“I’ll never leave you.”
“No, that was too fast. Don’t answer yet. I want you to think about it, and then answer when you know. When you feel it inside,” he says, rubbing my chest over my heart.
I kiss him and lie back down. Rolling to my side, he covers me from behind, and I close my eyes, knowing the answer already. But I wait, because when I say it aloud, I want him to believe it.
. . . Lifting my head, I feel groggy after sleeping and turn to see the time. Three hours. It’s almost ten. I see the bottle of wine and feel the frustration instantly return. I get up and use the restroom, my head still full of the memories of losing not just my virginity, but my soul to Alexander.
I could break the top of the wine bottle. I dismiss the idea since it might put small glass shards in the wine. When I come back out, I see the floral dress hanging from the top of the bathroom door. I decide to change into it with no real reason other than I need a change in my routine. I put on a little makeup, keeping it light, and pull on a pair of wool socks. Grabbing the old hiking boots I bought on closeout from the shop, I put them on. I pull my hair down from the rubber band and fluff it. I won’t spend too much time getting ready or guilt will settle in and keep me here.
Walking out the door, I lock the bolt and tuck the key in my jean jacket. Growly’s sign is glowing red in the distance, the “r” flashing as it threatens to burn out. It only takes a few minutes to walk down the street, but each step feels heavy. It’s these moments when I miss Shelly and Chad. Even before I met Alexander, we hung around mostly just with each other. Cutting myself off from Alexander has also cut me off from my friends. And I wonder how they are. If they ever wonder where I am or worry if I’m okay. I’ve never gone out on my own. I’ve never even been to a bar. I’ve never started my life over before either, so I go anyway, needing something to numb these memories crowding my mind and suffocating my heart.
The music is heard from outside, so when I open the door, it seems the whole town has come out tonight. I hesitantly walk in and head to an empty barstool at the far end. I slide on top and when the bartender, a diner regular, spies me, he comes over. “Hey, Alice. Good to see you. What are you drinking?”
Before I can answer, a deep, friendly, and familiar voice, says, “Get the lady whatever she wants and put it on my tab.”
25
Sara Jane
Three beers in and I’m feeling the effects. Country music is something I would have never listened to at home, but here in this town, in this bar with the laughter, the dancing, and the drinking, I kind of like it. Eric leans on the bar next to me, a smug grin on his face. “Dance with me.”
“I don’t dance.” My voice doesn’t sound like my own. It’s more relaxed and drawn out, kind of like the people in this town. Maybe I fit in more than I thought.
“Go on,” Della says over my shoulder. I can hear the laughter in her voice. My boss at the diner is having her first night out since she filed her divorce papers almost a year ago. Like me, Eric sweet-talked her into stopping by for a drink. Leaning against my back, she whispers, “He sure is cute.”
“Listen to the lady. I sure am cute.” He nudges me with his elbow. “Anyway, you’re not the first city girl I’ve taught to two-step.”
“How do you know I’m from the city, country boy?” I lean on the bar, angling in his direction.
“Well, I know you’re not from around these parts. I would have heard about you.”
“I think I believe you. This town keeps tabs on everyone.”
Della laughs. “Boy, do I know that.” Patting me on the back, she says, “I’m going home. One drink is enough for me.”
Turning to hug her, I say, “You have a good night.”
She whispers, “Dance with him. You’re young. Have fun.”
“Yeah. Yeah. Be safe.”
“Will do.”
Eric tells her good night, and then squints at me with a wonky, pursed smirk. I raise my shoulders and ask, “What?”
“You.”
“What about me?”
“Your eyes are like Pandora’s box. Full of intrigue and secrets.”
“I’m not that exciting. I work and I go home.”
“Home. The motel isn’t temporary?”
Turning the bottle of beer around by the neck, I think about my slip. “The motel is not my home, but something that’s become a habit.”
Leaning over just a little bit, he whispers, “Sometimes we’re lucky enough to have habits grow into more. You think I could ever become one of your habits?”
“That’s very forward considering you don’t know me at all.”
He takes a long swig of his beer, and then says, “I know enough to want to know more.”
His niceness is tempting in ways that shouldn’t be for a girl caught in a whirlwind of unresolved affections for another. “You’re a nice guy—”
“Nope. Let’s not go there. The kiss-off hurts my ego more than my feelings.” He pushes off the bar when a new song starts playing. “I like this one. Come on. Dance with me,” he says, his hand out for me.
“If you know I don’t dance, why do you insist on wasting a perfectly good song on me?”
The smile I’ve grown accustomed to fades. “’Cause I think you could use something to take your mind off your troubles.” The grin returns, and he moves closer, his middle against my knees. When his hands rest on my legs, I look down.
Alexander.
Coming here, to this town and to Growly’s, I thought I was escaping a life that consumed me. I left the chaos of that world behind.
I thought. Feelings don’t let you forget. Memories are there to remind, to bring back the emotions you felt, still feel.
“Give me a chance, Alice.”
Take a chance, Sara Jane.
“I’m gonna go.” I land on my feet and start walking backward. “Thanks for the beer.”
Reaching forward, he grabs my hand. “Don’t go yet.”
Slipping out of his reach, I smile. “I’ll see you around, Larry.”
He laughs and tips his cap to me. “See you around, Alice.”
I’m glad I came out. It beat sitting in that motel room another night watching bad TV. I push the door open and step into the cool night. It’s quiet out here, the gravel under my feet the only sound in the air. I shove my hands in my jacket pockets and look up at the stars as I walk. I’ve never seen so many. Stars like this don’t shine where I’m from. I wonder if they ran away to this town too. A smile creases my cheeks as my breath comes out in white puffs.
I chalk up my good mood to the beer and company and continue walking and smiling like this is real life, like it’s natural to feel this good. I’m starting to feel like myself, the good parts finally starting to heal the bad.