Why? What did I do to deserve this?
In a matter of minutes I’m going to have to paste a smile on my face and act like everything is okay when it’s not even close. I’m going to have to ask my husband if he’s ready to go home and explain to him where I’ve been for the past hour. He’s going to want to sit down, watch a television show, and maybe enjoy a hot cup of cocoa. I’m going to sit with him because it’s what I always do and instead of flipping through my magazine or working on a crossword, I’ll sit there with my heart pounding so hard my ears will vibrate. My palms, already clammy, will be so cold my fingertips will start to turn blue and no amount of rubbing them down my pant leg will warm them up.
I’m going to have to tell him, the man who took my daughter and I in when we had nothing, that I’ve been living a lie. I should’ve never gotten involved with him, but the thought of providing for Claire was too great to deny.
I love Ray, I do. He may not be the love of my life because that title belongs to Tucker, but he has my heart. He’s a good, caring, and attentive husband who dotes on my daughter. I couldn’t ask for more, except it was Tucker that I was still with. But fate, or whatever the hell you want to call it, intervened and took him away from us.
Cara drops me off behind the store, making it easy for me to slip back into the crowd. If anyone notices me, they won’t think twice about seeing me come from the general direction of the store. Cara even hands me the bag of maple mustard I bought right before she approached me. It’s a good thing she remembered because that was the last thing I was thinking about.
I walk across the street and step into the crowd. More people have arrived and I’m hoping I can use it to my advantage. People I know from town greet me as I pass by; I offer a slight smile, but keep moving. I never realized how hard it is to smile when you’re falling apart on the inside. Right now, my throat has this lingering pain that I can only describe as a building sob. I have to keep swallowing because if I don’t, it’s going to explode right here, in front of everyone.
I’m weaving in and out of patrons, shoulders bumping mine, bodies jostling into me. Each touch makes me more and more nervous. My body tenses at the sound of my name. Not Amy, but Penny. It’s a name I’m not used to hearing. Could Frannie be here? Would she call out my name? Surely there has to be another Penny in this crowd, it’s not that uncommon.
My name is called again, and I stop to look around. I spin, looking in all directions for the voice that keeps saying my name … only to realize that it’s Claire coming my way. She’s not saying Penny; she’s saying Mom and Ray’s right behind her. If anything, he yelled Amy to get my attention. So why did I hear Penny? I go to open my mouth to call her name, but shut it quickly when I realize that the name that’s about to fall off my lips is her birth name, and until this past week when my life started to unravel, I haven’t thought of her as Claire in a long time and now that I’ve said her name and heard, I can’t get it out of my head.
This time I’m not careful about the people I’m bumping into as I make my way to Claire and Ray. I pull her into my arms and bury my nose deep into her hair. She wiggles, trying to break free, but I hold on for a second longer.
“Geez, Mom, you’re trying to smother me,” she mutters, pulling away. She fixes her hair and pulls her coat down all while giving me a glance that tells me she’s annoyed. Usually I’d say something to her, but not tonight.
Ray wraps his arm around me and I fall into him. For so long he’s been my security and I can’t help but feel safe in his presence. Tucker makes me feel that way, too, though, and those feelings have me conflicted. The fact that he accepts that I’m married should please me, but it scares me. Was he held captive? Is he not the same man that left on deployment? I’ve read numerous articles about post-traumatic stress and how the tiniest thing can trigger a response. Is Tucker denying himself the chance to be angry that I’m married? Will this come back to haunt me?
The more I think about Tucker, Ray, and everything that’s going on, the more anxious I feel. Smiling at Ray, I’m trying to convey the same happiness he’s always made me feel, but I can see in his face—and his concerned smile—that I’m not successful. His hand slides down my back and into mine, giving me a firm squeeze.