The knob turns and Jae bounces in and plops onto your bed, flopping into you, giving you a half hug. “I missed you!”
“Missed you too.” You hug her back. “You got past the wardens?”
“They didn’t even search me,” Jae says, laughing. “Your voice! It’s wrecked!”
“Yeah, I did a little screaming while I was there.”
“Oh my God!” Jae says, and then, “Can I see your wrists?”
You show them to her and say, “See, it’s not even a big deal.”
Jae holds your wrists and looks at your skin, turns your palms over.
“It’s not that bad. But, you weren’t, I mean, I know you, you wouldn’t … Are you really okay?” Jae squeezes your hands tightly and you squeeze back.
“Jae. I wouldn’t do anything like that. Ever. Things have been tough, but the intention was never there.”
Jae lets go of your hands, hugs you quickly one more time, and then releases you.
“Why aren’t they letting you see Ben?” she asks.
“I have no fricking clue. He didn’t do anything wrong. They’re pissing me off so much.”
“So what was it like, was it awful?”
“Pretty much.” You pull yourself up on the bed, then flip over and put your legs up the side of the wall. “Actually the only good thing was the other kids there, and one of the staff members, Damian.”
You tell Jae about your mortifying exam from the nurse and then you tell her how cool Damian was, how he brought you your love letter from Ben, and then how asshole Ken stole it, and how after you scratched up his face, you got thrown into solitary confinement, where you spent all last night screaming.
“Wow,” Jae says. “It just sounds so bad. And you, in solitary for beating up a guy? Pretty badass, though.”
“I guess so.” You shrug.
You talk about Starling and Savara and Chad, how Chad was intense and interesting and hard to understand, how Savara was someone that you might not have ever talked to in your entire life but you really got to know her and probably would consider her a friend if you spent more time together. You tell her about poor Malik, and you feel weepy over it.
“It just sucked,” you admit. “They don’t have any clue how to treat kids or deal with what’s going on with them. They didn’t know how to deal with our emotions. It sucked.”
Jae is thoughtful for a moment and then she says, “I’m really sorry.”
“Me too.”
“Did it help at all?”
You consider her question. On the one hand, not really. But on the other hand, you know you never want to go back. And you also realize that only you have the power to get rid of the monster. No one else can do it for you. No therapists. No doctors. No parents.
Only you can do this.
And you want it more than anything. You want to be free of the monster, free of the feelings he invokes in you. Free, so you can have a better life, a good life, and be able to do the things normal girls can do, and be free from the constraining feelings you have all the time. You don’t want to be restricted in your life any longer. So maybe that’s what you learned by being stuck in the Crazy House.
Jae asks you again, “So did it help?”
“Maybe a little, maybe a little bit.” Then you are both quiet for a while, lying on your bed like you always do, almost like things are normal again. Jae’s playing with her split ends, and you’re drawing circles with your toes on the wall.
57
You have to see Ben today, but there’s no way your parents are going to let you, so you and Jae come up with a plan. As Jae’s leaving, you ask your mom if the two of you can go to a movie later.
“Please, Mom, I’ve been locked up for almost a week. I need to get out,” you say.
She hesitates for a moment but then Jae says, “Come on, Mrs. Richards, I haven’t seen her all week. Please?”
“Only if you have her home by ten-thirty.”
“Promise!” Jae says to your mom. And to you, she says, “I’ll pick you up at seven!”
Your mom doesn’t see Jae wink at you. Neither does your dad because he’s glued to the TV.
After Jae leaves, you go into the kitchen and open the fridge. You’re going to start killing the monster. The first part of the plan is to eat. You’re desperate to try as you look at the contents of the refrigerator. There’s Greek yogurt, and eggs, and cheese, milk, apples, carrot sticks, ketchup, mustard, some leftover stuff in Tupperware containers you’re not ready to open, but maybe you’ll get there someday. There is some packaged lettuce and you decide you can try a salad. That sounds safe. It will also show your parents you are trying.
You pull out the lettuce and put some into a bowl, and since you know croutons are safe, and you also like carrot sticks, you put some of those into the bowl too. Your mom comes over to you and hugs you tight, almost smothering you.
“Are you doing okay, honey? Can I do anything for you?”
“I’m okay, Mom,” you say.
“We’re glad you’re home, Pea,” your dad says from the family room, ESPN blaring in the background.
“I’m happy that you’re trying,” your mom says, nodding encouragingly toward your salad. “Can I get you anything else?” You can tell she’s treading lightly and she wants to help you. You know she spoke with Shayna a couple of times when you were in the hospital, so maybe she’s trying some skills of her own.
You don’t know where Todd is. You haven’t seen him since you got home from the hospital and you think that’s really nice of him. It’s like he didn’t even care you were gone four full days. Whatever, you think. He’s out of your life in less than a year anyway, hopefully, if he goes away to college. Then you won’t have to deal with him or his lack of sympathy ever again.
Dad’s watching his sports show and Mom’s hovering a little too much. Now, it’s battle time between you and the monster. You’re going to eat this salad—this lettuce and croutons and carrots—and you’ll drown the monster in some vegetables. Then you’ll go back upstairs to figure out what’s next.
You feel proud, and empowered by your plan.
At the kitchen counter you eat the salad. You take your time, and are thoughtful in your chewing, and you silently say, Die, monster, with every bite. You crunch the croutons and carrots, and manage to eat everything in the bowl. When you’re done with it, you put your bowl in the sink and your mom looks at you from the kitchen table, where she was trying not to hover. She smiles.
“Am I going back to Healthy Foundations on Monday?” you ask.
“Yes,” your mom says. “That’s the plan.”
“Good. I like Shayna. I need her. I think that was working.”
“I’m so proud of you, honey. I’m sorry if I haven’t told you that enough.”
“Thank you, Mom.”
“I love you,” she says.
“I love you too,” you say. “I’m going to go upstairs and get ready for the movie.”
*
When you get upstairs, you text Ben:
Hey
Hey what are you doing?
Just ate some stuff that tasted like grass What?
Salad
Oh good. You don’t like that though I’m trying
can I come over?
Yes. But my parents are being weird I know. why?
No idea, worried about me. They’re dumb. Come over anyway.