We blew each other a kiss and I closed the door behind me.
By the time I finished everything I had to do and got in my Expedition, Eve’s car was gone. She had a long drive ahead of her. As I moved along on Highway 17 I wondered if Eliza had a premonition that Eve might have been at Wild Dunes. Had she come there to catch me in the sack with Eve? Didn’t she trust me? There was no reason that she shouldn’t. None at all. And had Carl come for the same reason? Were they spying on us? It kind of pissed me off to think about it. I didn’t deserve that. I could’ve had all the sex I wanted to with Eve and I hadn’t. God knows she was certainly willing. And I was no saint. I knew that. But I’d always thought that stepping out on the wife was asking for trouble. First of all, I’d get caught. I just had that kind of luck. I mean, look what happened when I fell asleep on the wrong sofa. I got my ass handed to me, that’s what. And second, I didn’t want to hurt Eliza. Maybe she wasn’t the beauty she used to be, but neither was I. Although Eve was probably better looking now than she was when she was a teenager. And Carl was distinguished looking, still very GQ handsome. There was no justice in the world. I looked in the rearview mirror. I was getting very jowly.
Well, I fucking hate the hell out of that, I thought.
Traffic on the Ravenel Bridge was murder. Well, it was five o’clock on a Saturday night. People were probably going downtown to have supper. I realized then that I hadn’t heard from Eliza all day. And I hadn’t called her either. Why should I? To apologize for what? Falling asleep?
Maybe I would give her a piece of my mind when I got home. I’d been a faithful husband for over twenty years and I didn’t deserve this kind of suspicion. I really didn’t. Maybe I’d entertained the idea of sex with Eve a couple of hundred thousand times, but I’d never acted on it, even when it was right there in front of my face. I mean, there was a big difference between thinking about sex and actually having sex. No, I was a good husband and I deserved better treatment than I was getting.
And, excuse me, but it was Carl who was banging his nurse. He could say what he wanted to Eve, but I saw the look on his face. He had definitely cheated on Eve. I’d bet my life on it. Okay, not my actual real life, but something big, like maybe some money, like a couple of hundred dollars. Or maybe he wasn’t. But he was as red-blooded as I was, and real men enjoy flirtation from young pretty girls. I’d been in those shoes before with a secretary my dad hired one summer when I was in high school. Blow jobs weren’t really sex anyway. Ask Bill Clinton. Yeah, that was a hot summer. What the hell was her name? Karen. She was a cute little thing with hair dyed jet black, big old floppy boobs, and fat marshmallows for lips. She thought she was playing hard to get, but I can attest to the fact that she spent a lot of time on her knees—and not in prayer. Then one afternoon Dad caught her going down like a German submarine on one of our roofers and fired her. Hell, he should’ve fired the roofer! I laughed remembering the whole situation. It was just an inch shy of a scandal, but nothing came of it. That was a good thing. No, I’d maybe say my dalliance with Karen was an indiscretion, but it wasn’t sex and it sure as hell wasn’t an affair.
The truth was that I could’ve taken Eve away from Carl any time I wanted to through all the years we’d been vacationing with them. I didn’t want to. But what would it have been like if I had? It would’ve killed Eliza. But then Carl sort of had an eye for my girl and always had. Maybe we would’ve divorced and remarried each other. Boy, that would be a story no one would believe in their wildest dreams. But stranger things had happened in this world.
Life with Eve. What would that look like? Well, the food would be terrible. Let’s start there. The woman couldn’t even make toast! Pitiful. At least Eliza could cook. Jesus. Gorgeous, great in the sack as I recall. So was Eliza. But Eve shouldn’t be allowed in a kitchen. I could’ve died from that omelet.
Traffic was moving along and I was almost home. I had the thought that maybe I should stop at the grocery store and pick up a bunch of flowers for Eliza. She loved flowers of all kinds. Her azaleas and camellia bushes were simply astounding. And her gardenias were too. Years ago, she’d planted hydrangeas in front of the house, and now they were as big as my SUV. No, there was no doubt about it. Eliza was a woman of many gifts. Extraordinary, really. Well, I drove right past the grocery store because coming home with flowers would look like I had something to apologize for, and I did not.
Okay, I did have something to apologize for, but I wasn’t going to do it. I swear to God, Eliza can read me like she’s psychic or something. She was right about me not wanting to get up and go home, but I’d never admit it to her in a million years. Hell, no. And you know what? After all the years when I had denied myself the opportunity to be with Eve behind everyone’s back, which would have been the easiest thing in the world, I couldn’t see the harm in sleeping on her couch. I wasn’t even lying down. I was asleep sitting up. Was that really so terrible? Was that a deal breaker? No way. Eliza would be pissed for a while, but she’d forget about it eventually. It wasn’t worth tearing a family apart. Or destroying our friendship with Eve and Carl. They meant too much to us, as we did to them.
I pulled into the garage. Eliza’s bay was empty. Now, where was she off to? I thought. Probably at Williams Sonoma, running up our charge card. Vengeance shopping. Oh, she could read me, but I knew her too. So it would cost me a thousand dollars to get things back to normal. So what? It was worth every penny. Sorry, but it was. I’d had my one turn at bat and I’d proven myself to be a good and faithful husband. And if I had to, I’d argue with Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates that falling asleep on Eve’s sofa was accidental. Man to man? He’d let me into heaven. Men understand these things, where the line is and all that.
I went inside and saw a piece of paper on the counter. It appeared to be a note from Eliza.
I’m going to visit my family in Corfu. For once, I’m putting myself first . . .
What? Was she kidding? What family? This was craziness! She must’ve been playing a game with me. There was no way! No way in hell! She didn’t have any family over there, did she? Wait! Yes, she did. I remembered her saying she did. And I remembered telling her they were a bunch of poor slobs who couldn’t speak English. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. I’d never met them. Yeah. That was probably not a good thing to say.