Rad flinched and took a step back. “Audrey, I—”
“You cut into her wrists!” I shrieked. “You cut into her wrists!” The bile rose in my throat. I felt hysterical, out of control. My mind was spinning so fast I couldn’t seem to hold on to the thoughts that flitted in and out. Was Ana already dead when he put her into the bath? If she had been alive, wouldn’t that make him a murderer? And the lie I told—what part did that play in this tragedy? Nothing? Everything?
“How did you know Ana was already dead?” I demanded. “Are you a doctor?”
His raked his hand through his hair. “She didn’t have a pulse; I swear! She wasn’t breathing—there was nothing I could do. They wouldn’t understand that it was an accident. I just panicked.” He was scrambling now, eyes wild, ready to grab at anything.
“You panicked?” I said, incredulously. “People call the ambulance when they panic, Rad. They don’t stage a fucking suicide.”
His eyes widened, and his hand shot out to grip the banister, as if he’d been thrown off balance.
He stammered, “But you believe me, don’t you, Audrey? You know I had no other choice.”
“You did have a choice. You could have told me the truth. You were a coward,” I spat.
“You’re right—you’re absolutely right. I was a coward. If I could go back in time, I would do things differently. I would have called the ambulance. Fuck, I would have told you—I should have told you. Wouldn’t you do the same? If you could go back, would you have told that lie?”
“That’s not fair, Rad. You can’t—” I started.
“I know that now,” he cut in quickly. “In the end, that was the thing that unraveled me. That I left you thinking you were in the wrong when I had done such a terrible thing. I wanted to tell you so many times, Audrey.” His eyes were pleading when they looked into mine. “I love you so damn much. You came and found me when I was in that shitty place, and you brought me back to life. I tried to push you away, and you wouldn’t let me. Then when we grew close, I wanted to tell you, but I couldn’t handle the thought of losing you again.”
I shook my head. “No, don’t you dare!” I said, gritting my teeth. My fingers tugged fretfully at my rubber band, and it snapped in two, falling silently from my wrist to the ground.
“Audrey.” His eyes locked on to mine. Those strange, beautiful eyes: one a stormy gray, the other summer blue.
Like a jagged rock pitched from a slingshot, my mind traveled back to the night I told that lie. I thought of Rad, his strong, gentle hands stained red with Ana’s blood. Candela lying in the hospital bed, fighting for her life. Duck shoved into the back of a police van. Now Freddy—poor Freddy. Another one for the body count. And I had to add Lucy as well because you couldn’t separate the two.
“Audrey,” Rad repeated. There was a desperation to his voice. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to do.” He grabbed my arms. “Tell me what to do. I’ll do anything you want.”
I broke free from his grasp and stumbled back. “I don’t want anything to do with you,” I said weakly, my eyes watering and my voice trembling.
“I’ve put my life in your hands,” he pleaded. “Don’t you see? We have a fresh start ahead of us in L.A. We can leave all this behind.”
All of a sudden, I felt an eerie calm settle over me. It was as though I was standing in the eye of the storm, and everything had stopped. In that moment of clarity, I knew I was just as culpable as Rad. I knew there was blood on my hands too. We had become caricatures of ourselves, trapped in this nightmare; the entry ticket for this grotesque carnival, my lie. I had cursed us from the moment the evil spilled from my lips. Yet beyond the madness, the utter horror of Rad’s confession, I couldn’t ignore the love that was there, pulsating with a life of its own, pulling us closer and closer, blurring the lines. We could start all over again in L.A., where no one knew us. I was stronger than I had ever been. I was strong enough for the both of us. Then the clarity dissolved, and I was pitched back into blinding chaos.
I sobbed violently, my shoulders heaving from the effort. I cried in a way I never had before. I felt everything I lost compound into this cruel, unforgiving moment. Rad put his arms around me, and I pushed back as hard as I could, thrashing wildly at his hands, his face, tearing at his hair. With all my strength, I pounded his chest with my fists, but still, he wouldn’t let go. After a while, my arms grew limp, and I let him hold me.
Epilogue
The early morning sun streamed through the curtains of our one-bedroom flat in Santa Monica. I was on my second cup of coffee, and Rad was just waking up.
He opened his eyes and gave me a sleepy smile. “Morning,” he said.
“Morning.” I put my coffee mug down on the side table, then leaned over and kissed him gently. He ran his hands through my hair and buried his face in my neck. “You smell good,” he murmured, pulling me down onto the bed with him. He wrapped his arms around me, and we stayed like that for a while.
“What time is it?” he asked.
“Almost ten, I think.”
“You’re already dressed.”
“I was up early this morning and thought I’d go for a walk on the pier—pick up some bagels on my way back.”
“Sounds good.”
I gently untangled myself and got up.
“Blueberry for you?”
“Yeah.”
I put my Audrey jacket on.
“Is it cold out there today?” he asked.
I nodded. “I was out on the balcony this morning, and it was a little chilly.”
He sat up and stretched out his arms with a yawn, turning his head to the window. “Looks like it’s going to be a beautiful day.”
I smiled. “I think so too.”
The sun had climbed high above the horizon. A seagull was hitching a ride on the wind. I watched as the tide swirled around the wooden legs of the Santa Monica Pier. People milled about taking photographs and talking animatedly on cell phones. The sea was a perfect backdrop to the spinning Ferris wheel and the colored umbrellas that dotted the promenade. In the distance, there were shrieks of delight coming from the bright yellow rollercoaster.