They trudged into the trees. Her body was heavy with hunger and exhaustion, and her pace was much slower than it had been the day before. Cas didn’t seem eager to go faster. He stayed right next to her, his gaze on the ground.
The sun rose higher in the sky, and she caught him watching her often. She recognized that he was working his way through something, trying to find the words, and she waited patiently.
Finally, he opened his mouth and asked a quiet question: “Why did you look so terrified on our wedding day?”
She couldn’t keep the surprise out of her voice. “What?”
“On our wedding day. You were terrified. I’d thought it was because Mary didn’t know me, because she was nervous about marrying a stranger. But you’d planned everything. Why were you nervous?”
She grasped her necklace tightly. “I was still marrying a stranger, even if I had orchestrated it all. I didn’t know how to act or what to say. I was terrified about that night, because I’ve never . . .”
“Oh.”
“Thank you for that, by the way. It was very nice of you not to assume I’d be ready to sleep with you right away.”
“You were a stranger as well, and I didn’t particularly look forward to my first time happening because my parents declared it.”
A smile tugged on her lips. “Good point.”
“Did you ever consider telling me who you really were?” he asked. “We talked about the Ruined often. You knew I had different opinions than my father. Did you ever consider what I would have done if you’d told me?”
“Every day,” she said quietly, immediately. “Especially after you tried to save Damian. I wondered what your reaction would be.”
“But you didn’t.”
“No.” She paused. “What would you have done?”
He pulled on his fingers, cracking the knuckles. “I don’t know. Maybe I would have been able to listen to you.” He shook his head. “Maybe not. I got really angry when my mother showed me that painting. But it could have been different, coming from you.”
“I’m sorry, Cas.” Her voice was strained, and he couldn’t help but believe that she said the words with sincerity. “I’ll be sorry for the rest of my life about what I did to you.”
“And when I . . .” He trailed off before finishing the question.
“And when you what?”
He cleared his throat. “Nothing.”
“You can ask me anything, Cas. I’ll answer you honestly.”
He let out a hollow laugh, kicking a rock. “Honestly, huh?”
She swallowed as she watched the rock dart across the dirt. She deserved that, but she still wanted to yell at him that she had been honest about plenty of things.
He stuffed his hands in his pockets, his eyebrows knitted together. He grabbed her arm, bringing them both to a stop.
“Did you care about me at all? Because you acted like you cared about me, and then you just left me there to die.” His voice shook. “You didn’t even try to warn me.”
She opened her mouth, but only a strange sound came out. He was right, of course.
“Or am I an idiot to think you actually had feelings for me?” Cas asked before she could get a word out.
“You’re—”
“Were you just pretending to like me, because that’s—”
“Of course I wasn’t pretending!” The words exploded out of her before she could stop them. Heat spread across her cheeks.
Cas’s mouth had been open, ready with a reply, and he snapped it shut.
She cleared her throat. She’d already embarrassed herself horribly, might as well finish it off. “I fully intended to ignore you, but it turns out you’re very hard to ignore. I never pretended to feel anything for you, Cas. All of that was real, and definitely never part of the plan. And I should have . . .” A lump formed in her throat, and she swallowed, her voice shaking. “I should have warned you about the attack. I should have trusted you. I’m sorry.”
He stood motionless, staring at her. She was either relieved to get that off her chest, or hoping that the ground would break open and swallow her whole. The latter option was burning particularly bright at the moment.
Then his arm was reaching for her. He grabbed her around the waist, roughly tugging her to him. Her chest bumped his and his eyes burned with fire as he lowered his mouth to hers. She wrapped her fingers around his shirt, rising up on her toes.
He kissed her like she was in danger of slipping out of his arms. His lips were hot and insistent against hers, his hands pressing into her back and crushing her against him. She wound her fingers into his hair, and every piece of her melted into him with no hope of return. Even after he pulled away she would leave pieces of herself all over him, and none of those pieces were ever coming back.
She slid her hand down to his waist, tugging his shirt up and running her fingers over his warm skin. He sucked in a breath, his chest shifting against hers. She ran her thumb up his spine, hoping for that response a hundred more times. She wanted to feel his body reacting to her touch every day for the rest of her life.
She lost herself in the kiss for so long she felt a bit dizzy when he finally pulled away.