Rocked Up

“I’m pregnant.”

I feel nothing. I hear nothing. My heart has stopped and I have forgotten how to breathe. There is a microscopic version of myself living in my head that is desperately trying to bring me back to life. Pulling levers, yelling at computer screens, trying to help me react to this news.

Slowly, very slowly, I’m beginning to feel something, I hear the hum of the room again and I see her face. I have the same feeling as when I saw her scared on the bus during the blizzard. I want to protect her. I want to let her know she is not alone, but unfortunately I’m not yet able to speak, so I just stare at her. I feel like I’ve been letting it hang for hours, but I know it has only been seconds. Lael always seems so confident, I think this is the first time I’ve seen this much fear on her face.

I exhale and can feel the muscles in my face relax, feel myself become more present. We both put our heads on the pillow, letting the last of the fireworks in our chests burn out.

I smile.

She smiles back and I can see a flood of emotion in her eyes.

There’s a small part of me that has never felt more like a child, immature and unprepared in every way. There is another part of me that has never felt like more of a man and with every passing moment that feeling gets stronger. I look at this beautiful young woman, and I know, deep down, this is the beginning of the rest of my life. Deep down I know this is good.

I can speak again. My expression must be telling her how I feel because she’s already reacting to words I have not yet spoken.

I hold her hand and can feel her emotion in the tightness of her grip. I can tell she feels alone.

“I know this is crazy, but the truth is, I’m happy,” I say, as if I’m thinking out loud.

I consider for a moment that maybe she did not want to go through with it, and this was going to be a very different conversation.

“I mean, we’re in this together. You are not alone.”

A tear falls from her glassy eyes.

“I’m scared,” she says, fear obvious in her voice.

“You can’t let the fear win.” I repeat my words from earlier on the bus.

She smiles. It’s a cheesy thing to say and she’s almost rolling her eyes, but it has the effect I was hoping. Lael is starting to relax, I’m starting to relax.

“Whatever you want to do, I’m with you, but I want to let you know I’m not going anywhere,” I say, trying to be delicate. I lean in and kiss her. “We can do this,” I whisper.

Lael wipes her eyes.

“I keep picturing myself barefoot living in the suburbs; this was not in the plans,” she says.

“It doesn’t have to be like that. Why? We can set up a little baby station on the side stage. Arnie can be a babysitter, we can get little baby headphones and a tiny little And Then shirt. You can be a world-traveling rock star, kill it on stage every night, and still be a mom. Moms work all the time, you’ll just have a cooler job than most.” I’m getting excited and speaking quickly.

Lael still looks slightly overwhelmed, but at least she’s smiling.

“Look,” I explain, “we are writing our own story, we are in control. I don’t care about the band, or the company. I care about you.”

Lael’s hand is still in mine and I can feel it relax for the first time since she told me the news.

“Are we alright?” I feel electricity in my chest when I ask that question.

Lael smiles, leans over, and turns off the light. She tucks into me and I hold her close. The room is dark and the sound of the blizzard outside rattles the window.

“Yes, we are. Are you going to sneak back to the bus?” she asks.

“That got old a while ago. We are done sneaking around. I want to tell the world,” I whisper.

We make love until we fall asleep.

***

Knock, Knock, Knock.

“Time to get up.” I wake up to the sound of Arnie’s voice.

The morning light coming from the window looks like heaven, the blizzard is over and there is a blanket of white snow reflecting the sunlight in a shadowless glow. Through the paperthin walls I can hear Arnie knocking on Switch’s door a couple rooms down.

“Morning sunshine,” I say to Lael, who is slowly waking up too.

I get dressed and look for the coffee maker, but this no-tell motel doesn’t seem to have one.

“I’ll get the coffee going on the bus, meet ya there,” I say, then kiss her on the forehead.

As I step out into this winter wonderland and close the door behind me, I see Switch stepping out of his room. He gives me a loaded look. I give him a smile that speaks volumes and I don’t look away. He walks my way and passes close by.

“Something you want to get off your chest?” I ask him, daring him to say something.

He doesn’t answer. I have been more than patient with both his and Calvi’s concerns and it feels good to give him a clear message: my patience has run out and the conversation is over. Anyone else that has a problem with my relationship with Lael will quickly realize I don’t care what they think.

I walk to the bus with new confidence I’ve never felt. I feel like no one can hurt me, I’m in control, I’m a man.

I step onto the bus and smell coffee already brewing. George is reading his paper with the ease of a man in his own home. Switch is pouring an obscene amount of sugar into his coffee and Arnie is finishing a conversation on his phone. It can’t be easy for Arnie, taking care of this rag-tag operation.

“I have good news and I have bad news,” Arnie says as he tucks his phone into his pocket.

“Good news first,” I say, as I walk by him to the coffee maker and pour two cups.

“Good news is we will make it to Denver in time for the show,” Arnie says with a smile.

“And the bad news?” asks Switch.

“Well…” Arnie is interrupted by Lael opening the door.

I pass her the coffee I was planning to bring to her room.

“The bad news is we have to take a charter plane from an airport a few miles from here.” Arnie tries not to make eye contact with me as he speaks.

Of course, this is only bad news for me because of my fear of flying.

“George will have plenty of time to get the bus to Denver so we can continue the tour as scheduled.” Arnie sits next to George and they begin to make some plans.

I slowly sit down and try to process the news, but I’m jolted off of the couch by Calvi, who is still sleeping, concealed under blankets.

“Ahhh!” Calvi shouts.

“Ahhh!” I shout back. “How in god’s name can you sleep there with all of us here talking, you weirdo?”

“What did I miss?” Calvi asks.

“Aliens have taken over the world and we are the last survivors,” Switch says with a smirk.

“We are flying to Denver on a charter,” Lael chimes in.

“Oh.” Calvi scratches his messy hair and takes a coffee cup Lael poured for him.