It’s a great movie, but emotional. Full of angst and love and hate and anger and pain and soul-matey stuff that I didn’t need to be watching with Cody. And of course, I started crying. I started crying for the characters and I started crying for myself. I wanted someone to love me enough to be so caught up in me that he would want to erase me from his mind to stop the pain. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be loved that much? I mean, I know it’s not healthy. I know my views are skewed. I know I have some issues, but don’t we all?
There was this one scene where one of the characters said something like, “I’m erasing you, and I’m happy,” and it made me burst into tears right away because I’d just been having thoughts about wanting to erase Cody from my mind that morning. Cody’s face had looked at me in shock and I could see that I was making him uncomfortable.
“You okay?” he asked me with a worried expression. I had started crying even more then because he’d been so genuine and caring. Not teasing at all, but truly worried. Truly searching in my eyes to see if I was okay.
“Yeah.” I nodded and gulped. “It’s just a sad movie.”
“It’s just a movie though, Sally.” He put his arm around me awkwardly and pulled me into his arms, so that I could rest my head against his chest.
“I know,” I said and closed my eyes, enjoying the feel of his chest against the side of my face. His body was so warm and comforting and it made me feel wonderful. “It’s just hard to see when people who are so in love fall apart from each other.”
“Yeah, that’s love, I suppose,” Cody said softly. “Love is a temporary emotion. And so when people invest everything they have into something that is temporary, of course it will be devastating when it flees.”
“You think love is temporary?” I said, my heart stilling as I listened to him. I could feel his hands rubbing my back.
“I don’t think that true love is real and I don’t think that any emotion lasts forever,” he said simply and I swore I felt his lips on the top of my head, though I could have been imagining it.
“I like to think that there are true loves that last forever,” I said, looking up at him. “That there is someone perfect made for us.”
“That’s why you’re awesome,” he said and grinned down at me. “And I’m sure that one day, you will find someone who will love you forever and ever.”
“Thank you,” I said, trying not to let the sadness sweep over me again. I couldn’t allow him to keep dictating my moods. And I just needed to appreciate the fact that we were getting closer and we were getting to be better friends.
“Wanna watch the rest of the movie in bed?” he asked me questioningly. “No funny business, I promise, but it might be more comfortable.”
“Hmm, let me think,” I said with a smile, my heart racing as I gazed up at him. I could feel his palms on my waist and I could feel his body moving back and forth against mine as he breathed. This was the closest we’d been for the longest amount of time and I was enjoying it. Even if it wasn’t romantic or sexual. It was close. And I was craving being close to him. In fact this was one of the best feelings I’d ever felt in my life.
“I have popcorn.” He laughed. “And wine. And we can watch another movie. Or we can talk.”
“Talk?” I laughed. “Talk about what?”
“Whatever you want.” He made a face. “I know you girls like to talk.”