The minister says a few parting words and invites everyone to the graveside where my husband will be laid to rest. The cold, shallow, dark dirt will consume the wooden box he lies in and the only thing I’ll be able to do is pray that wherever he is, he’s at peace. The pallbearers pass me and I’m instructed to stand and follow behind. There’s soft music playing in the background but that doesn’t calm the hushed whispers I hear as I pass. Maybe staying here isn’t the right thing to do after all. I could start over, go somewhere tropical where there’s crystal blue water and white sandy beaches.
Or I could stay and face my demons. I have no doubt that I’ll be called to testify against Lawson, and when that happens my cover will be up. Everyone will know my name isn’t Amy, but Penelope. Everyone will know that it wasn’t only Ray I was married to, but Tucker also, and the moment he made his presence known my marriage to Ray became null and void.
Choosing between Tucker and Ray would’ve been impossible. It would’ve been heartbreaking and I don’t think I could’ve done it. As much as I love Tucker, Ray’s been there when I’ve been at my worst. He picked me up and showed me how to live.
“Thanks for staying,” I say as I come down the stairs and enter the living room. Over the past few days, the guys worked to remove any trace of Frannie dying on the floor and my husband losing most of his blood on the couch. Rask and Evan put in new flooring, which was needed before Ray’s wake. And Cara and Nate went sofa shopping for me. It’s not something I would’ve picked out, but nonetheless it serves its purpose.
“I would do anything for you, you know that.” Tucker sits on the sofa with his leg crossed over his knee. He turns off the television and watches me as I cross the room. I can feel his eyes on me, the same way I could when we first started dating. The butterflies and minor tremors of excitement I felt back then are still very present. Tucker hasn’t changed much; he’s aged, but who hasn’t? I can still picture him shirtless, with his phoenix tattoo on his shoulder, mowing our lawn. I’d gawk at him, taking in the fine contours of his body. He’d catch me staring, but never say anything. It was like a game for us. Who could go the longest before one of us caved and pounced?
I often lost, but it was worth it.
When Tucker left, we were trying to have another baby. According to Tucker it was practice until the deed was done. Over the years I’ve wondered how our family would’ve turned out if he had come home like he was supposed to. If River hadn’t met and married Frannie, where would we be now? Still in Coronado or would Tucker be retired? Or would I be sitting here today, in another place, mourning my husband?
“We need to talk.”
“I know,” he replies, but without infliction in his voice. He knows what’s coming and is bracing himself.
“I thought about asking you what you want, but it’s not going to change my mind. I have to think about Chloe—”
“Her name is Claire,” he says interrupting me.
I nod, agreeing with him. There’s no use fighting about her name.
“I have to think about her and what she wants, and right now that is staying here.”
“Then this is where I stay.”
Tears build and seep over, but at this point I’m so used to crying that I let them fall. “I don’t want you to, Tucker. I need some time to figure things out. I need some space away from all of this. Months ago my life was great. I was happy. Then Ray hears a news report and emotions and memories are stirred up. Ted Lawson’s name is in the paper, and then I get an email from Buzz. I should’ve told Ray what was going on and I didn’t until it was too late. Now he’s dead by the hands of a psychotic woman who I knew would find me someday and I can’t help but think I could’ve prevented this.
“I should’ve kept running, but I got lazy. I let love and family break my walls down and now I’m barely able to function. My body aches and my mind is freaking out on me. I love you, Tucker, I do, but I also love Ray and having you here will create a lot of questions that I don’t want to answer, not yet.”
Tucker makes a sudden move and I half expect him to leave; instead, he stands and pulls me into his arms. He feels like home, like this is where I belong, but I can’t be there right now.
“I told you I’d walk away from you if that is what you needed, but I can’t walk away from Claire. She’s my daughter and I want to get to know her. I want to make her breakfast in the morning and walk her to school. I want to run on the beach and have her show me how to shoot a bow. I have so much to learn and I’m begging you not to take that away from me.”
Tucker’s words cause me to sob into his shoulder. Instead of yelling, he holds me, rubbing his hand up and down my back while trying to soothe me. Any other guy would leave, throw shit around the house and slam the door, but not Tucker.
Not in this situation.