“But now he’ll never know that. I can’t tell him how wonderful he was.” Her hands tensed around the jar. “I miss him, Audrey. So damn much.”
She dropped the jar on the bed and put her head down on my shoulder. I stroked her hair.
“I know you do, sweetie. I miss him too.”
There was a knock at the door.
“Come in,” I called.
Rad walked into the room, and Lucy seemed to stiffen.
“Hey, Lucy,” said Rad. His hand reached for her shoulder, and she flinched. She stood up suddenly and walked out of the room without a word.
Rad looked taken aback.
“Don’t worry; she’s not herself.”
“I don’t blame her. I’ve been there before.”
I felt my stomach clench. Ana had been on my mind all day.
“It doesn’t feel real, does it?”
Rad shook his head. “No, it’s like we’ve woken up in a nightmare.”
I nodded.
“Freddy’s cousin is having car troubles,” said Rad. “I’m going to give him a lift home.”
“Now?”
“Yeah,” said Rad. “It’s been a long day for him. Are you okay to get home? I can double back and pick you up.”
“That’s okay; I’ll just catch a ride with Candela.”
“I’ll see you later at the house, then.”
I nodded. “Okay.”
After Rad left, I went to look for Lucy again and ran into Candela, who was in the kitchen helping with the dishes.
“Have you seen Lucy?”
“I think she just went outside.”
I made my way out the back door and found her sitting down cross-legged on the lawn.
“Hey, want to come back inside?”
Lucy looked up at me, her damp cheeks streaked with fresh tears.
“Audrey,” she said. Her eyes were wide and tremulous. “There’s something I need to tell you about Rad.”
Six
I stood at the door of my house, the key trembling in my hand. I felt like I was floating high above my body looking down from a terrible distance.
Rad came down the stairs just as I walked through the door.
“Hey, how are you?” His arms were open, inviting.
I took a step back.
He frowned. “Audrey? What’s wrong?”
“Lucy said Freddy found something on your laptop.”
“What? What do you mean?”
“Freddy was working on an assignment when his computer crashed. So he went to use your laptop, the one you left with him before you went to Bell Rock. He accidentally deleted a file and went into the trash to retrieve it. There was a document in there, a letter you wrote to me. It was called ‘suicide note.’”
The color drained from Rad’s face. “Oh no,” he said. His hand shot up to his forehead, and he grimaced.
“What was in that document, Rad?”
He looked up. “Freddy didn’t say?”
“He never got the chance.”
“It was nothing, Audrey,” Rad said quickly. “I just had a bad moment—that’s all. It was a time in my life where everything had gone to shit. So yeah, for that split second I thought about ending it all. But I came to my senses, and that’s why I deleted the file. I didn’t expect Freddy or anyone else to ever find it.”
He reached out for me again, and I shrunk back.
“Audrey, haven’t you ever done anything stupid in the heat of the moment and then regretted it afterward? I made a mistake, but I’m okay now. It was a cry for help; that’s all. It won’t happen again.”
“What was in the document, Rad?” I repeated.
“Nothing!” There was an edge to his voice. “Just the usual, about how sorry I was and how much I love you. All that kind of stuff you write when you’re in that frame of mind.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“I swear to you that’s all it was.”
“Then why did Freddy call Lucy up in the middle of the night? Why did he say, ‘We have to warn Audrey about Rad’? Why did Freddy get in the fucking car and race over to see her because there was something you wrote in that document that scared the shit out of him?”
Rad’s mouth opened, then closed again.
“Do you know they found your laptop?” I continued. “It was lying by the side of the road, completely smashed to pieces. Freddy had it with him. Why would he take your laptop to Lucy’s place in the middle of the night? Why? What was so important that it couldn’t wait until the morning?” I demanded.
He shook his head. “Audrey—”
“I need to know the truth, Rad. Right now.”
He stood there for a few moments, staring at me. It seemed an eternity before he spoke again. “I wanted to tell you,” he said, his face crumbling. He sat down on the step and sunk his head into his hands.
“Then tell me.”
He looked up at me. His eyes had a terrible bleakness to them. All of a sudden, I was terrified.
“The letter—was there something in there about Ana?”
He nodded.
“It’s bad, isn’t it?”
He nodded again. “It was more of a confession than a suicide letter.”
A shiver went through my body.
“Tell me what happened.”
He took a deep breath. “I went to Ana’s house that day to confront her about the rumor,” he began slowly. “That part of it was true. It was exactly like I told you. She kept denying it, saying someone made it up. We got into a huge fight, and she slapped me. I was furious—I called her a lying whore. She reached out to hit me again, but I grabbed her arm and pushed her back. She tripped on a rug and fell, hitting the back of her head on the edge of the coffee table. I rushed over to her right away, but she wasn’t moving. I tried to revive her, but she didn’t wake up. I checked her pulse. She didn’t have one. That’s when I panicked. I was in shock. I mean, there wasn’t even any blood. But she . . . she just wouldn’t wake up.”
I stared at Rad with horror, and a wave of revulsion washed over me.
“So I sat in the corner of the room for a while. I didn’t know what to do. Then this weird sensation came over me, and what happened next was a blur.”
“Rad,” I stared at him, my eyes wide with disbelief. He turned away, looking straight ahead.
“When I was about nine, my mother took me to England for my uncle’s wedding. We went to Stonehenge, but it’s weird; I don’t remember ever going there. Even when I look at the photographs now, it doesn’t feel real. Like it happened to someone else.” He turned to face me again. “That’s what it was like that day with Ana,” he said, his tone almost mechanical. “I picked her up and put her in the bath with her dress still on. I ran the water. Then I found a razor in one of the cabinets. I got behind her so I would get the angle right when I cut into her wrists. I wasn’t sure if she would still bleed since her heart had stopped by then, but she did. God, there was so much blood.” He shivered. “Then, I dropped the razor into the bath and left.”
I closed my eyes. Cold, spidery fingers crawled up and down my spine. “You . . . you cut into her wrists?” I whispered. An image of Rad, razor in hand, shot to the forefront of my mind, and I thought I was going to be sick.
“Audrey.” He stood up.
I took a step back. “No!” I screamed, with a ferocity that took me by surprise.