Somehow I made it outside and stood with my hands gripping the metal railing, desperately sucking at the air. Someone had their palm pressed against my back and a voice—I think it belonged to Mrs. Douglas—was saying over and over, “It’s okay, darling; it’s okay; it’s okay.”
My mother came to collect me from the school office an hour later. She had a quiet talk with the principal in the hallway while I sat in a room with the school nurse, straining to catch bits of their conversation. I’d been in such a panic earlier I didn’t realize I was digging my fingernails into my wrists. That was something I resorted to when the rubber band wasn’t working, but this time I had actually drawn blood. When Mum came into the room a few minutes later, her eyes went straight to the white bandage that wound its way around my left wrist.
We didn’t say much to each other on the short drive home. I was still shaky when she led me up the stairs to my bedroom and tucked me into bed fully clothed. She left the room and came back with a cup of chamomile tea. I took it from her gratefully and sipped the warm liquid, letting it flow through my body, allowing it to bring me back down to earth. That was the funny thing about anxiety; you weren’t entirely sure if you were real or if anything around you was, either.
Mum sat on the bed and stroked my head gently. “Audrey,” she seemed to be choosing her words carefully, “I think it might be a good idea for you to take some time off.”
I blinked at her, confused. “Time off?” I echoed dumbly.
“Yes.”
“You mean because I’m an embarrassment to you,” I said, tears welling up in my eyes. “I’m right at the finish line, Mum. I can’t just quit now.”
“Audrey,” her voice was strained, “I know things between us haven’t been that great lately. But you’re still my little girl, and I’m sorry—I didn’t realize it was this bad.”
“What am I supposed to do?” I said, suddenly angry. “You keep telling me all the ways I am going to screw up, so I hope you’re happy now.”
“Please, Audrey,” she said in a small voice, “I’m really trying here.”
Dad came home a few hours later, and I heard him talking quietly to Mum downstairs. Their voices were barely audible as I struggled to make out their words. After a while, I heard footsteps on the stairs and then a knock. “Audrey,” my dad called, “can I come in?”
“Sure,” I answered weakly.
Dad walked into the room as I sat up in bed. He sat down next to me and smiled. It was such a sad smile that it brought me to the verge of tears again. “For once your mother and I agree on something,” he said. I could tell he was trying to keep his tone light.
“You don’t think I should finish my exams either?” I asked.
He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “How do you feel about it, sweetie?”
“I’m scared, Dad. It was so hard today. I could feel everyone staring at me. I feel like I’m a freak show, and everyone is laughing at me and—” I broke down.
“Audrey,” he put his arms around me, and I sobbed quietly against his shoulder.
“It’s okay, sweetie. You don’t have to do anything. You can take your exams again when you’re feeling up to it.”
“I feel like a failure.”
“Hey, you’re not a failure. This is just a minor setback; that’s all. It’s not the end of the world.”
“It sure feels that way.”
“I know, baby. But I don’t want you to worry about it right now.”
“I’ll never hear the end of it from Mum.”
“Your mother only wants what’s best for you, Audrey. Even if she has a funny way of showing it sometimes.”
“I don’t know what to do next,” I said. “I just don’t.” I started to cry again.
“You don’t have to do anything. Your mother and I will take care of you. You don’t have to worry about a thing. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“Everything will be okay, Audrey. Life has a way of working itself out. You’ll see.”
Nine
“I thought I was getting better,” I said. I was sitting back in Ida’s chair as she sat at her desk, by the open window. She took a long drag of her cigarette, before turning her head to blow the smoke outside.
“Anxiety is a tricky thing, honey. It’s kind of like the weather, you know? You can have a whole lot of blue skies, then all of a sudden, it goes El fucking Ni?o on you.” She stubbed her cigarette out and picked up her pen, clicking and unclicking it again. She looked up at me. “How are you coping, sweetheart?” Since my panic attack in the school hall last week, it had become a standard question. Not just with her but everyone else as well.
“Fine, I guess.” I gave her my standard reply.
“How do you feel about taking time off school?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. Like a screwup.”
She flashed me an encouraging smile. “Well, I’ve got good news for you. You’re not a screwup. It’s about running your own race, honey. Remember that.”
“Okay,” I said numbly. My fingers traced the outline of my rubber band. I looked up at Ida. “Do you think I need to be on medication? My friend Candela—her mother has anxiety. She’s on Xanax. Apparently, it helps.”
Ida let out a breath. “I can’t prescribe medication, Audrey, but I can write a note for you to take to your doctor.” She frowned. “But I don’t think it’s the right thing for you at this stage.”
“I feel like I need something extra when the rubber band isn’t working. You know, when it becomes too much and I start to spin out.”
She pulled open her drawer and drew out a notepad. With a click of her pen, she wrote something down, before tearing the paper and handing it to me. “Take this to your doctor; he’ll know what to do.”
“Thanks,” I said, tucking the note into the pocket of my jeans.
“Personally, I think you can manage without the medication. I would try to hold off if I were you. But some people find it’s helpful to have that safety net.”
I nodded. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
After I left Ida’s office, I walked to the park at the end of the street. I sat at a bench, by the duck pond, and spaced out for a while. Then, taking my phone from my purse, I called Candela. For months I had been carrying this awful secret about Ana, and I could feel it ticking away inside of me like a time bomb. I had to tell someone. I knew Candela would probably never speak to me again, but that was something I would have to live with. My heart began pounding as I held the phone to my ear. It went straight to her voicemail. Getting up, I walked over to the nearest bus stop and caught the first bus to Alexandria.