I talk, and talk, and talk, until I tell her all—every damn doctor, every surgery, every sleepless night, everything.
This isn’t so hard. Its clinical, it doesn’t rip my heart out the way talking about Star does.
When I finish, she simply nods. “Looks like we have a little time left. Do you want to talk about what happened with Danika?”
Jesus Christ, woman! Give me a fucking break!
I look at my watch. How could all of that only taken half an hour? Maybe because she didn’t say much, just nodded and gave me a lot of sympathetic looks. But I don’t want her sympathy. I want her to fix me.
“I kind of had a meltdown.”
“Meltdown? Explain what you mean by that.”
The night is all too clear in my head. “Well, the night started out great. Then it got weird…”
I tell her about the gallery, the run-in with Andrew and Becca, and everything else.
“When you say you froze, what does that mean? Tell me how you felt physically and what was going on in your mind.”
The answer to her questions isn’t readily apparent to me. “I don’t know exactly. My heart started racing, and not in a good way, my skin felt all tight, like it was shrinking all over my body, and I broke into a cold sweat. I felt like I was suffocating and couldn’t breathe.”
She nods and urges me to continue.
“I don’t think I was really thinking anything.”
She eyes me skeptically. “What was the last thing you do remember thinking before you had the panic attack?”
“I guess I was thinking how much I loved her, and how I just wanted her to be happy.”
“Was that all? Try to put yourself back in the moment, and tell me if you remember anything else.”
I close my eyes and remember the feeling of her skin against mine, her breath against my face and neck, her mouth on mine, her hand on my cock, easing it into her wet heat…
Shit. Getting a hard-on in the shrink’s office is not a good idea.
“Um, I guess I was thinking about what sex with her was going to be like.”
“What do you mean?”
What the hell do I mean?
All the fantasies I’ve had over the last four months of fucking Danika flood my brain—her against the wall while I slam into her, her pinned to the bed while I fuck her from behind, all the things I want to do and know I never can.
“I mean, I was wondering how I was going to, you know…do it…”
She leans back in her chair and nods. “Have you been with anyone sexually since the accident?”
What the fuck does that have to do with anything?
“No.”
“Have you tried to be with anyone else?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“How did Danika react when you froze?”
Dropping my head into my hands, I squeeze my eyes shut and try not to picture the look on her face before she turned her back on me and walked away. That will only lead to more tears.
“She was worried. She tried to calm me down, but I don’t think she had any idea what was happening.” The fear in her eyes is crystal clear in my mind, although I wish it was something I could forget.
“Did she say anything?”
I groan. “She told me she loves me.”
“You say that like it isn’t a good thing.”
“It is a good thing. I love her, too. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me. But…”
She waits for me to continue, but breaks the silence when it’s clear I won’t. “But what?”
I look back up at her when I hear the creak of the leather. “But I can’t give her what she needs.”
Dr. Cochran nods and leans toward me. “What is it you think she needs?”
“Fuck.” I pull my hair back and clench my eyes, remembering her words, her tears. “She needs someone who is fucking whole.”
“Did she say that?”
I shake my head, but avoid any eye contact with her.
“Savage. Please look at me.”
I finally look at her, and she smiles. “Did she say that?”
“No.”
“What did she say?”
As I could ever forget her words.
“She said it wouldn’t be a deal breaker if I couldn’t have sex, but that it was a deal breaker that I wouldn’t tell her what was going on.”
Doc relaxes back in her chair and watches me. “Hmm.”
“Why are you ‘hmming?’” My annoyance level has reached nuclear levels. Talking about this isn’t helping, all it’s doing is making me relive the worst fucking moments of my life.
“Well, you told me Becca left you after the accident…” I nod in agreement. “Why do you think she left?”
“How the fuck would I know?” I spit the words at her. “I never even spoke to her about it. All she told Storm was that she ‘couldn’t do it’ and then she fucking disappeared from my life.”
She left me when I needed her. She left me when my life had fallen apart.