She pushed her hands through her hair, tears welling in her eyes. Her room was too dark—the only light coming from the moon shining through the window—and the blackness brought images she didn’t want to see. Damian on his knees. Her mother’s smile.
She hastily pulled on a pair of pants and a loose white shirt. She walked through her rooms and into the hallway, avoiding a maid’s curious glance as she passed. She wasn’t sure what time it was, but the castle still murmured with noise.
Her feet took her to Cas’s rooms. She considered going to Aren, but something about that didn’t feel right. Aren wouldn’t understand this ache in her chest.
Cas answered the door only a few moments after she knocked. His shirt was rumpled and half-unbuttoned, though he didn’t look like he’d been asleep. He tossed his book onto the couch as he opened the door wider.
“Come in. Are you feeling all right? I came by earlier, but your maid said you weren’t feeling well.”
“I’m fine,” she said as she stepped inside the dark library. Light spilled out from his bedroom, and he led her in that direction.
“You heard they executed Damian this morning?” he asked as they walked through the door. Two candles near his bed were lit, casting a glow over his unmade bed.
“Yeah.” She stopped in the middle of the room, crossing her arms over her chest.
“My father did it on purpose, to show he doesn’t have to listen to us.” Cas turned around to face her. “I wouldn’t have handled this situation the same way, if it were up to me. If my father doesn’t succeed in killing every Ruined in existence, you and I should find a way to make peace with them one day.”
“Peace,” she repeated, the word burning down her throat. She’d never considered peace, for even a moment.
“Does that sound stupid?” Cas seemed unsure suddenly.
She shook her head. “No, it’s not stupid. Your father and Jovita treat you like your ideas are stupid because they don’t like the way your questions make them feel. Remember that, all right? You’re not dumb, you’re not naive, you’re not any of the things they try to make you out to be.”
A slow smile spread across his face. “Thank you, Mary.”
She swallowed at the mention of the girl she’d killed, her gaze dropping to the floor.
Cas reached for her hand, his tone softening. “Are you all right?”
“Fine,” she lied. “Just . . . lonely, I think.” The admission was embarrassing as soon as it was out of her mouth, but Cas squeezed her hand tighter.
“I’m glad you came,” he said quietly.
She rubbed her thumb across her necklace. The constant guilt in her chest had started to give way to a fiery ache. It was physically painful to imagine how much he would hate her after he knew the truth.
He closed the distance between them with one small step. He was too close, or not close enough, and she put a hand on his chest.
The room was so quiet she could hear him draw a breath, and she watched as the air filled his chest. His fingers brushed across her neck, and Em knew that if she looked up now, he would kiss her. She was going to let him. She was going to do more than let him, actually, she was going to drag him to her and feel every inch of his body next to hers.
His eyes met hers, his thumb gently nudging her chin up.
She burst into tears.
Surprise crossed Cas’s face as he pulled her into his arms. She closed her fingers around his shirt. She felt like if she didn’t hold on to him, he might start slipping away from her.
“Tell me what’s wrong,” he said quietly, his arms tightening around her waist.
“Damian’s death made me think. . . .” She took in a shaky breath and let honest words spill out of her mouth. “I’ve seen so many people killed and never given it a second thought. I’ve killed. I planned to kill more.”
She hadn’t just planned to kill Cas. She’d imagined smiling as she sank a sword into his chest.
“I don’t think this is who I want to be,” she said, her voice shaking.
“You did what you had to do,” Cas said.
“I did what I chose to do.” Tears spilled over her cheeks, staining his shirt.
“Then choose better next time.”
It was such a simple statement that she almost told him it was too late. But when she lifted her head and met his eyes, he stared at her with such sincerity that it was impossible to disagree.
“You’re not who I thought you’d be, Cas.”
“No?”
“You’re so much better.”
He smiled, his thumb rubbing a tear from her cheek. “Stay with me tonight?”
She nodded without hesitation. He took her hand and led her to the bed. She climbed onto the soft sheets. He slipped in beside her and pulled the blankets up, even though they were both still fully dressed. He scooped her back into his arms, his fingers tangling in her hair and his lips brushing across her forehead.