“Sex isn’t even always about attraction,” Mila said. “Plus, Cody’s an idiot—one of those guys who gets drunk enough and sleeps with anyone.”
“Well, Barbie wasn’t exactly ugly,” I said as I thought about the girl that Cody had slept with a few months ago at Mila’s lake house. My heart had ripped in two when I’d realized that they’d hooked up. Barbie had been beautiful—one of those girls that every girl is jealous of. She’d made me feel so insecure, with her perfect body and perfect looks. And the fact that her personality was awful had only made things worse because it had made me realize that personality really accounted for nothing. She’d been the biggest bitch, yet that hadn’t stopped Cody from hooking up with her the first chance that he’d gotten. I didn’t even care that he’d been drunk. In fact, part of me wanted to write him off completely. He’d obviously had no feelings for me, if he was able to do that. Absolutely no feelings at all.
The emptiness that resounded through my body made me feel so hopeless and lost. All I could think was what was the point? What was the point of allowing myself to dream of him, when there was never going to be anything between us? If I didn’t even matter to him one iota. But the hope in me wouldn’t die, especially after Mila and TJ had gotten together. I’d figured, maybe I had a chance. Maybe Cody would one day wake up and think to himself, “Oh shit, look, here’s Sally. She’s been here all along. I love her more than anything in my life. I want her so badly. I need to be with her. She’s my soul mate. The love of my life. How can I live without her?” It was a long shot, but it was worth a try. I sighed loudly as I looked at Mila. Her eyes crinkled as she stared at me, and she gave me a half-smile.
“You okay?” She reached over and patted my hand.
“Not really,” I said and took a deep breath. “How can I be okay when I don’t even know if I’m coming or going? How can I be okay when I don’t know if the sun is even shining? How can I be okay when all I think about is him, day and night? Even my dreams are pervaded with him. He’s on my mind all the time. He distracts me at the gym, when I’m reading a book, when I’m watching TV. He distracts me right now and I’m talking about him. I don’t know what to do, Mila. I think I’m going crazy. I know I’m obsessed. I know that this isn’t healthy. I just don’t know what I should do. Should I just give it up? Should I go to a mental asylum? Should I seek professional help?”
“Sally.” Mila started laughing. “You don’t need to go to a mental asylum. You’re not crazy. I know how you feel, though. I was there with TJ. It’s hard to know when to give up. But you have to ask yourself one question.”
“What’s that?” I said, slightly annoyed she was laughing, but understanding how dramatic I sounded.
“Do you want to be with him?”
“That’s a stupid question.” I rolled my eyes at her. “Of course, I want to be with him.”
“No, I mean, is that the most important thing in your life? Do you think you’re meant to be with him? Do you want to be with him for the rest of your life? Do you think he is perfect? Do you see him as your soul mate? Forget your emotions. The love in your heart. Forget the years you’ve been wanting him. Forget everything you think you know. Now clear your brain. Think of him. Just Cody. As a person. Forget his looks. Think about how he treats you. How he treats me. Think about what he does for a living. His interests. If he loves dogs, kids, how he treats elderly people, the foods he likes to eat, the jokes he makes. Think about the good and the bad. Can you deal with that? Is he the man you want?”
“Yes.” I nodded simply. “Even the bad things are things I love. Do I sound pathetic?”
“You do know he cuts his toenails in the living room and leaves the clippings on the table?” Mila asked me softly. “And I’m sure he rarely does laundry.”
“Mila!” I laughed and shook my head.
“I’m not lying.” She laughed. “I’ve seen him in the same outfit five days in one week and I know it’s the same clothes and not just duplicates, because I’ve seen the same stains on the clothes day in and day out and sometimes he smells.” She made a face. “Granted, he doesn’t do that every week. If he did, there would be a major intervention, but I’m not sure he showers every day either.”
“Mila, are you trying to turn me off of him?” I looked at her and laughed. “These are not the best qualities that you’re bringing up.”
“I just wanna make sure that this isn’t about the fantasy of Cody.”
“Trust me, I know how gross he is.” I laughed. “You and I have been best friends for years, remember? I’ve known him for ages. I remember when he really didn’t shower for weeks. Remember that time in high school?” I made a face. “Your mom and dad threw that bucket of water over him?”
“And Nonno held the hose up to him.” She nodded, her face nostalgic. “That was hilarious. Nonno said that if he was going to act like a dog, he would get washed like a dog.”