“I came here to give you a chance to come to dinner, but you’re not cooperating. I believe this conversation is over.” And she leaves.
A while later a horrible plate of food is delivered. You eat the roll and drink the warm carton of milk and your gag reflex hits and you almost throw up. You try to keep down the bread and the milk but the thought of curdled milk being churned in your stomach is unsettling and you throw up anyway. You don’t make it to the toilet and the vomit hits the linoleum floor with an unsavory splat. Since the only thing you could clean it up with would be the bedsheet, you leave the mess on the floor. The smell is horrendous and it saturates the room.
You crawl back onto the bed and get as close to the wall as you can, curl into the fetal position and pull the cold sheet over your body. That’s all there is, one cold white starched sheet. Not even a blanket to keep you warm.
You cry.
And you cry. And you cry. Harder than you’ve ever cried in your life.
Fuck this monster. You’ve never hated anything more. You hate what’s happening to you. You need to fix this. You thought you were on your way. Dr. Winthrop is crazy. You don’t know what you’re going to do. You’re trapped. It’s no wonder Malik killed himself. It was his only way out. His only way out of this Crazy House.
There is no hope at all.
You close your eyes and wish for death. This is the only way you think you’ll get out of this place.
Then because there is nothing else to do, you start screaming.
You scream and scream and scream until everything goes black.
*
Your hair is matted to your face and your throat feels like razors slashed every part of it from all the screaming. No one came for you, and as far as you know, no one checked on you during the night. Now though, you hear commotion from the other side of the door, and it’s getting louder.
“What’s that horrible smell?” You hear angry voices, and then the door opens and your parents rush in. “Christ! Get my daughter out of here!” your dad demands. “This is bullshit!”
Your mom comes over to the bed and pulls you to her. She hugs you tight and you start crying all over again.
“Honey, it’s okay, it’s okay. We’re so sorry, I’m so sorry. You’re coming home. Right now. Right now, baby. We’re taking you home.”
*
When you get into your parents’ car, the first thing you do is ask your mom for your phone back. You text Ben to tell him that you’ll be home in about an hour. The next thing you do is leave a message for Shayna to let her know that your parents have taken you out of the hospital and hopefully you will see her at Healthy Foundations this week.
Then your mom tells you how they discovered you.
“We decided to take advantage of the Saturday-morning visiting hours.”
She turns to face you in the backseat. “We felt awful about how we left you yesterday,” your mom says. “We knew how upset you were and we felt so bad.”
“When we arrived,” your dad continues, “Dr. Winthrop wasn’t there. When no one could tell us where you were, when you weren’t in your room, then I knew for sure something was wrong.”
You sink back into the seat with such relief to be going home. The only regret you have is you left the Crazy House so quickly you didn’t get to say goodbye to Chad or Damian. You feel like they were both looking out for you, that they genuinely cared about you, and now you’ll never see them again.
You are so glad to be out of there you want to cry again, but good tears. You can’t believe the types of emotions you have experienced in the past four days. And when you pull up to your house, there’s another emotion you get to experience because Ben is standing in your driveway with a bunch of white carnations in his hands and a huge smile on his face.
Waiting for you.
Just as he said he would be.
56
Before the car comes to a complete stop you open the door, stumble out, and you’re in Ben’s arms, hugging him. You smell him and he kisses your hair and inhales you. You hope he can’t smell the stale milk and vomit on you, then you realize he doesn’t care, he only cares about you. About being with you.
You smell flowers and Ben. You inhale deeply, wanting to commit the smell to memory. It’s wonderful. It’s hopeful. You’re home.
“Ben, you’re here?” your mom asks as she gets out of the car, and you think she’s being rude. Your dad is by the trunk gathering your things.
“I wanted to come over right away.” He’s looking down at you, into your eyes, and he pushes your unwashed hair away from your face. You want to look at him forever.
“Well, she’s going to need a shower and probably a long nap. Maybe it would be better if you came back tomorrow, don’t you think?” your mother asks.
“Mom!” you croak. Your throat still aches from the screaming. “I haven’t seen him in almost a week. Let him stay. I’ll shower really quick, and then we’ll go get something to eat. I promise I’ll go eat something healthy. I’ll eat a salad. I will!” You’re begging your mother for this.
“Ben,” your dad interrupts. “We think Pea needs some rest. So why don’t you head back home and she’ll call you when she’s had a bit of a rest. How ’bout it, buddy?”
Ben’s face falls, but he’s not one to argue with adults—he’s respectful and kind—you know that, and that’s just one of the many reasons you love him. But you can’t believe your parents are going to send him away, after all you’ve been through.
“You can’t make him leave!” you yell. “Don’t you guys know what I’ve just been through? This is crap!”
“Pea.” Your dad sounds threatening.
“Hey,” Ben says quietly to you. “I’ll call you later, okay?” He pushes the hair away from your ear and whispers, “I love you.” Then to your parents he says, “See you later, Mr. Richards, Mrs. Richards.”
He hands you the bouquet of carnations, gets into his car, and gives you a slow wave goodbye.
You turn to your parents and say, “I don’t know why you’re doing this. Why did you make him leave—why can’t I see him?”
“We just think you need to slow things down a bit,” your mom says. “You need to rest. You must be exhausted and it’s been a horrible week for you.”
You’re fuming, but Ben’s already gone so there’s no point in arguing. You turn and storm into the house and wonder if you just went from one Crazy House to another Crazy House.
*
After you take a shower, you get into bed and do a quick scroll through Twitter and Instagram. There’s no way you’re going downstairs to talk to your parents. You can’t believe they sent Ben home. You send Jae a text and she texts you back immediately.
I’m home.
OMG I FREAKED WHEN YOUR MOM TOLD ME EVERYTHING. I’M COMING OVER!
I don’t know if you can. My parents sent Ben home.
WTF?
ikr
Well, I’m coming over in a little while!
k
*
You take a long nap and it feels luxurious. When there’s a knock on the door later, you figure it’s your mom checking on you.
“What?”