You tell her everything that has occurred since the assessment meeting—you can’t believe how much has happened—Ken harassing you, Winthrop putting you in solitary, Ben getting beaten up, by your brother. It’s all just too much.
You also tell Shayna that you’re ready for the next step. You want to start trying foods. You tell her you also need her help to make your parents understand that you’re going to be okay, and you’d like her to help set boundaries at home. Although you felt a sort of thawing happening with your dad at the hospital, you know there’s a lot more involved than a hug and an I’m sorry from him to make things right.
You need Shayna for the work that you’ll have to do—the eating, the mindful thinking, the coping skills, the work to lower your anxiety … everything else it will take to get better. You know you cannot do it alone.
“I’m ready now,” you tell her. “If being at St. Joe’s taught me anything, it’s that I’m stronger than I thought I was and I want to try really hard to fight this. I’m at my best friend’s house now but will you come with me to my house today? I can’t face my parents and brother alone.”
She reminds you that it’s Sunday.
“Please, Shayna, I can’t go home alone. I need you there.”
“Tomorrow morning? We can go there together tomorrow. Early, though, seven a.m.?” she says.
“Okay.”
“I’ll come get you and we’ll go talk to your family together.”
“Thank you, Shayna, thank you.”
You give Shayna Jae’s address and hang up, then you call your parents. They put you on speaker and you tell them that tomorrow morning at seven you’ll be home, with Shayna, to talk to everyone. You tell them that you’re going to seriously work on getting well, but it’s going to be on your terms.
Then you ask your parents, “What is it about Ben that you don’t like?”
When your mom speaks, you can tell she’s tearful. Maybe also a bit remorseful. “It’s not that we don’t like Ben … but, you changed when he started coming around.”
“That’s not true,” you say.
“It is,” she says.
“I got happy,” you say.
“You were doing things out of character,” your mom says.
“You started hurting yourself,” your dad interjects.
“You stopped taking your pills,” your mom says.
“Ben makes me happy,” you say. “And he didn’t change me. He and Jae are the only ones who understand me. You guys don’t understand everything that I’m going through, everything I’m dealing with. I know I made some mistakes and I’m willing to admit to them, but we’ve all made mistakes.”
You’re being really open with your parents and you’re not sure what to make of it. You guess it’s a start. And it seems like they’re listening to you.
Then you ask another important question: “Why did Todd beat him up? I hate him for that.”
“Pea, you might not believe this, and you might never get it, maybe not until you’re a parent,” your dad says. “But Todd loves you. Siblings have strange ways of showing their love for each other. I’m in no way condoning what he did, at all. What he did was absolutely wrong, but he did it out of love for you. He thought he was protecting you.”
You think about this for a while, and there is a lull on the phone. You know there’s work ahead of you. There’s work to be done for all of you, if you want to get to the point of being a functional, loving family. Everyone is out of sync. But you’re willing. You think they’re willing. They love you. They do. You’re still totally pissed at Todd though.
But maybe their willingness is enough for now. It’s going to have to be.
“Tell Todd if he cares about me at all he has to be there tomorrow morning,” you say. “He has to skip his morning football practice. He owes me this.”
Before you hang up you tell your parents you love them.
61
Shayna picks you up at Jae’s Monday morning and gives you a huge hug when she sees you.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” you say to her.
“I’m glad to be here,” she says.
In the car on the way to your house, you tell Shayna what you’ve come to understand.
“I don’t think there’s a monster.”
“What do you mean?” she asks.
“I think I might have made him up, or maybe he was just my conscience?”
“Uh-huh,” Shayna says, her eyes on the road.
“So this monster, that’s been a part of me for so long, hasn’t really been real. Like just a thing, an extension of my behavior.”
You are certain that the monster didn’t really exist. He was everything around you, surrounding you. He was anxiety. He was depression. He was your brother. He was your parents when they were aggravating you. He was how you felt when you were hungry, or angry, or sad. He was the food that was keeping you from living your life this whole time. You unconsciously created the monster, someone else to blame, because you didn’t want to take on the responsibilities of fixing what was broken.
The monster was never real.
“I’m ready,” you tell Shayna. “I’m going to take the responsibility to get well, and not blame something else for my problems.”
Of course, you’ll need Shayna’s help, and with time, patience, and determination, you’ll succeed. You’re sure of it. There have been girls like you before who have gotten well. And you know there will be girls like you after.
“I am so proud of you. You get it,” Shayna says. “This is a huge realization on your part, a big step, you know?”
You smile at her, feeling confident, knowing you’re figuring things out, knowing you’re going to get better, knowing you’re on your way to recovery.
*
When you get home, your parents and Todd are waiting. You’re actually surprised that Todd skipped his morning football practice to be here. You’re not quite sure what you want to say to him or how you feel about him. Your mom and dad both hug you, super-hard, almost to the point of being annoying, and your mom starts crying a little.
You get emotional too, thinking about everything you’ve been through since you were sent to St. Joe’s … You should be exhausted.
You sigh.
You are exhausted.
You plop yourself onto the couch while your mom gets coffee for Shayna and your dad, and then everyone else joins you in the family room. You’re curled up with a blanket just waiting to see what will happen.
Your mom sits right next to you and takes your hand in hers. She whispers, “I’m so glad you’re home.”
You squeeze her hand back.
Shayna starts talking, just like she does in group sessions.
“Thanks, everyone, for being here.”
Todd actually rolls his eyes, but he doesn’t have earbuds in, which is a first.
“Todd, why don’t we start with you,” Shayna says. “What are your thoughts on your sister and what’s been going on?”
“She hasn’t been acting like herself. This guy comes into her life and she gets all weird, sneaking around, cutting herself, and sure, I’m worried she’s just gonna end up getting hurt.”
“Why do you think that?” Shayna asks.